God.
This year has sucked
remember at the beginning of the year when David Bowie died and
We were all joking how much this year sucked and we had no idea no
idea I know that on this channel. I generally keep it to uh
Media related stuff and even then it's Mostly theory
And, um, I know we're all kind of doing a little bit of soul-searching right now and right now
I know you know, we're all kind of ranging from
stressed to pant shittingly terrified, and this is not made awesome by the fact that thanksgiving is coming up and, um
A lot [of] people are not looking forward to spending time with their families
Fortunately my family is pretty cool, so this is- Of my many worries
this isn't one of them?
But in you know my pants shitting terror part of what I've been doing is going to community meetings and rallies
Um, learning coping strategies and also organization strategies going forward and so I wanted to share some of the stuff I've learned
Hoping that it might help you not only better deal with your family, but also help begin the process of "healing the divide"
politically speaking
Like these are scary times
But with the exception of the extreme right, you know the literal nazis and the massive assholes, most people I think are still
Receptive to change. And I think a lot of us young white people on the more
Progressive side have really dropped the ball in terms of hermetically sealing ourselves into this
bubble of everyone agrees with us
And we have avoided having some difficult conversations, so first of all, your mileage may vary. These are just suggestions.
But while enduring family members that might be smug, or don't want to talk about it, or might be really insensitive to your feelings,
think in the long term. While it is possible that we might be headed into Fascist America and World War Three,
let's assume that
we're not and that the best thing we can do when we spend time with our families is
getting them to be concerned with the plight of people who are not them.
And this is really difficult and I think
whenever you're talking to your family
you need to keep this in the back your mind that humans are naturally just innately really, really, tribal. And
lately the tribe has become political as well as racial, and this has been what motivated a lot of voters, especially
Trump voters. They see the world in terms of us versus them. So try to think in terms of long term strategies, both in
introducing your families to ideas that they might not have considered, and also to help preserve your
long term relationship. If you are feeling up to having a dialogue, come in with an objective and
do not come in to argue or to trap them. You will fail, and you will change no minds or
perspectives. The most important thing to remember when engaging in any dialogue is
You have no influence over someone for whom you show an underlying
contempt. And this applies both ways. Think of how you feel whenever someone is dismissive of your opinion.
So remember if your plan is to change minds in the long run,
you need to leave the contempt at home, and if you can't do that,
you're not gonna help anything and it's probably best just to keep your mouth shut.
Secondly, do not expect immediate results. These things take time. Right now what you need to be focusing on is instead
introducing them to new ideas and empathizing with how you feel. Change in perspective absolutely
does happen. Look at support for the Iraq war since 2003. People do change their minds.
But these things do take time. Be patient. This might seem obvious, but do not yell. Third-
Do not appeal to facts. People don't care.
What you should instead be appealing to is their sense of empathy. It does not matter how backed up by
empirical study you are, and how backed up they are solely by whatever Facebook meme
they shared. You insisting how right you are is not going to change anyone's mind, so don't
focus on trying to persuade people with facts
They don't care. Getting people to see outside of their own sphere is a
difficult painful process, and it is absolutely possible,
but again, these things do take time. Right now the best you can hope for is to introduce them
to these concepts. Like, I'm worried about the literal nazis.
Shaming does not work. Do not frame any dialogue in terms of "look at what you did!"
Do not blame people, do not say "this is your fault"
no matter how much you might be feeling that. That's not gonna help anything in the long-term. Also,
listen. No matter how terrible and loathsome your relatives ideas might be on, say, race or gender,
try and listen to them, and try to
understand the basis for their concerns. You can't expect them to listen to you if you will not afford them the same courtesy.
Again, do not appeal to people's logic. Frame things rather in empathetic terms. If this is your family,
they should be able to feel empathy with you and your concerns. Try to make your concerns as subjective as you can.
Instead of talking obliquely about groups you are afraid for, or freedoms
you are afraid you might lose, try to keep things very
specific. For instance, if you had a friend who was harassed by a white supremacist in the wake of
the election.
