here is an essay from one of my students which sadly would not get more than a 6.5 score
actually his vocabulary and grammar, the skills we usually associate with learning English, are good
enough for a band 7 but that's only half of the mark the other two criteria which measure your
essay writing skills namely task response and coherence and cohesion are only at a band 6.0
level this means that the final score for this task 2 is only 6.5 precisely the score so many
students are stuck in I know that for some of you a 6.5 may be enough to pass your test
but what we're going to discuss today can help you boost your score whichever level you're at
I'll show you how to transform this essay into band 8 essay in simple steps and you
learn how to prepare for your writing test to get the highest score you can
get with your current level of English it's Asiya let's get started [Music]
here is the essay topic not enough students around the world choose to study science at university
what are the reasons for this what impact does this issue have on society give reasons for your
answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience write at least 250
words yes it's one of those two direct questions types of essays here is the classic four paragraph
structure an introduction where you paraphrase a task and briefly outline the essay plan
body paragraph one where you give reasons body paragraph two where you explain the impact any
conclusion where you summarize the main points let's look at the essay now first before you
read it just look at the essay overall do you notice anything interesting right five paragraphs
not four we'll have to see if there is a good reason for that anything else at first glance
seems like a good length 315 words I've corrected the most obvious vocabulary and grammar mistakes
but even with these mistakes it could get a band 7 if not the essay writing errors that's so commonly
drag the writing score down let's transform this answer into band 8 or at least a band
7.5 as a paragraph by paragraph starting with the introduction let's read our students introduction
it has recently been found that not enough students are leaning towards science subjects
compared to other Majors there are several reasons for this issue that will be put forward in the
following paragraphs remember our task type is to direct questions so it's important to mention both
questions in the introduction but here only one is covered the band aid task response descriptor
points out the need to address all parts of the question and that means doing that right
from the start so how can we make this better of course includes something about the other question
we can simply add it at the end of the introduction as well as an analysis of
the effect this lack of scientists has on society that's all time for body paragraphs here is the
first then going downward Trend in employment markets for science Majors is one reason that
fear and fewer students would like to major in science the second paragraph outlines the main
reason given for not studying science that is a lack of job opportunities the problem here is the
evidence the example given next it is generally true that these days most young people want a
future where they can enjoy a good lifestyle and buy luxury goods I feel it doesn't fit perfectly
with the opening statement if you want at least a band 7 or better still a band 8 your examples
should support the ideas be real relevant and meaningful but here it switches to a talk of
good lifestyle and luxury goods and mention something about it being generally true for
most young people it doesn't necessarily explain why fewer students study science neither does
the next sentence which is just telling us that through hard work you can succeed in your studies
if they concentrate on their studies especially difficult science subjects that will not help
them to find a job after finishing their studies as readers we have to read too much between the
lines to catch any connection with our topic of course we can improve this let's rewrite these
two sentences keeping the first topic sentence as is first the ongoing downward Trend in employment
markets for science Majors is one reason why fewer and fewer students would like to major in science
in developed and developing countries these days most young people study because they
want a well-paid job in the future so they can enjoy a good lifestyle however many prefer not to
specialize in scientific areas since it's becoming increasingly difficult to find employment do you
see how this new paragraph expresses the same ideas but in a more clear and direct way it's
always a good idea to justify your ideas and examples with a simple pickles or therefore
it's very important to use these connecting words as well as reference words to make
our meaning very clear notice how many in the last sentence refers back to most young people
the band A descriptor for coherence and cohesion says that the essay manages all aspects of
cohesion well so here is the next paragraph further science technology and medical students
have to use laboratory equipment and Facilities students are supposed to conduct experiments in
labs in their second and third years and it is an important part of the education
one problem is related to shortages for example lack of Commodities which means that the cost of
laboratory materials has increased many people believe governments should make this cheaper
students are less happy about spending money on their education and some cannot afford to
pay extra well the writer has chosen to split the reasons why into two paragraphs that's no problem
but what's going on here the main point of the paragraph is possibly that increasing costs of
laboratory equipment and Facilities have been passed on to students probably by raising
tuition fees but it's not clearly stated what we have is the first example of the importance of
lab materials followed by the fact that costs are going up and the negative consequence for students
clearer to State the main idea at the beginning also apart from the further at the start there are
no really effective cohesive links to connect the rising costs with Making Science less attractive
a sequence that is not the most logical and the under use of cohesive devices will guarantee a
band 6 in coherence and cohesion solution rewrite furthermore there is the issue of rising costs of
laboratory equipment and Facilities particularly in developing countries where these Commodities
are usually imported although governments could subsidize this cost increases they are passed on
to science students through higher tuition fees students are not happy about spending more money
for their education and some cannot afford to pay it as a consequence they prefer to study subjects
like business administration and law a much more logical sequence with some good connectors
furthermore although as a consequence last in paragraph 4 we get to the impact on society
last but not least as few students major in science there might be a problem in future
for countries which have a lack of experts in related fields indeed a well-sided research
paper has shown that as fewer applicants have been seen in these majors in the last five years
fewer professionals are going to enter Society in the current decade this will lead to more unsolved
problems for societies with fewer science experts yes a point is made about a lack of
experts in related fields which will lead to a higher number of unsolved problems for societies
but I feel that there could be a more focused detailed explanation I'm not that impressed by
the mention of a well-cited research paper either not from the English point of view but from the
fact that there is no way I can check it out as an examiner what's the source it's really
much better to give examples from your country origin and why not to mention major scientific
areas that would need future professionals such as biotechnology or robotics or even computer science
notice the paragraph length as well just one fairly short paragraph of three sentences
compare that to two paragraphs to answer the first question so what can we add here as few students
major in science there might be a problem in the next few years in societies which lack experts
in major scientific Fields such as biotechnology Robotics and even computer science in my country
for example there has been a significant drop in student applications in these Majors over the
last five years as a result fewer Professionals in these areas will enter the work Market over
the next decade there will be less research and it will be difficult for the country to advance
in terms of scientific research and technological development still only three sentences but much
more tightly connected in my experience a lot of students struggle with developing the
ideas and also choosing relevant arguments and examples to support them that's why my courses
we learn how to write each paragraph in your essay sentence by sentence and answer each type of task
I'll link the courses below if you'd like to check them out now it's time to conclude the essay
as an outcome a smaller number of students have been majoring in science due to sudden increases
in tuition fees and high unemployment rates in related fields also a recently published
research paper has revealed that if fewer students major in science more under researched issues will
remain in these fields the concluding paragraph summarizes the points made but doesn't really
show how they are connected to each other the best conclusions mention the main points and how they
are connected part of what the task response band 8 cause a well-developed position in conclusion
few students have been majoring in science or into high unemployment rates and increased tuition fees
in turn this will lead to a lack of scientific experts to help stimulate technological progress
and thus economic growth in many countries short but to the point notice also the Linker
thus near the end to Signal the consequence of not having enough scientific graduates
here is our transformed Essay with the changes we've made in all four categories that could
easily turn into a band 8. knowing what to write about in each paragraph can help you write faster
and achieve a higher score it can start right now from this in-depth lesson on writing task
to introductions which comes from my writing course but I give it away as a free preview
thank you so much for watching me today good luck with your preparation and your exam bye