-Come out here sashay in front --
-Yeah, before we get started... -Yes?
-Can I give a shout out to Black Thought?
-I mean -- -That sparking beard,
you got that beard game.
-[ Laughs ] -Yes.
-It's making me have black thoughts.
-Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No one's having black thoughts tonight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. -I like that beard.
-Yeah. Yeah. -That's keo.
-Oh, man, I'm so happy you are here, come on.
-Did you see the gliter in his beard, I'm still on it.
-He's got a beautiful sparkly beard.
-It's sparkly. -He's got good beard game.
-Yeah. Beard game. -He does.
-Your wife take good care of you, I can tell.
-Hey, man. -Okay.
-Movin' on. -I love that you're here.
Now that I have you here though, I have to ask you something.
-What?
-Who bit Beyoncé.
[ Audience cheers ]
-Uh-uh, uh-uh.
See I'm supposed to be baby sitting
at Coachella next weekend.
You're not gonna have me messed up.
-No, c-- no you can just say it. You can say it.
No one's listening right now.
Just tell the truth. Spill the beans.
Be honest. -Be honest?
-Yeah. Beyon-nest. -Beyon-nest?
-[ Laughs ] Beyon-nyest. Beyonc-- who bit what's?
Tell me. -You know it was you.
It was you, Jimmy. -Yeah, that's right.
-I tried to protect you. -Yeah.
Well, what am I supposed to do? -I'm not finna tell.
-What am I supposed to do?
I'm at the party, having a decent time.
-Yeah. -I see JAY-Z.
I'm like, "What's up?" -You put your hand on his chest.
He's like, "Yo, what you doin', son?"
[ Laughter ]
-I'm like, "Dude, I'm just wanting to get a--" you know
I want to get some connection, some human --
-An Beyoncé like, "Get away from my man."
-And I went, "Hyah!"
[ Laughter ]
-That's not. That's not how it happened.
-No, I said, "Let me give give you a kiss."
And then we went in and I bit her face.
[ Laughter ]
-That's kind of how it happened.
-That's kind of how it went down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-I'm not snitching. -You -- I know you're not.
-I just snitched some. -Yeah. [ Coughs ]
The eyebrow game. I love that.
I w-- You look gorgeous tonight by the way.
-Thank you.
-And I was kind of hoping it's you
in that amazing white dress that you've been wear--
is it McQueen?
-It's a Alexander McQueen dress, and you will see that again.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Yes you will.
-This is my favorite.
-Yes you will.
-[ Laughs ] Here's what's the deal.
I saw you at the premier -- at the premier of "Girls Trip".
-Uh-huh.
-And then on "Saturday Night Live".
-Yes. -And then at the "Ocsars".
-Yes.
-And you look fantastic in that dress.
-Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ]
-I love it, you're like, "No, it's $4,000.
I'm not only gonna wear it once and then
I'm not gonna wear it again."
-Yeah, I've got to wear it multiple times,
'cause I got to get my money's worth
and I haven't been paid not one time that I wore the dress.
Yet. -Right.
-You know what I'm sayin'. I've been spending money evedry time.
So I need to like, get paid.
So I'm probably gonna wear it to
the MTV Movie and TV Awards when I host that.
[ Laughter ]
-Wear it. You wore it -- How come you didn't wear it tonight?
-Because I'm not getting paid. -[ Laughs ]
-But you know what I love most about that,
I wore that, like I've been wearing it repeatedly,
and the thing that I love the most
is like -- are people been reaching out to me.
Like, this one girl reached out to me
and she goes to like a private school
and she's going there on a scholarship and she's like,
"Tiffany, I only have, like, two pair of tennis shoes
and one jacket and like all these girls make fun of me
because I wear the same jacket and the same shoes all the time.
And then I saw you on "SNL" and then I saw you
at the "Oscars" and now I tell them
I'm just Tiffany Haddish-ing it.
And I'm like "That's right!"
[ Cheers ] That's right.
-Yeah. -Rock that.
And then like, all the kids are like,
"Oh, my God, do you know Tiffany? Do you know Tiffany?"
-[ Laughs ]
-So I've been following her on Instagram since she said that.
-I love that. I love that. Why not? You've -- Why not?
You should just wear it, it's fun.
I want to hear this story because you were at the "Oscars"
and you cut up -- You started a conversation with Brad Pitt.
-Mm. No. Okay. It was the pre-Oscar party.
-Mm-hmm. -Okay.
And, um, I did not -- what I was doing was
I was talking out loud in the elevator about --
-Okay, that's very interesting. That's a one-sided conversation.
-No, no I was talking to Elizabeth Perkins,
and her husband was in the elevator
and I liked the way he was looking at her.
And I was like, "I hope one day I get me a husband like that."
"I hope one day a man look at me that way, and love me that much.
Like, "I want that kind of love," right?
And then, Brad Pitt was standing right next to me
and then Elizabeth's husband was like,
"Man, I hope we don't get caught in this elevator."
And I was like, "It's gonna be
some pretty-ass babies in this elevator if we do."
[ Laughter ]
And then Brad Pitt said, and then Brad Pitt said [ Laughs ]
-Yeah, get ready. -Which I thought was a joke.
Okay, I took it as a joke, all right?
But he said, "Well, if I'm single in a year,
and you're single in a year, maybe we could get together
and see what happens?" And I was like, "Oh, my God!"
"For real?!"
Whoo!
I'ma hold you to that!
And then I did some research. -Yeah?
-And he got a gang of kids. I can't do it.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I can't do it. I want to be baby mama number one.
-Okay. -Okay?
-Uh, yeah, yeah. -But that doesn't mean
I wouldn't eat dinner with him and maybe play around.
But I want to be number one.
-Wha-- I was thinking maybe we could do tonight --
I was thinking, if you did happen to go on a date,
maybe we could just see how it goes.
Say, I'll pretend to be Brad Pitt.
-Okay. -And then you --
I'll, I'll pick you up.
And we're about to go on a date. -Okay.
-Okay?
[ Laughter ]
-[ As Brad Pitt ] Tiffany, get in.
-I'm in. -Oh, cool.
[ Laughter ]
-Buckle up. -This is a nice car.
-Let's do this. -What we doin'?
-We're gonna go out to dinner. -Are we going to, like,
one of them really fancy restaraunts,
'cause I wanna go to a place that's in the hood.
-Well, like, what hood? -Like, my hood.
-Beverly Hills? -Hell no.
I live in South Central, baby.
-We'll take you to a nice place, it'll be great.
-Okay. All right. Let's go. -Mm-hmm.
So how's Angie doin'? [ Laughter ]
-She's fantastic. She's great.
-You smell good. -You do, too.
-Thank you, I washed. [ Laughter ]
-I'ma turn around and drop you back off, you mind?
-[Bleep] you, Brad. -Oh! [ Laughs ]
-That's it? All this money on make up an hair
and this cute dress and you just gonna drop me off?
I told you you smell good.
Damn, Brad! -Oh, God.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-This is why I'm single. -Not it's -- no.