Try to keep your sphere as small as possible
whenever you're expressing your concerns. That makes them a lot more difficult to dismiss if you can make them
subjective, and about you or people you know. Do not deny the importance of their perceived issues
unless they are- their issues are literal white supremacy, in which case
they're a lost cause, don't bother. Try to find some common ground.
Don't play into their narrative: that YOU are the one who doesn't listen. If you have a gloater in the family someone who is going
to come in spoiling for a fight, and so happy about your liberal tears, do not let them rile you up.
Their empathy is at about a zero right now. The best you can hope for is to
reignite their sense of empathy. Again, humans are tribal. You might be in a different tribe politically, but you're still in the same
Tribe familially (is that a word?). If this gloater is not a lost cause, try to appeal to their common human empathy.
Try to get them not to see you as a political rival,
but as a family member who is deeply scared and concerned for the way the country is going, for the spike in hate
crimes, for their
friends who might be losing their rights, or who might themselves be victims of hate crimes. Do not be afraid to frame things in terms
of "you're hurting me when you say things like this." If they try to rile you up, don't get angry.
Tell them that it hurts you. They need to see that there is a real human cost to being so insensitive. You
do not owe it to your family to hide your concern, your anger, your fear...
You do not owe it to them to make them feel comfortable. And you don't have to sugarcoat it.
You don't owe it to them right now.
And if you are not yet at a place where you think you can talk about those issues,
and I know
emotions are still really raw, and there are a lot of you who can't, then you need to be focusing on your self-care,
and maybe worry about changing minds later. First of all- and
I'm going to go ahead and use this term- make sure you have a safe space in whatever house you are in
that you can go and hide
whenever you feel overwhelmed. Go out to the woods, go to the bathroom... Your family
can't tell you you can't go to the bathroom
if someone has said something has upset you or if a subject has broached that you do not want to hear. Secondly,
have a phone-a-friend.
Coordinate with someone ahead of time that you can text or call in case you feel overwhelmed.
Someone that you can vent at. And again, you do not owe it to your family if they are being shitty to you right now
to make them feel comfortable. You can protest silently. You do not have to explain your grievances to them,
but you also do not owe it to them to make
them feel okay with the way things are going. If they don't respect your feelings,
you can cut and run. If you can't cut and run, you can hide until you can. It is really scary right now that we
are basically having to protect ourselves from our own families,
but we also need to be thinking in the long term to-
hopefully-
maybe this will not always be the case. And part of that is both sides
breaking out of their hermetically sealed bubble, and trying to find some common ground. Fighting the literal nazis might be a good one.
"Hey, mom. I'm really worried about the literal Nazis.
Like, they call themselves that"
Don't call them alt-right. They're nazis. And the most important thing to consider is stress makes time feel
expanded. It's part of the human brain's process of taking in all of this god-awful new horror
we are exposed to every day. So, do not forget to take care of yourself. If you feel
overwhelmed by all the horrors of the world, you're not helping anyone by letting yourself get ground down until you are basically
incapable of doing any action. Take care of yourself.
This is gonna be a really long slog. And part of that long slog is not cutting off half the country, especially
white people. If you have friends and families who are moderate, or wishy-washy, or
even on the
conservative side but at least give a shit about you, try to get them to listen and empathize with your concerns. And also, listen to
them. You have no influence over
anyone for whom you show an underlying
contempt, and the same flies both ways. There is no one solution to this, and part of the process of the next few years is
going to be
strategizing and organizing and figuring out what to do. And the most important thing that you need to remember is that you are not alone.
Even if you are alone within your own family,
we are all terrified.
We in the united states are terrified, and the rest of the world is shitting their pants too. We're all scared.
This is a really stressful time. If you are having a difficult time managing your stress,
you're not alone.
And if you need some time to cope, that is okay. And if now is not the time to talk to your conservative
Trumpy family, that's okay too.
That time can come later. Right now, you need to take care of yourself first, because we are going to need a
lot of strength in
the coming [sigh] months and years.
Happy Thanksgiving