Captioning provided by MUHSEN (www.muhsen.org)
As parents, we tend to follow a blueprint
when it comes to our parenting style,
even if we don't know it.
We do the same thing, by the way, as spouses also.
When we come upon an unfamiliar situation
or a stressful moment,
we fall back onto what we subconsciously consider
a blueprint for how to be a spouse or a parent,
which is basically how our parents
would've dealt with that situation.
As parents, we rely on the blueprint of our own parents
to inform our own parenting style.
As a husband or wife, we rely on the example of our parents
to inform our blueprint of how to be a husband or a wife.
Even in the area of education,
there's research in what is called "default teaching",
where teachers tend to teach their students
based on how their own teachers taught them.
Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing.
In fact, while some of us might think back and
critique certain aspects of how our parents raised us,
the majority of how they raised us was likely good.
So the idea of relying on a subconscious blueprint
is not necessarily a bad thing.
But there is a really beautiful statement
from Ali Bin Abi Talib RadiAllahu Anh,
which is really important for parents to reflect upon.
He said,
"La turabuu abnayikum kama rabaakum abayukum
fanahum khalaquu lizaman ghayr zamanikum"
"Do not raise your children just as your parents raised you,
for they were created for a generation
different than yours."
This statement is actually really powerful
when you think about it.
Our parents raised us a certain way,
but we are also children during a different generation,
a different age, and a different time.
So if we try to take that exact blueprint
and apply it during a different age,
and context, and dynamic, it's likely to fail.
And that means that as parents,
it's important for us to develop
a sense of adaptability and flexibility.
How we were raised might need to be different
than how we raise our own kids.
In fact, how we raise one child in our home today
might need to be different than how we raise another child.
While there are aspects of parenting
that need to be consistent,
consistent with our values,
consistent with our approach to discipline, et cetera,
there are also aspects of parenting
that require us to be adaptable.
And we can see it in our time
more than any other time before.
I was a child when the internet
was only starting to become a thing.
I was in middle school
when people started to have email addresses.
Now kids walk around with smartphones
and have unprecedented access to technology and information.
That must make the parent adapt.
I can't raise my child exactly the way that I was raised.
I know they're going to be exposed to information
at a far earlier age than I ever was.
And that means certain conversations.
Maybe speaking to them, for instance, about Islamophobia,
or speaking to them
about certain aspects of sexual education,
conversations which, maybe in the past,
we would have waited longer before having with our children,
maybe now in this generation,
these conversations with our children
have to happen earlier than expected
because of how easily kids are exposed to information now.
Likewise, certain cultural modes change over time.
When I was growing up my parents didn't really buy me stuff.
They didn't buy me expensive sneakers, or cell phones,
or give me an allowance or anything like that.
My parents would only buy for me the bare necessities.
However, that was typical.
Pretty much everyone in my school was in the same boat.
Now, today, perhaps things have changed where you live.
Maybe it's typical for kids to have certain clothing,
or sneakers, and things along those lines.
And if I treated my kids exactly the way
that I was raised and refuse to purchase anything
of these kinds of things for them,
they might feel excluded and ostracized
from their classmates to a certain degree.
Now I'm not telling you to go buy them stuff.
I'm saying it's an example of how we need to think through
how we were raised versus the dynamics of the world
our children are growing up in.
It's a different world, and we have to be aware of that.
As Ali Bin Abi Talib said,
our children were created for a time different than ours,
"Innahum khuliqu lizaman ghayr zamanikum"
They were created for a different world,
a world different than the one that we were in as kids.
Another important factor in being an adaptable parent
is realizing that even between different kids,
we need to be adaptable in our style
from one child to another.
There's a large study on siblings,
twins and otherwise, who were raised together
and raised in different foster homes apart from one another.
This study tried to track down
whether environment or genes played a bigger factor
in how children were raised.
What was interesting is that there was insight
in these studies about how siblings in the same home,
with the same parents can turn out very differently.
And one of the reasons for this is that
a single parenting style could be interpreted
very differently by two siblings.
