- OH BOY, I HAVE EXCITING MEDICAL NEWS, EVERYBODY.
THIS IS GOING TO BE-- A DOCTOR IN NEW YORK
MADE A HUGE BREAKTHROUGH.
HE'S PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEED TO WIN THE NOBEL PRIZE,
'CAUSE HE INVENTED SOMETHING CALLED "INSTA-BREASTS."
[audience laughter]
HARD TO SAY, BUT IT'S "INSTA-BREASTS."
IT'S A BREAST ENLARGEMENT AND IT ONLY LASTS 24 HOURS.
[audience laughter and reaction]
TAKE THAT, CHINA!
[audience laughter]
LOOK WHAT WE CAN DO HERE!
SERIOUSLY, TAKE IT. WE DON'T WANT IT.
[audience laughter]
IT'S LIKE IF YOU'RE CINDERELLA, EXCEPT THAT AFTER MIDNIGHT,
INSTEAD OF LOSING YOUR SLIPPER, YOU LOSE YOUR PUMPKINS.
[laughter and applause]
SEE, 'CAUSE-- [applause]
I KNOW--I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING,
"WHERE DO I SIGN UP?"
"I'D LIKE TO TAKE THOSE GIRLS FOR A TEST DRIVE,"
YOU'RE THINKING.
KEEP IN MIND, THE PROCEDURE COSTS $2,500.
[audience ohs] $2,500.
WHICH IS CRAZY, BECAUSE INSTEAD OF SPENDING $2,500 ON THAT,
YOU COULD HAVE...$2,500. [audience laughter]
I MEAN, YOU COULD JUST STUFF YOUR SOCKS IN THERE
OR SOMETHING, THAT'S--YOU KNOW.
THAT'S WHAT I'D DO. [audience laughter]
THESE ARE SOCKS. [audience laughter]
THANK YOU.
PEOPLE ARE: "OH, THOSE ARE SOCKS."
[audience laughter]
TUBE SOCKS. AND SO--
[audience laughter] NO, THEY'RE NOT SOCKS.
[laughs] [audience laughter]
I HAD OTHER THINGS TO SAY. [audience laughter]
SO ANYWAY, THERE'S A DOCTOR NOW THAT'S--I GUESS THIS IS
CATCHING ON--THERE'S A DOCTOR WORKING ON SOMETHING CALLED
"VACATION BREASTS," AND THEY'RE--THEY'RE BREAST
ENLARGEMENTS AND THEY LAST A COUPLE OF WEEKS,
SO YOU CAN HAVE BIGGER BREASTS WHEN YOU GO AWAY ON VACATION.
[cheers and applause]
AND IN CASE OF A WATER LANDING
THEY CAN BE USED AS FLOTATION DEVICES.
[cheers and applause]
THAT'S FALSE ADVERTISING, TO BE OUT ON VACATION, MEET SOMEBODY
WITH--YOU KNOW, AND THEN THEY GO MEET YOU SOMEPLACE ELSE--
"HEY! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE--" [audience laughter]
BUT ANYWAY, IT ONLY LASTS A FEW WEEKS.
I CAME UP WITH SOMETHING A WHOLE LOT BETTER.
IT'S A PRODUCT THAT LETS YOU HAVE BIGGER BREASTS
WHENEVER YOU WANT.
I'M CALLING IT "ELLEN'S ADJUST-A-BREAST."
"-BUST," AND UM-- [audience laughter]
IT'S MY OTHER TITLE. EL--UH, LAUREN?
HEY, WHERE ARE YOU? COME ON OUT HERE,
I WANT TO SHOW YOU ALL HOW IT WORKS.
OKAY.
LAUREN--
LAUREN IS WEARING-- [applause]
LAUREN IS WEARING THE ADJUST-A-BUST UNDER HER SWEATER.
YOU CAN'T TELL, BUT-- [audience laughter]
HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT WORKS.
LET'S SAY LAUREN IS SPEEDING, AND THEN AN OFFICER IS--
SHE GETS PULLED OVER,
AND THE OFFICER IS WALKING UP TO THE CAR.
YOU JUST PUMP IT UP, OKAY? ALL RIGHT, SO THAT...
WHEN THE OFFICER... [audience screams in reaction]
[cheers and applause] COMES OVER...
NO...
NO SPEEDING TICKET!
"OFFICER, MY EYES ARE UP HERE."
AND THEN, LATER IN THE DAY, LAUREN'S GOING HOME,
AND SHE'S GARDENING, BUT THEN SHE GETS LOCKED OUT
OF HER HOUSE, SO SHE HAS TO SHIMMY THROUGH HER WINDOW.
SO THEN SHE JUST DOES THAT.
OKAY. SHE JUST DOES THAT.
OKAY. DOES THAT.
[audience laughter]
[applause]
SHE GETS INTO HER HOUSE, AND EVERYTHING'S GOOD.
BUT THEN LATER THAT NIGHT SHE WANTS TO GO TO A BAR,
AND SHE WANTS FREE DRINKS, SO--
[audience laughter and applause]
THERE YOU--FREE DRINKS ALL NIGHT LONG, WITH THAT...
[audience laughter] RIGHT?
SO REAL-LOOKING. ALSO, THESE--
[audience laughter] THESE WILL BE SOLD IN
THE ELLEN SHOP FOR $2,501. [audience laughter]
THIS IS ALL CRAZY.
IT'S NOT THE SIZE OF YOUR BREASTS THAT MATTERS.
IT'S THAT YOU'RE SMART, AND YOU'RE KIND,
AND YOU HAVE A GREAT BUTT. THAT'S WHAT MATTERS.
[audience laughter]
YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE FULLY PUMPED RIGHT NOW,
BECAUSE IT IS TIME TO DANCE.