our next guest is a very funny comedian who is making his first appearance with us tonight you
can also see this man at work at the comedy works in denver october 11th through the
15th good gig how about a nice big hand ladies and gentlemen for brian regan brian thanks wow
hey i appreciate that you all seem great i uh i'm in the middle of moving i'm feeling kind of weird
i i called ups you know to ask them to pick up some boxes they're they're a good service but
you have to have information ready for him before you even call him i had no idea you know i called
him up yeah i've got a 10 bucks if you come pick him up we need to know the weight and the girth
well i don't know what the weight is and i don't know what girth means
and the guy talks to me like i'm four years old well do you have a bathroom scale
yeah but if i put the box on the scale it's gonna cover up the numbers
would i take it off really quick ah zero i'm not fast enough what the hell is he talking about
and it gives me like this mr wizard formula how about if you stand on the
scale and weigh yourself get off the scale pick up the box get back on where you and
the box together and subtract your own way i'm going slow down hold on professor
i know this guy's never tried this because i tried it and you still can't see the numbers
what am i like gotta be like mr olympia you know
three pounds
then i had to just hang up in the middle of his girth for me i don't know what he was talking
about he kept telling me how easy it was the girth is actually very simple to figure out
all you do is you take the length and you double that by the smaller of the height
okay i gotta go get another call yeah i'm too stupid to talk to you
so i figured i would just call back you know and just make up some numbers
let them come out and pick them up if it's wrong i'll pay the difference right
so i call back yeah i've got uh 10 boxes no i'm another guy
yeah and they'll weigh exactly uh 22 pounds and they'll have a girth of three
three what three girth units come pick them up please i'm
begging you they're boxes you gotta know man big boxes with tape on them
and i try to get my phone turned on i'm staying at a friend's house and i call the phone company
hey uh yeah can you turn on my phone okay it's gonna be a problem i figured
ha ha how big would that's just going to be a big nightmare all righty
nothing's easy it's different than i thought though i asked them i said hey how does it
work you know do i have to wait my apartment for a couple days for the for the phone people
to come out no we do it differently now we can just flip the switch from right here oh great
can you go ahead and flip it
we're going to flip it next thursday
i don't know man
then i i go to buy a refrigerator this apartment i found had no refrigerator
so i had to go buy refrigerator i don't know what to look for i go to the appliance store
there's like 600 of them lined up you got the salesman what's this guy supposed to say about
refrigerators well you got this refrigerator right here this keeps our food cold for 600.
you got this one right here this keeps our food cold for 800.
check this out 1400 keeps our food cold
so he starts showing me all the stuff in this one and the guy showed me i'm not making this
up he showed me the egg area like i've never seen look it has an egg area right
there you know like you come back with some eggs you can take all your eggs you
can put them right there in the egg area that way you know where your eggs are at
oh i like that you know because i like eggs
and if i if i know they're in an area i don't waste half my day hunting through the fridge
then he starts showing me the butter flap look you got a butter flap
like you put your butter in there look it says butter and cursive
hey what's the girth on that baby that's it for me thank you all very much
kids let me right back