Reviewer: Ellen Maloney
Do you know someone with a listening problem?
Or are you that someone who has a listening problem?
Poor listening leads to misunderstandings,
weaker relationships,
even wars.
By the way, I want you to know, I'm deaf.
I don't want you to think I'm doing the world's worst
Arnold Schwarzenegger impression ever
(Applause) (Cheers)
I'm here to share with you how to listen.
I know how weird this is.
A deaf person giving you listening tips.
(Laughter)
What's next?
A blind person giving you decorating advice?
(Laughter)
Or Donald Trump giving you hair care tips?
(Laughter) (Applause) (Cheers)
Do you feel like everything you say goes in one ear and out the other?
Or in my case, in one eye and out the other?
(Laughter)
Many years ago, I was set up on a blind date
with my future wife, Ann-Marie.
She found out I was deaf before our date
so she bought a book called "Sign Language for Dummies."
(Laughter)
How great is that?
(Applause)
Only problem is I don't know any sign language.
(Laughter)
Except for the swear words.
So on our date I explained to Ann-Marie,
my parents raised me in a hearing world,
all I have to do is look at you and read your lips.
And by the way, you have the most beautiful lips.
(Laughter)
So our connection turned into romance and love.
We have a wonderful son together.
(Applause)
And Ann-Marie says I hear better than anyone she's ever met.
(Laughter)
But you know what? it hasn't always been easy for me.
Nobody's life is.
I've had my challenges.
You've had yours, and I've had mine.
I've had to work so hard to communicate
because being left out was out of the question.
My lowest point was when I was 15 years old,
I'm with my best friend, Chris.
We're in Scouts together, and people call us 'the twins,'
because we did everything together, including Scouts.
I'm the only deaf person in my Scout troop.
We're all going on a Scout camp together,
and on the second night we're having a great time.
We built the mother of all bonfires.
It was so hot that Satan would burn if he stood next to it.
(Laughter)
We were having fun, we're swearing like drunken sailors.
(Laughter)
We're burning wieners to a crisp.
I'm sitting on a log with my buddies.
They're all talking,
and I'm having a really hard time reading their lips,
especially in the fire's flickering light.
It's like putting together a jigsaw puzzle
with no photo.
All I know is that Chris has got some amazing story about Mr. Brown.
By the time he's finished with his story, my buddies are laughing.
I missed the punchline.
I go, "Chris, Chris! What'd Mr. Brown say?"
He goes, "Nevermind."
"Chris! what did Mr. Brown say?"
"Nevermind."
So I go to another one of my buddies,
"Scott, what did Mr. Brown say?"
"Nevermind."
They did not see the hurt in my face,
that I really wanted to know what was going on.
So I pulled out my flashlight
(Laughter)
so I could read Chris' lips.
I go, "Hey Chris, what did Mr. Brown say?"
Chris goes, "Ahhh! I can't see!"
And I wondered why nobody would talk to me for the rest of the night.
(Laughter)
So I retreat back to my tent,
alone,
isolated; I feel like I'm left out.
They were talking, they were laughing.
If they saw the pain in my face, and in my heart,
they would understand better.
Have you ever had any bad experiences with poor listening?
We all pay a big price for poor listening.
Conflict, lack of respect,
lack of understanding,
lack of empathy.
I'm amazed that people who can hear do not use their ears.
I may be deaf, but I figured out a way to listen better,
and I'm excited to share with you what I learned.
It's really simple.
It involves three steps.
Step one is to listen with your full attention.
That means be in the moment.
Forget what everybody's saying in response.
Be focused on the person.
When you do that, you give them something we are all starved for:
Attention.
Two is to listen with your eyes.
That can be as simple as looking at the person,
their body language, how they're moving their arms,
their facial expressions.
For instance, if I am driving
and somebody down the road goes, "Ahhh!",
that's pretty obvious what they're trying to tell me.
(Laughter)
And it's time for me to drive off the sidewalk.
(Laughter) (Applause)
I'm amazed, I'm amazed at people who do not even
look at other people when they're talking.
If you give eye contact, in most cultures,
it's the ultimate form of connection.
The third thing you do is listen with your heart.
Open your heart to receive what the person has to say.
When you do that, you'll understand
where they're coming from, their feelings, their emotions.
Sometimes they just want to be understood
without you trying to find the bright side of things.
If someone goes to me, "I'm bankrupt!"
You never say this: "At least you don't have to pay taxes!"
(Laughter)
And sometimes the words
do not match their meaning.
The other day my wife bought a hideous bag.
(Laughter)
It looked like road kill.
(Laughter)
She goes,
"Stephen!
(Cheers)
What do you think of my bag?"
(Laughter)
She's not asking me for my opinion.
(Laughter)
She's fishing for a compliment!
(Laughter)
(Applause) (Cheers)
So, true listening involves:
listen with your attention,
listen with your eyes,
listen with your heart.
Being deaf I should be good at this,
but I need to practice.
The other day I was losing yet another argument with my wife.
(Laughter)
So I do this.
(Laughter)
She does this.
"Stephen!
Stephen!
(Laughter)
Are you listening?
Stephen! Are you listening?"
(Laughter) (Applause) (Cheers)
So if you listen with your eyes, your heart,
and your attention, you will have stronger relationships.
Remember my friend Chris who ignored me at the campfire?
As we got older, we learned to listen to each other
with respect, understanding, and empathy.
We reconnected, and he was the best man at my wedding.
(Applause)
My promise to you is that if you do what I shared with you today,
the universe will open up with so many possibilities.
People will want to hear what you have to say,
so loud and clear that it's deafening!
(Applause) (Cheers)