-That's what I'm talking about!
Welcome back. Tim Allen.
-Oh, yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-It's a pleasure to have you back.
Thank you for being here. You look good, bud.
-It's just great to be here.
This is going -- It seems to have been 10 years.
-It is, right?
I wanted to ask you, by the way,
I know you're good friends with Jay Leno.
And he just got out of the hospital today.
-He's great. They said -- He's one of those heroes that --
Remember the "Deadpool" villain that couldn't feel pain?
-Yeah. -He's that guy. I saw him.
I called him the day of the accident --
Our shops are close to each other.
We play around with hot rods and stuff.
And one of his mechanics called and said,
"Jay's in a bad accident."
And I don't -- What do you do?
He's going to the hospital. What am I'm going to do?
All I can do is leave a message.
He calls, like, back five minutes later.
"Hey, Tim, what's going on?"
[ Laughter ]
"Oh, sorry, Jay. I heard you were in a bad accident."
"Yeah, burned all over. Third-degree burns on my hands,
on my face, everything." I go, "Uh, uh,
where -- What are you doing right now?"
"I'm holding the phone. It's really painful."
[ Laughter ]
And he's not on painkillers.
He said, "And I'm not doing painkillers."
"Why not?" "Pain is there for a reason."
-[ Laughs ] Oh, my God.
-What do you say to that?
[ Laughter ] -Oh, my God.
-"O-Okay."
"Okay. I think pain is there to tell you to take a painkiller.
Isn't that what it's supposed to do?"
-That's what pain tells you.
-Went and saw him and he's just an amazing human being.
He just wanted to get out of the hospital.
And he's -- It was one bit after another.
We sat and talked for a lot. -That's hilarious.
-I get interviewed and they said he's -- "He looks terrible."
I said, "Well, he generally
didn't look that good to begin with."
[ Laughter ] -He would like that.
-Every comic said the same joke, but when you get under pressure,
you say that, people go, "Oh, that's terrible."
-Yeah, no. Jay would love that. -Yeah.
But he's going -- He said he's going with the Clooney look.
And he looks really good considering the grafts he's got.
The picture today, it is amazing what they can do.
The hospital did a great job. -We hope a speedy recovery, Jay.
We love you, bud. Yeah, it's good to hear.
Thank you for the update on him. [ Applause ]
-Mm-hmm.
-It's probably good 'cause he probably wants another comic
to come in and do jokes, which is good.
-We were just riffing. It was so stupid.
He's all bandaged up.
"Yeah, I'm not on painkillers.
I don't feel like no painkillers."
I kept looking. I go, "Could I use some?"
Because I'm -- -Yeah.
-"I'm in pain watching you." [ Laughter ]
-You told me that you recently went on a safari.
-Oh, yeah. Because of COVID, it was supposed to be --
whenever that was, back in the '30s.
It seems like it was years ago. [ Laughter ]
And we went to Zimbabwe, Tanzania, Kenya,
all through Eastern Africa.
And it was -- The country is gigantic, number one.
-Yeah. -And you get -- I've gone to
Egypt and Northern Africa,
which is no relation to Southern Africa.
I learned that.
But mostly, it's a huge zoo, but it's the opposite.
You're in a cage, and there's animals running everywhere.
-Yeah, you're living in a zoo.
-You're sitting in this little vehicle.
And I said, "Do they know we're here?
Do they seem to care that you're there?"
So, the best memory I have, driving up
in one of these vehicles, and I looked, the guy says,
"If you look to your left, there's a lion."
And you look -- and I couldn't see it because he was
literally -- I could have touched his nose.
I went, "Oh, geez, oh, God." -Wow.
-And the lion's there.
And he goes, "His brother is next to him."
I go, "I can see that.
Are we supposed to be this close?"
He goes, "They don't care about us."
-Is that right? -"They care about the buffalo
they killed on the other side of the road."
You look over there and there's a dead buffalo
with its butt eaten out, whatever they -- lions --
[ Laughter ]
It's kind of a disgusting process.
