Global warming, sometimes I think global warming's just
the Lord punishing some people.
And we get punished because we stay in the same city
they stay in.
Because my aunt stayed in New Orleans for years.
[cheering]
Yeah.
Hurricane Katrina came through.
She lost everything.
She moved to Houston.
[laughter]
Hurricane Harvey came through.
She lost everything again.
And she gonna call me.
I ap-- you know, I was sympathetic to her situation.
She said, well, you know, the Lord put it on my heart
last night that I might need to move over to Atlanta with you.
I was like, you is a goddamn liar.
Don't bring your damn ass up here
with that badass love the Lord.
Ain't fucking with you right now.
The Lord ain't told you no such thing.
He know my burden.
Not my Jesus, he ain't tell you that.
[laughter]
I done built a nice little life for myself up here in Atlanta.
Tell me what the Lord put on your heart.
He ain't CC me.
You need to tag me in that next time.
Y'all need to forward that to me.
That's some devilish spam.
I think the devil catfishing you.
[laughter]
Bring your ass up here with that crazy stuff.
Started my vegetarian diet Monday morning, y'all.
[cheering]
Yeah.
Ended it Monday evening.
Never do that stupid-ass shit.
It's stupid.
I'm not gonna do that.
Food taste like notebook paper.
I'm not fixing to do that.
Went to the vegetarian place, told them I'm new to this.
You know?
Can you give me some samples?
Y'all got a sampler platter or something?
She gonna bring the little platter back.
I was like, what is that?
She gonna say, that's a pork-flavored
fermented soybeans.
And that's a shot of celery water with wheatgrass
and cayenne pepper in it.
I was like, I'm gonna need you to go back in the back
and find me some goat-flavored possum and a tall glass
of sparkling parakeet piss.
Because that sound more appealing than this shit,
this shit you talking about here.
You talking crazy.
[laughter]
I left up out of there and went to Waffle House.
I'm not fixing to--
no, because Waffle House know how to treat you, you know.
For all of y'all that don't know, Waffle House is a unique
dining destination in itself, a wonderful place,
especially if you don't mind eating your food
in a gas station bathroom.
[laughter]
Because they don't give a damn about no
cleanliness inspections at the Waffle House.
I don't know who in charge of the cleansing inspection
down there.
But he clearly don't take his job seriously.
I don't know.
The health inspector must show up once a month
and just pull up to the truck.
He don't even get out.
Y'all straight in there?
Y'all good?
OK.
I'll be back next month.
And drive off.
But there's something about Waffle
House, something about how they greet you in the South,
you know.
[cheering]
May I hepcha?
May I hepcha, please?
You know that food gonna be good if the bitch say hepch.
You ain't even have to say please.
You had me at hepch.
This is about to be delightful.
Something about Waffle House, something
about a big dusty dude look like he just
got done pulling a transmission out a car,
touching your meat with his bare hands.
Oowee, there's something about that.
Oh.
I be liking it when the lawnmower
oil be on their fingernails.
You ever seen lawnmower oil?
That make that patty melt taste more tasty when the lawnmower
oil be on their fingernails.
I love that.
I be liking grits.
Nothing like a big bowl of grits with some butter in it.
[cheering]
But they ain't got no good attention
to detail in the Waffle House.
Lady gonna bring my grits had the bowl tilted,
had her thumb in my grits.
[crowd groans]
Set the bowl down.
So I was like, [smacks lips].
Baby, can I get you something else?
Yes, bitch, another bowl of grits.
Because your finger was in that one.
How the hell you didn't feel them piping
hot grits on your damn finger?
What the hell your thumbnail made out of?
Titanium, bitch?
You got on the Ironman glove, bitch?
Are you Tony Starks?
[laughter]