For instance, the structure that a parent institutes
in their house can be seen by one child as very helpful
and very stifling by another child.
A parent asking their children questions about their day
might be seen as a sign of caring from one sibling,
might be seen as a sign of intruding from another.
The same event can be interpreted differently by siblings,
depending on who they are.
Think about being in a car accident.
Two people can be in the same car accident
and step out of the car
with completely different perspectives.
One of them says,
"I don't want to drive anymore because I could've died.",
and the other one says,
"I feel really safe in cars, that car's airbags deployed,
I felt great, the emergency brakes worked,
I feel very confident in being in a car and driving again."
The same incident, the same event,
can be perceived very differently by two different people.
Likewise, your children can experience the same parents,
the same home, the same parenting style,
yet have very different interpretations
about your parenting.
And this is because people are different,
even if they are siblings and share the same parents.
The Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam said
that when Allah created Adam,
that Allah, "Akhidha qablatan min alard"
that Allah took a handful of the soil
of all the earth, so the Children of Adam
are in accordance to the earth:
some red, some white, some black, some a mixture,
and also some soft and some rough.
What does this hadith mean?
When Allah created Adam,
he took a handful of soil from all over the earth.
The Prophet says because of this
the Children of Adam have the skin tones of the earth.
Some are black, like dark soil,
some are white, like white soil,
and all the shades in between.
And then the Prophet says, and because of this,
just like soil can be rough or soil can be soft,
the Children of Adam, some of them will be born
with strong personalities,
others will have soft, gentle personalities,
and all the shades in between.
In other words, people will be born with different
personalities, even if they are siblings,
and all came from Adam Alayhi Salaam.
Because of this, we have to be adaptable and flexible enough
to change our style
based on the personality of our children.
Think of how the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam
was a leader.
He knew the personality and abilities of his companions
and he adjusted his style accordingly.
When Umar Ibn Khattab came to accept Islam,
the Prophet grabbed him by his collar,
pulled him towards himself,
said, "Oh Umar,
will you not stop doing what you are doing
until Allah sends shame upon you and misfortune?",
after which Umar accepted Islam.
The Prophet was tough with him,
but Umar's personality was tough.
He likely responds to strong leadership positively.
Meanwhile, Uthman RadiAllahu Anh is soft and gentle,
described as shy and modest.
When he enters the room,
the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam sits up,
rearranges his clothing, orders his clothing.
The Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam was skilled at
knowing his companions,
their personalities, their capabilities,
and adjusting to them.
The Prophet's closest companions
were Abu Bakr and Umar, yet sometimes
he would give leadership to Khalid Ibn Walid
in the battlefield over them.
He understood the personalities and capabilities,
who will thrive in what situation.
Likewise, as parents
sometimes we might want to push our children
into a very narrow definition of success,
that success means being a doctor or a lawyer.
And that might be great for one child,
who's well-suited for that type of career.
It might be terrible for another,
whose mind and personality is better suited elsewhere.
Maybe that child is a great storyteller.
Maybe they would do better and be better suited
for a career in journalism, or as an author.
We have to understand our kids
in order to be able to adapt to them effectively.
So how can we become flexible and adaptable parents?
What are the keys for us?
Number one, be willing to explore options.
Just because something worked in the past,
it worked for us when we were kids,
it worked for one child,
doesn't necessitate that it will work in the future.
If something isn't working,
be willing to explore a different style
or strategy to communicate with our children.
Number two, be curious about your kids and their life.
Spend time alone with them, try to learn about them.
Who are they?
What is their personality? What is their world?
They're growing up in a completely different
world than yours,
and they might have a completely different
personality than yours.
You need to learn it and understand it
in order to best adjust to their needs.
Number three, create a support system.
Look to friends and families
and others who hold similar values to you
that are also trying to raise their kids.
Maybe you can learn a different strategy from them
that might work with your kids as well.
May Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la allow us
to be adaptable parents
and to be able to serve the needs of our kids
so that they can be raised upon righteousness and purity.
Ameen.