I DO LIVE IN A PREDOMINANTLY LATINO NEIGHBORHOOD
AND MY FAVORITE PLACE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
HAS GOT TO BE THE MEXICAN PARTY SUPPLY STORE.
THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME.
DOESN'T MATTER WHICH ONE YOU GO TO.
YOU COULD BE IN QUEENS.
YOU COULD BE IN GUADALAJARA, SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.
IDENTICAL. SPRAY-PAINTED STORE FRONT.
THERE'S SOME ROSES, AND IT SAYS, "WEDDINGS, FLOWERS,
RACHOTA, INCOME TAX, MUFFLERS"
AND THEN IT SAYS, "NOTARY AND BOUNCY HOUSE"
SQUEEZED IN ON THE SIDE 'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T PLAN PROPERLY
FOR THE NUMBER OF BUSINESSES THEY WERE GONNA ROLL OUT
OF THAT STORE FRONT, AND THEN THEY'VE GOT PIñATAS
HANGING OUT IN FRONT OF SUPERHEROES YOU CAN'T IDENTIFY.
I THINK THAT'S (bleep) SPIDER-MAN.
I'M NOT SURE. DON'T KNOW WHY HE'S GOT A CAPE.
AND THERE'S JUST SOME BARRIO GEPPETTO IN THE BACK
MAKING THE STUFF GOING,
(Latino accent) "YEAH, THIS IS SPIDER-MAN.
"HEY, STAN LEE, MY SPIDER-MAN CAN FLY.
"RUNS OUT OF OUT WEB, IT'S NOT AN ISSUE.
SEE YOU LATER, GREEN GOBLIN." (laughs)
I WENT IN THERE,
AND I REALIZED WHAT THEY'RE DOING
JUST TO GET AROUND ALL THE LICENSING LAWS,
THEY'RE CREATING THEIR OWN CHARACTERS.
YOU CAN ASK FOR ANYTHING,
AND THEY HAVE THEIR OWN VERSION OF IT.
YOU CAN TRY IT OUT WITH ANY CHARACTER.
YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU GUYS HAVE DORA THE EXPLORER?"
(Latino accent) "WELL, WE HAVE SOMETHING VERY SIMILAR.
"WE HAVE STACEY THE SPELUNKER.
"SHE EXPLORES MOSTLY CAVES.
"SO SHE HAS A HEAD LAMP, AND SHE'S FRIENDS WITH A BAT.
(laughter)
"IT'S NOT A BACKPACK, JUST A FANNY PACK.
IT'S PRETTY SIMILAR."
"YOU GUYS HAVE A JIMMY NEUTRON BOY GENIUS?"
(Latino accent) "OH, WE HAVE SOMETHING VERY SIMILAR.
"WE HAVE CASEY THE C+ STUDENT.
"HE DOESN'T BUILD ROCKET SHIPS, BUT HE READS AT HIGH LEVELS.
YEAH. SINGLE MOM, SO..."
(laughter)
I WENT IN THERE, AND I GOT ONE OF THEIR SPONGE TOM PIñATAS,
AND I BROUGHT THAT HOME.
NOW I'M NOT SURE IF ANYONE'S RUN A PIñATA BEFORE.
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED IT?
IT WAS DIFFICULT BECAUSE YOU GOT TO GET EVERYBODY A TURN.
NOW MY WIFE IS FRIENDS WITH ALL THESE L.A. HIPPIE,
NO-SUGAR MOMS SO I HAVE THESE 3- AND 4-YEAR-OLDS
THAT HAVE NEVER SEEN SUGARED CEREAL OR CANDY BEFORE
WALKING AROUND THIS PIñATA
WITH THIS CRAZED RAPEY HILLBILLY LOOK IN THEIR EYE.
THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH, WE'RE GONNA GET US SOME OF THIS STUFF."
(maniacal chuckle)
I ALSO INVITED ALL LATINO KIDS FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO INCLUDE EVERYBODY.
NOW THIS WASN'T THEIR FIRST PIñATA.
THIS WASN'T THEIR FIRST SPONGE TOM OF THAT DAY.
THEY HAD SEEN SOME ACTION, AND THEY'RE READY
TO GET IN THERE AND MESS SOME WHITE KIDS UP.
THEY WERE ORGANIZED.
THEY WERE ALL DOING THE PRE-GAME NBA THING AT ONE POINT.
