Of all the names we associate with Greek literature,
the most famous belonged to the great heroes;
Odysseus, known for taking 10 years to sail 500 nautical miles,
Hercules for great feat of strength, like killing his helpless family,
Achilles, for having the dumbest weakness since the aliens in Signs,
And of course, who can forget Oedipus Rex,
the poor bastard with the entirety of Freudian psychology to serve as his memorial.
And since there is nothing I like better than Freudian psychology,
today we explore Sophocles's classic tragedy, Oedipus the King.
Oedipus, king of Thebes, has had a pretty fascinating life so far.
For starters, he was abandoned as a baby,
then taken by a servant and delivered to the childless king and queen of Corinth,
who raise baby Oedipus as their own.
Unfortunately, as Oedipus grew up, he caught wind of a rumor that he wasn't precisely the king and queen's real son,
which was rather disheartening for the enterprising young prince.
In order to clear the whole mess up, he did what all Greek heroes do on their off days,
and consulted the Oracle of Delphi.
The oracle, however, didn't really tell him what he wanted to hear.
Well in fact, rather than answering his question, the oracle instead told young Oedipus
that it was his destiny to kill his own father and then marry his mother.
Now if there's one thing we've learned from Greek tragedies, it's that oracles are never wrong,
just, on occasion, misleading as hell.
So Oedipus is like "Aw, geez, no way!" and immediately runs away from Corinth
in an effort to escape his disgusting fate.
However, as WE know, the king & queen of Corinth aren't his real parents,
so really this can only go downhill from here.
Spoiler alert: that's exactly what it does.
Now, while Oedipus is on the road out from Corinth,
he runs into a procession of some sort that quite rudely shoves him out of the way.
So of course, like any sane man, he succumbs to ancient Greek road rage
and proceeds to slaughter the entire procession without ever learning their identities.
This being a time when casual murder was not only overlooked but often actively encouraged,
nobody really seems to care,
except for the single survivor, who's guaranteed not to factor into this story in any way.
Spoiler warning: he factors into the story.
So Oedipus continues his wanderings and comes to the great city of Seven-Gated Thebes
not to be confused with Hundred-Gated Thebes, one-time capitol of Egypt.
And that's not the only thing it has in common with Egypt.
In fact, the most prominent similarity that Oedipus notices
is that this Thebes also has a giant, butt-ugly sphinx in front of it.
The only difference there is that this sphinx is both alive and hungry.
So the sphinx is all like,
"None may pass my gate unless they answer my riddle."
And Oedipus is all like,
"Challenge accepted."
So the sphinx asks him her now-classic riddle:
"What walks on four legs in the morning, two at lunch, and three in the evening?"
And Oedipus, clearly a man before his time, answers with the first google search result and says,
"It's man."
The sphinx, who has up until this point, accustomed to being the brightest person in the room,
can't take the pressure of being outsmarted, and hurls herself off the nearest cliff.
It's kinda like what college freshmen at Ivy Leagues do, if the cliff were made of booze.
Anyway, the citizens of Thebes are mega-grateful to Oedipus for getting rid of their kitty problem,
and Jocasta, the queen of Thebes, offers to marry him, making him the king.
This she can do, because her previous husband, King Laius,
has unfortunately been mysteriously murdered while out of town,
along with almost his entire entourage.
Observant listeners may note that this event bears a certain resemblance to prior actions on Oedipus's part.
These observant viewers have proven themselves to be far more observant than Oedipus,
who immediately accepts the cushy kingship job and Jocasta's hand in marriage, no questions asked.
Now here's where the story starts to get interesting, and, technically, where it really begins.
So Oedipus is now the king of Thebes, which seems like it'd be great,
but he's hardly been king ten minutes before the kingdom starts collapsing around him.
His city is immediately stricken with an unspecified plague that devastates the population.
So he sends Jocasta's brother Creon to the Oracle of Delphi to find out what can be done about it.
Spoiler warning: this is neither the first nor the last time an oracle will be consulted in this play.
Anyway, when Creon gets back, he reports that the oracle has said that the sickness is being caused
by a pollution on the land, in the form of the man who murdered King Laius.
