- [Desi] Some people marry for love,
some people marry for stability,
and some people never marry at all.
- Well, I'm the first bachelor to run for president
in like forever.
You know, I'm not married.
The last time I checked,
there was nothing in the Constitution or at the White House
said, "Single people need not apply."
- [Desi] Yes, how could a person marry
when he's hopelessly devoted
to the greatest love of his life:
political power.
(audience cheering) ("Wedding March")
This is The Daily Showography of Lindsey Graham,
Married to game.
(cheerful music)
Lindsey Olin Graham grew up in the tiny town
of Central, South Carolina.
His parents owned a restaurant that was also a pool hall,
that was also a bar and a liquor store,
that was also the home they lived in.
It could basically be whatever people wanted it to be.
The perfect environment for raising a politician.
At the age of nine,
Lindsey started working at the family bar.
One of his jobs?
Taking phone calls from concerned wives
looking for their drunk husbands.
It taught him a valuable lesson that it's okay to lie
if you're protecting the interests of powerful men.
Young Lindsey also saw firsthand the ugly reality
of segregation in the South
and that his parents' bar participated in it.
- When I was a kid, African-Americans would come in
and buy the beer to go.
And I remember asking my parents why was that,
and they said that's just the way it is.
- [Desi] That was another lesson.
When you see injustice anywhere at any time,
you can just say, "Whatever," and move along.
Then in his teenage years, like most boys his age,
Lindsey developed strange new urges in uncontrollable lust
for political power.
Classmates remember him saying, "I wanna be governor."
And also, "Let me out of this locker."
After becoming the first in his family to graduate college,
Graham joined the Armed Forces
where he would serve six and a half years in the Air Force
as a lawyer.
In a lot of ways, Graham charted a path similar
to American icon Tom Cruise:
bartender, lawyer, member of the Air Force,
but as a lawyer,
and all with the grace and style of a Southern vampire.
And of course, he's secretly very short.
During his time in the Air Force,
Graham fell into a love affair
with a Lufthansa flight attendant named Sylvia,
but sadly, it was not to be.
- That was probably the best time in my life.
But, you know, at the end of the day
everybody's got a story.
A lot of people have had it worse than I have,
but check it out at lindseygraham.com.
- [Desi] It's true what they say about heartbreak,
you can check it out at lindseygraham.com.
And although breakups are never easy,
it gave Graham the opportunity to rekindle his passion
with an old flame: ambition.
In 1994, Graham was elected
to the U.S. House of Representatives.
And like most relationships, his early years with Congress
were absolutely consumed with sex,
specifically the sex life of Bill Clinton.
- I'm having to judge Bill Clinton based on evidence
and much of it is about sex.
The definition of sex...
Colored by sex.
Sex, sex, sexual relations, sex, sex, sex, sexual,
sex, sex, sex.
This is not all about sex. Oral sex.
- [Desi] Lindsey Graham was horny for justice.
No adulterous president was gonna lie
and abuse their power on his watch,
at least for another few years.
The fledgling Graham made a name for himself
prosecuting the impeachment of President Clinton.
And after eight hot and heavy years in the House,
he was finally ready to settle down
for a long term commitment with the U.S. Senate.
And no wedding would be complete without the best man.
Graham and Senator John McCain were the best of friends,
united by their shared love of fiscal conservatism,
straight talk, and a desire to bomb the Middle East
back to the stone age.
- I believe those who are calling for withdrawal
have the obligation to tell us what we do in the region
when it descends into chaos,
as my friend Lindsey Graham just said.
- Well, I think Senator McCain nailed it.
- [Desi] Aw!
They went searching for WMDs, but they found their BFF.
(rocket whooshing)
With Iraq solved permanently,
Graham and his political spouse were finally ready
to co-ascend to the most powerful office in the land.
But when they were foiled by an even more radical Hussein,
Graham became despondent.
He knew that he would treat power so much better
than that cad Obama.
So he made his move.
- I'm Lindsey Graham and I'm running for president
of the United States.
(crowd cheering)
- [Desi] Yes, Lindsey Graham was single and ready to mingle
with voters!
He turned the White House into his bachelor pad.
- First thing I'm gonna do is president,
we're gonna drink more.
- [Desi] And the media was fascinated
with his roguish lifestyle.
- So, it's date, marry, or make disappear forever.
Hillary Clinton, Carly Fiorina, or Sarah Palin,
who are you marrying?
- Carly 'cause she's rich.
- [Desi] Hell yeah, player. Secure that bag.
Graham's goal was in sight.
His marriage to the game was thriving.
But if there's one man who knows how to ruin a marriage,
it's Donald Trump.
- This guy, Lindsey Graham.
You have a guy, he's one of the dumbest human beings
I've ever seen.
The guy is a nut job.
I could push him over with a little thimble. Boom.
He called me four years ago, three, four years ago
and he gave me his number and I found the card.
I wrote the number down.
I don't know if it's the right number.
Let's try it. 202
(audience laughing)
228-0292.
- [Desi] That's right, Trump hated Graham so much
he did something he never does:
give out factual information.
Graham's presidential hopes were demolished.
Watching his beloved walk away with a much richer,
more famous man, he had only one option left:
to warn the nation about the dysfunctional relationship
it was about to get itself into.
- He's a race baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot.
Donald Trump is a political car wreck.
He's a jackass.
You know how you make America great again?
Tell Donald Trump to go to hell.
I think he's a kook. I think he's crazy.
I think he's unfit for office.
- [Desi] Yes, Graham saw that Donald Trump
was as unfit for office as he was for a book club,
a dance-off, an obstacle course, tennis shorts,
or literally anything he did in his life.
Graham did everything he could to stop the wedding
between Donald Trump and America,
but if he couldn't ultimately succeed,
then goddammit, he would give up harder
than anyone had ever given up before.
- President Trump deserves the Nobel Peace Prize
and then some.
What concerns me about the American press is this endless,
endless attempt to label the guy as some kind of kook
not fit to be president.
No, I don't think he's a xenophobic,
race baiting, religious bigot.
I really, really like the president.
He's been a great commander-in-chief.
I am all in. Keep it up, Donald.
I'm sure you're watching.
If you don't like me working with President Trump
to make the world a better place, I don't give a shit.
- [Desi] Graham's political instincts had kicked in.
If staying in the game meant joining
a grifter personality cult,
well, that was just another thing he'd have in common
with Tom Cruise.
Why did Lindsey Graham align himself so tightly
with Donald Trump?
Because he's Lindsey Graham.
That's what he does.
- I know how the game's played and I don't give a damn.
- [Desi] Yes, Graham wasn't off the Trump train.
It was more like one of those tourist buses
that you can get off and then get back on
whenever it's convenient for you,
which is why the one thing we know
is that whatever the future holds
Lindsey Graham will be there
always doing the most politically expedient thing
to serve himself, always married to the game.
- Life is what it is.
You know, I can't answer all the mysteries of life,
but I feel good about Lindsey Graham.
("Wedding March") (people cheering)