Many of the couples I deal with in my clinical setting are dealing with issues
of abandonment or feeling alone in their relationship. They may reach out to a
friend and then it ends up into being total chaos, because they either get
involved with an emotional affair or they're accused of one. At the root of
the problem is this issue of one partner feeling like they no longer love their
partner - they've fallen out of love. Today on Reaction Reset, I'm going to talk about the
whole idea of falling out of love with your partner and can you fall back in
love with them.
When you first begin feeling like you're falling out of love with your partner,
it's a scary feeling. You scramble, you try to figure it out,
you may feel guilt about it. So then the idea is you try to do something. You
plan a date night, you deny it's going on, and talk to your friends about only
the good things. You may even plan a getaway. Neither of these plans work
because if you continue to deny it or not do anything with it, it can actually
deteriorate your marriage. It can end up leading to emotional affairs, physical
affairs, or possibly even divorce. Rest assured this is a common feeling among
the couples I counsel. It's really important that you don't deny it though.
In fact, the first step to healing is to be able to own it - to come to truth that
you feel this way. Then, sit down and be able to discuss it with your partner
without blaming them, and then lastly working together to resolve it. The
good news is, yes, you can fall back in love with your partner, but you cannot do
it without a concerted invested effort and therapy. The reason these two things
are so important is because it's going to take you and your partner making
changes within your relationship so you can bring back that spark - that feeling
that 'I am committed to this person and in love with them.' And if you're in a
long-term relationship, this feeling of falling out of love can happen in cycles,
and it actually can happen frequently, so it's important that you really go
through the steps and you work through each one so you can completely resolve
it so it won't be a continual threat to your relationship. The first thing you
need to do is work on your marital communication styles that
aren't effective. These are very common in these kinds of relationships because
what happens is when you're falling out of love you naturally project that onto
your partner so you're gonna be more likely to blame your partner. When you
begin making 'I statements' - 'I feel like this' and not saying 'you make
me feel' you're owning the way you feel and that's a really good thing because
your partner no longer has to be defensive. They can actually calm down
and listen to what you're saying and hopefully take their part of it, too.
Practicing 'I statements,' practicing quiet communication, practicing limiting all
distractions like phones and TVs, and making eye to eye contact is going to
be very healing and it's going to start you back to effective healthy
communication. Second, give yourself time to work on forgiveness. Remember,
forgiveness is not so much for the other partner - it's to free you.
Forgiveness is so important because when you've put old hurts under a rug or
hidden them when they start coming out it's very painful and you may have to
relive it again. In that reliving, instead of projecting blame onto your partner
think about where you were at that time in your relationship. Step back,
get your partner's ideas of what they were thinking during that time so you
can seek to understand rather than win. Forgiveness doesn't happen overnight.
None of these problems happened overnight so give yourself time. You'll
know when it happens because you'll become more freeing within yourself.
You'll feel like a heavy weights been lifted off of you.
Make a list of what brought the two of you together in the first place.
We know, as experts in the field that study this, that when couples are able to
recall what their partner wore on the first date or what their proposal was
those couples actually have happy marriages. When's the last time the two
of you sat down and talked about old memories? What you used to do that was
fun, what did you enjoy about each other, what outfits did you like? There's no
reason you can't start doing that. Maybe you're going to go shopping together and
get some outfits that your partner likes, maybe you're gonna start reinvesting in
what made you guys laugh and have fun. It's so important that you begin
bringing back what brought you together in the first place. Now sometimes couples
are so angry, they're so resentful that they can't talk.
If you can't talk about it or make a list to share with your partner, then
go ahead and go through old photos by yourself. And as you look at the photos,
reminisce about 'oh yeah that was fun' 'oh yeah they looked great' and write those
things down. Those are going to help you be able to talk to your partner and maybe
begin a discussion of sharing. Fourthly, create and try new experiences. When
couples invest and try novel experiences, it brings back a spark. And not only that,
it recommits them, because when you do something new together you're both
novices and so nobody's competing. You don't have to be resentful. All you have
to do is go through it together. The more of these you do, the more
adventures - maybe going hiking, maybe trying something like making a beer
together, or maybe something like a painting class or going to the Arboretum -
anything you share together you'll start seeing some teamwork. After you do it for
a while, you can feed off that teamwork and start reinvesting in each other
again as your team member. It's important that you have separate identities. It's
important that you have separate hobbies you each like because that keeps you
both interested, but don't forget you have to keep nurturing newness and
growth and that happens when you try new things together. And don't forget to
prioritize your intimacy and sexuality. If you haven't had intimacy, you're no
longer emotionally connected and you're no longer physically connected. That's a
problem in a relationship. It will dry up. You need both of those things. If you've
had trouble loving each other physically, it's important that you go to the doctor.
Things like painful sex or hormonal imbalances or looking at the ceiling
tiles waiting for it to be over are symbolic that there's something with
your health. There's some reason to go to a medical doctor. Try seeing a urologist
or an ob/gyn doctor if you're a lady. Those two physicians can help you
medically. They'll give you the medication you need so you can feel a
libido again - so you actually want to have sex. If you're not emotionally
connected, the best and quickest way to do that is get reinvested with talking
together again. And when you start, it can be something as simple as going for a
walk. We do know when couples spend ten minutes a day starting out with total
one-on-one visiting with each other they actually start beginning to feel closer
intimacy. If you're going to fall back in love, you must remember this golden rule
that love is all the little things. It's being there to help your partner,
maybe with a presentation. It's something like picking up their dry-cleaning. It's
something like mailing a letter or putting a love note in their lunchbox.
When they go to work, it's something as simple as when your partner comes home,
acknowledging them. Everyone knows what it feels like when they're loved with
little things. Your partner can't read your mind,
so being courageous enough to share with your partner what you need is a sign of
trust that you're extending to them - that they will do their best to try and give
you what you ask for.
Remember, change your reaction, change your world.