I guess they start...ass first.
I've never seen anything like it.
[ Laughter ]
Well, I don't know what they were doing.
But they weren't eating it. We're going like this.
They said they're just -- "What are they looking at?"
He goes, "Well, you --" [ Chuckles ]
"You never want to be between a lion and their prey."
And I'm going, "So you wouldn't
want to be kind of where we are?"
[ Laughter ] -Exactly where we are right now.
-And the driver goes, "Oh, man. We should back up."
-Yeah, hold on a second. -Yeah.
"Is this the first time you've done this, sir?"
-I want to mention, by the way, your stand-up tour.
You're going to be in North Charleston, South Carolina.
And on January 7th, you're in Boston.
-Good one. -Thank you.
You can check all this out on timallen.com.
-This is why we rehearse. -Yeah.
North Charleston.
Have you ever been there before?
-I've been both of these places. This has been a year.
Speaking of, you know, Leno goes out like 200 dates a year.
I've been doing comedy for 30 years, the same opening act.
My whole business got started on --
My first act was "Home Improvement."
I sold that. I've done this.
And we were talking backstage about this, about --
Comedy has changed a little bit.
Comics don't have, um, unions.
We're a burlesque union is really what it is.
So people can steal your jokes.
That's just what they do. -Yeah.
-And one -- And we're all looking for a hook.
So, I'm doing this gig in Canada when I first started out.
And NBC wanted to see me at the time because I was getting
this hook with this grunting and all this tool stuff.
And I'm following a guy named Chris Lyman.
And you look out the -- and his manager is introducing him
buck naked with the ugliest male body parts
I've ever seen in my life from the back.
They're not that handsome on any angle.
But from -- on a stool, you're going, "Boy, if you can see
the unit on a stool --" You're going,
"What the hell is going on here?"
-Yeah. -The guy goes out buck naked,
does his whole act and ends --
I don't know how he was holding it or where it was exactly
but he had a Roman candle sticking out of his rear end,
and he's spinning around going,
"There's no business like show business."
And he's spinning around
and there's a Roman candle going in the audience.
And the guy -- It goes, "Fft, fft, fffft," and it goes out.
He goes back, and the guy says, "Thank you, Chris.
And now comedian Tim Allen."
[ Laughter ] -"How do I follow that?"
-How do you follow a guy with a Roman candle in his rear end?
He comes backstage on his way back, covered up and go,
"Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me."
Like, "Oh, so, now you're modest after this."
[ Laughter ] -Now you're professional. Yeah.
-The whole room is fill with half smoke --
acrid smoke with NBC execs.
Everybody is out there going -- [ Coughing ]
-You go, "What the -- -"What did I just see?"
-Yeah. But yet, you did it.
-Yeah, I did the bit. -You followed it.
-Followed the bit. And my career, well, it took off.
So I guess it was something for somebody.
-You did pretty well. Yeah.
I want to talk about your new series, "The Santa Clauses."
You're getting back in the suit.
Does the holiday -- Is it a change for you now?
-At this time of year, it's become kind of
this iconic piece come back.
And the only reason I wanted to do it,
I'm kind of a sci-fi freak, and I want to make sure
all the holes in the script are -- I never understood,
even in the movie, why the elves, when I showed up
at the North Pole, didn't go,
"Hey, what happened to the other guy?"
You know, I just hop in the sleigh
with the kid and we go off.
No one ever asks, "Where's --
Does Mrs. Claus know that the other guy is dead?"
"Did the other guy die?" -There's holes in the plot.
-It was huge holes. "Why does Mrs. Claus have a name?
What's her first name?" And that -- So, they --
We came up with this script, "The Clauses."
I have a family now.
And they end up doing all --
They fill up the holes in all this.
I should interrupt this. My kid was in it.
And my youngest kid, I wanted her to be an elf as a surprise.
She ended up reading the dialogue so well
that the kid got the lead in it.
-Yeah, she's -- -She's Santa's daughter.