The plague will be cured when they banish whoever that happens to be.
Oedipus is all for this plan, but there's just one problem:
Nobody knows who killed the old king.
Well, except for us. Spoiler warning, by the way.
See, the citizens of Thebes would've investigated his murder, but before they could,
that pesky sphinx showed up and trapped them all in the city.
Hey, hold on...
I thought the city was called 'Seven-Gated Thebes'; why didn't they just leave through one of the other six gates?
Aw, whatever, I guess they must've not liked the old king that much.
Anyway, so Oedipus starts going all detective on this case's ass.
He is DETERMINED to bring this criminal to justice.
And again, his first order of business is consulting the hell out of an oracle.
Public Service Announcement: consulting an oracle is not good detective work, folks.
It's a good way to get really confused and murder your family members, though.
Spoiler warning.
So! Oedipus talks to this blind dude Tiresias, who's a seer/freelance oracle,
who, luckily for them, happened to be in the neighborhood.
So Oedipus is like, "Tell me who killed the old king!"
And Tiresias is like, "Uh...o-okay man...you really don't want me to tell you that."
And Oedipus is like, "What? Yes I do, that's why I asked you!"
Tiresias is like, "If you think this is a good idea, you're blinder than I am."
And Oedipus is like, "Tell me, dammit! Did Creon put you up to this?"
And Tiresias is like, "Christ, fine!"
*cue echo, clears throat*
(echoes) "The pollution on this land is you, by which I mean YOU killed the old king!"
(still echoes) "Hope you're happy!"
(normal) Oedipus, like any sane, rational ruler wouldn't do,
absolutely refuses to believe Tiresias, instead believing that Creon is trying to spread evil rumors about him
in order to steal his throne.
How did he come to that conclusion, you might ask?
*Ta-da! fanfare*
Oedipus and Creon get into a big argument about who killed the king, who's telling the truth,
what the hell is happening in general, all that good stuff.
In the end, Jocasta busts in like, "Ladies, stop fighting! You're both pretty!"
and sends them to their respective rooms.
Oedipus is like, *sniff* "This big mean oracle said I killed the king and it really hurt my feelings!"
And Jocasta's like, "Oracles? Ha! Oracles are full of crap.
Why, this one time, an oracle came to Laius's court and told him—get this—that he'd be murdered by his own son!
Well we fixed that problem up real good. As soon as the kid was born, we stapled his ankles together, and abandoned him on some mountain somewhere.
So that sure as hell never wound up happening!"
Ding ding ding! A big shout-out to all you observant viewers who are gradually putting the pieces together.
So Oedipus is like, "Yeah, it's ridiculous! I mean, it's not like I could've killed Laius anyway!
Why, the only thing I ever killed was a fancy-looking procession of people while on the road to Thebes,
and there's no way that—
Ohhhhhhhh
sh*t."
So yeah, for those in the audience who haven't already pieced this particular fuster-cluck together,
a messenger shows up out of nowhere to conveniently summarize the rest of the plot for you.
And, to add contrivance to contrivance, the messenger is accompanied also by the sole survivor of Oedipus's attack on King Laius's procession,
and he's only there because that same survivor was actually the servant who took baby Oedipus
out from the city in the first place, and delivered him to this very messenger.
What are the odds?! Who cares?! Let's watch Oedipus's life get ruined!
*harp transition music*
Many years ago, Laius and Jocasta sent a servant off with their infant son to abandon him on some barren mountain somewhere.
But the servant instead felt pity for the baby and handed him off to a messenger
—the very messenger telling the story, in fact—
who brought the child to Corinth to be raised by the king and queen like a higher-maintenance Clark Kent.
And that same child was none other than our hero, Oedipus Rex,
who, in summation, unknowingly killed his dad, and banged his mom.
*deep breath*
This news is upsetting for all involved.
Jocasta immediately kills herself, and Oedipus has a world-class freakout
that culminates in him stabbing his own eyes out and running off into the night.
And really, if we were in his situation...would any of us have done anything different?
Have fun pondering that.
*song by Tom Lehrer begins playing*