By now, we all know that, yesterday,
Roseanne was fired for tweeting
that former Obama advisor Valerie Jarrett
was the birth child of the Muslim Brotherhood
and the Planet of the Apes.
And many people applauded ABC for reacting swiftly
and canceling Roseanne.
Although, personally, I think ABC could do more.
I think they should go one step further
and reboot Family Matters with a super woke Steve Urkel.
Yeah. Just be like, "Did I do that?
"Or was it the oppressive socioeconomic system
that sees black men as a menace? Mm-hmm!"
Just-just my idea.
Now, Roseanne getting fired wasn't a shock.
Because, I mean, let's be honest,
comparing a black person to an ape
is what I like to call "shit your pants racism."
Right? It's so obvious. It's obviously bad.
You know, like, everyone can smell it, everyone can see it,
no one wants to help you clean it up.
Even the anti-PC brigade agreed Roseanne had gone too far.
Roseanne Barr made some really incendiary,
pretty appalling comments on Twitter.
After I saw this tweet this morning, Dan,
I'll be honest, I... it shocked me.
-We can't defend her. -Right.
It was unacceptable.
It was mean-spirited.
The Planet of the Apes was so over the line.
-There was no getting away from that. -Yeah.
The Muslim Brotherhood, that gets kicked around.
But when you combine that with the Planet of the Apes,
it's just so toxic. It's just, uh...
-You can't really ever come back. -Yeah.
Wow, that's an interesting angle.
Um, I love how precise Jesse Watters gets with this.
It's like he's a racism chemist.
"Look, on its own, Muslim Brotherhood is harmless.
"Yeah, but anti... That's an anti-Muslim slur.
"But once you combine it with too much Planet of the Apes,
"it's gonna blow up in your face. Trust me,
"when you've been saying racist shit as long as I have,
"you get a feel for it, you know? You-you get a feel.
You got to mix it just right."
And what was really fun was-was watching the people
who tried to argue that Roseanne wasn't being racist--
she was just sort of generally bad.
We live in a, uh, politically correct world right now.
We live in a world where it's just not...
it's just plain not nice.
-It's not nice to say this. -It's not about
-political correctness. It's racism. -Well, it-it...
-Hold on a minute. Let her finish. -Well, let...
let's just look at what this was and what she said.
The-the tweet was-was not nice.
It was ugly, it was demeaning,
it was gross.
And let's just leave it at that.
-Why? Why leave it at that? -It was... Because it's just...
Yeah. Why? Why leave it at that?
"Let's just leave it at that."
I want that lady to defend me in court.
"'Murder' is such a harsh word.
"Can't we all agree to call it 'making someone go bye-bye'?
"Huh? This is such a PC world,
where no one wants to die anymore, huh?"
And seriously, I'm impressed by all of this.
It takes a lot of mental strength to say
that calling a black woman an ape isn't racist.
Not everyone can pull it off.
Do you think Rosanne's a racist?
I don't think so. No.
I've seen her show many times
when she was in her previous show.
I don't think she's a racist.
I think she made some comments that she didn't think about
that would come across as sounding racist,
and indeed, they were.
(laughter)
Oh, this is... this is magic.
It's like his conservative side
and his black side were fighting it out in his head,
and his black side won at the last minute.
"She made some comments that might sound racist
"because that shit was racist!
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa."
Now after this, Rosanne apologized on Twitter
and said that the reason she tweeted those racist things
was because she was on Ambien and it was Memorial Day.
And you know how Memorial Day gets people-- nigga--
and in Rosanne's defense, tweeting stuff that is racist
while you're on Ambien, I do understand
because if you listen carefully to their ads,
there is a subtle warning about just this thing.
(upbeat piano music plays)
MAN: Now thanks to Ambien, you can get
a good night's sleep and wake up well rested.
Side effects of Ambien include nausea,
diarrhea and sudden racism.
Do not operate social media while taking Ambien
as it may lead to sitcom loss.
If you feel sudden racism while on Ambien,
don't leave your house.
If you must say the "N" word,
scream it into a pillow until the feeling passes.
If Ambien is taken on Memorial Day,
racist side effects are amplified for some reason.
If you suddenly wake up and you're at a Klan rally,
contact your doctor immediately unless he's black,
because you'll probably just call him a monkey.
Ambien-- for a good night's sleep and potential racism.