-She's gorgeous, by the way. I met her backstage, Elizabeth.
-It's just -- It was the most amazing occurrence.
She'll even say it. I get -- No matter how mad I am,
I come on the set, big set they got in there in Hollywood.
And they go, "He's on the move, he's on the move.
Santa's on the move." And I'm just mad and sweaty.
I'm already mad. But you show up on set.
You got adults, grips, camera people, sound.
Everybody goes, "Oh, look."
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
-Because you've become this thing.
-Jolly. -And so I got to stop swearing.
-Yeah, yeah. But I -- It's an interesting story about
your daughter getting cast because she's --
How old is she?
-She was 13 the day she started.
The girl in the movie, Sandra -- Sandra Claus is 13.
And, again, it was one of these audition processes that I just
wanted her to read, say, "Hi, Santa,"
as a Christmas gift as an elf. Just walk by once.
-And you thought it would be something fun
for you and your wife to always have.
-She's great in school.
My daughter is real good in sports.
We just didn't want her getting this.
-Yeah. -She read it so well,
drilled it. -She nailed it.
-Oh, God. -Yeah, I have a picture of you
and your daughter here. It's so cute.
[ Audience aws ]
And you were telling me that you go -- you got real emotional.
-Oh, well, this is a real emotional scene.
This one comes out -- The first two, as they dropped,
and now the series starts this week.
And this scene, I'm trying to convince her I want to retire
and go back to Chicago where I started the whole thing.
And she says, "I'm afraid." And I said -- I get choked up.
She goes, "I'm afraid. Are you afraid?
Have you ever been afraid, Dad?"
I said, "of course, but I would be less afraid
if we could be afraid together."
And I'm doing that with my kid. I'm looking in her eyes.
I'm going, "Whoa, man."
This was -- It was -- It was unbelievable.
-Everyone was crying. -Oh, everybody was crying.
-It's awesome.
It's heartwarming but it's also funny.
I tell you who really is funny.
Peyton Manning gets some good laughs.
And Peyton -- [ Laughter ]
Here's you and Peyton Manning.
How is it like doing a scene with Peyton Manning?
-Well, this was nuts. I'm a huge football fan.
-Yeah. -Sorry about the Giants.
Well, I'm from Detroit,
so it was the weirdest football game ever.
-Yeah, I know. But they're still having a good season.
People are still happy. -I understand.
I'm a Giants fan from way back.
Anyway, Y.A. Tittle sent me a letter when I was a kid.
He's a big Giants -- Long story short.
Anyhow, Peyton's on the show, but I'm dressed as Santa Claus.
So he's doing the same look to me.
He's going, "Ho, ho. Look at you."
I go, "No, man. I'm a fan."
But I'm under seven feet of makeup."
And I was like a kid because he's really good.
And he said, "Oh, look at you. I want a football."
He's doing -- He's like --
-He never said, "I want a football."
[ Laughter ]
-He was so natural and so funny.
He's so engaging because I --
The story is I'm auditioning new guys to be Santa.
And he's got a good football record.
And I thought maybe that would make a good Santa Claus.
Drilled the scene. Drilled the scene.
-I want to show a clip.
Here's Tim Allen in "The Santa Clauses."
Take a look at this.
-Okay, okay. How about this?
Give us your best "ho, ho, ho."
-Oh, okay. Here we go.
Ho, ho, homaha! Homaha!
You see that? I called a little audible there.
-He -- -He's odd, yet somehow perfect.
-He's odd, alright.
I don't know if we have a hat big enough for that head.
Phew. Look at the size of that thing.
-What's gotten into you? We need to find someone quickly.
-What's the rush?
-Well, breaking in new Santas take time.
-Breaking in a Santa.
We're talking about Santas, not horses.
-I know. Horses listen.
-Ha, that's a good one.
-Are you still here?
-Yeah. Tim Allen, everyone!
New episodes of "The Santa Clauses"
are available every Wednesday on Disney+.
Lacey Chabert joins us after the break.
Stick around, everybody.