THEY'RE READY TO DO SOME DAMAGE
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT A PIñATA INSPIRES.
IT'S LIKE, HEY, KIDS,
LET'S GET YOUR FAVORITE CARTOON CHARACTER
AND LET'S LYNCH HIS ASS, AND THEN WE CAN ALL TAKE TURNS
BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF IT TILL HIS GUTS COME OUT.
WE CAN ALL SCRAMBLE FOR HIS SUGARY ENTRAILS.
WHO'S WITH ME? (imitates cheer)
SO I PUT AN 8-YEAR-OLD TO SHOW THE LITTLE GUYS HOW TO DO IT.
RIGHT AWAY, FIRST BATTER, KNOCKS SPONGE TOM'S LEG OFF,
RIGHT, AND OUT OF HIS BALL SACK SHOOTS A JOLLY RANCHER
IN SLOW MOTION.
BLUE RASPBERRY COMES FIRING OUT, ESCAPE-POD STYLE,
FREEZES IN MID-AIR.
NOW IT'S ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS WHERE TIME STOPPED,
AND YOU COULD SEE EVERYTHING.
MY WIFE IS FRIENDS WITH SOME OF THE (bleep) PEOPLE
AND THE (bleep) KIDS THAT GO ALONG WITH THEM.
WHERE THE KIDS WE HANG OUT WITH, FOR EXAMPLE,
RUBS HIS NIPPLES WHEN HE'S SCARED.
(laughter)
AND HE HAS A SEVERE UNDERBITE.
SO WE HAD TO HANG OUT WITH HIS ASS ON HALLOWEEN.
FRIGHTENED OF EVERY HOUSE WITH THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF DECORATION,
COBWEBS, SOME DRY ICE.
(wails)
SO I LOOK OVER, HE'S ON THE SIDELINE
GREASING ONE UP, READY TO GET IN THERE.
LATINO KIDS ARE BOXING OUT PERFECTLY POISED,
READY TO GO.
THEN I GOT DISTRACTED BY ONE OF THE HIPPIE MOMS
WHO WAS BREASTFEEDING A KID
THAT WAS WAY TOO OLD TO BE BREASTFEEDING.
YOU EVER SEEN THAT BEFORE? IT'S DISGUSTING.
A CHILD SHOULD NOT BE OLD ENOUGH TO COMMENT ON THE QUALITY.
DO YOU GO TO CHEESECAKE FACTORY? 'CAUSE THIS IS DELICIOUS.
IT'S LIKE DULCE DE LECHE MEETS RIESLING
COMING OUT OF THIS THING, AND I GOT TO SAY THANK YOU.
SO THE JOLLY RANCHER HITS THE FLOOR.
THE KIDS GO FILING IN THERE. THEY DISMEMBER SPONGE TOM.
CANDY GOES EVERYWHERE.
AS PREDICTED, LATINO KIDS GET ABOUT 80% OF THE CANDY.
MADRIGALS REPRESENT. WE GET ANOTHER 15%.
NIPPLE RUBBER, HIS CREW,
WHATEVER THEY CAN GET THEIR HANDS ON.
PIECE OF NEWSPAPER FROM THE INTERIOR.
THEY'RE SATISFIED WITH ANYTHING.
THAT'S WHEN MY WIFE DOES SOMETHING
I WISHED SHE HADN'T DONE,
SHE COMES IN LIKE SHE ALWAYS DOES, AND SHE GOES,
"ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, IF YOU GOT A LOT OF CANDY,
"IF YOU COULD SHARE THE CANDY
WITH THE KIDS WHO DIDN'T GET A LOT OF--"
(high-pitched whining)
AND THAT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT HOW MY WIFE SOUNDS,
THAT'S JUST HOW SHE SOUNDS TO ME.
(laughter)
"IF YOU'RE GONNA GO TO THE STORE, CAN YOU PICK UP SOME--"
(high-pitched whine)
IT'S LIKE, "JUST (bleep) WRITE IT DOWN, I GOT IT."
SO IF YOU WANNA KNOW THE END OF THE STORY,
(chuckles) THE KIDS ENDED UP DOING THE RIGHT THING.
THEY LOOKED AT THEIR CANDY,
THEY LOOKED AT THE KIDS WITHOUT ANY CANDY,
THEY LOOKED AT MY WIFE, AND THEN THEY SAID,
(laughter)
AND THEY JUMPED THE FENCE LIKE GAZELLES.