>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
EVY IS HERE TONIGHT.
THAT'S ALWAYS A GOOD SHOW.
THAT'S ALWAYS A LOT OF FUN.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE, 3450EU DARLING.
>> MY PLEASURE >> Stephen: IT'S TWO WEEKS TO
THE DAY SINCE THE ELECTION, AND I'M BEGINNING TO BREATHE EASIER.
IT'S LIKE I'VE HAD A WEIGHT ON MY CHEST.
DOCTORS SAY IT WAS 239 POUNDS, BUT IT FELT HEAVIER.
ANYWAY, I'M FEELING GOOD.
BUT DOWN IN D.C., THE PRESIDENT IS SLOWLY, AGONIZINGLY GOING
THROUGH THE FIVE STAGES OF NARCISSIST GRIEF: DENIAL,
DENIAL, DENIAL, DENIAL, DENIAL, AND DENIAL.
I KNOW THAT'S SIX, BUT RUDY IS DEMANDING A RECOUNT.
I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF MY
UNFORTUNATELY ONGOING SEGMENT: >> NA!
NA!
HEY! HEY!
I WON'T LEAVE!
>> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE."
TELL THEM WHAT THEY'VE WON!
>> Stephen: RATHER THAN FINALLY FACING REALITY, ACCORDING
TO ADVISERS, "THE PRESIDENT IS MORE DUG INTO HIS POSITION THAN
HE WAS AT THE BEGINNING."
THIS AFTERNOON WE LEARNED THIS.
>> APPARENTLY, THE PRESIDENT IS CONSIDERING CANCELLING HIS TRIP
TO MAR-A-LAGO.
>> Stephen: WELL, HISTORY IS FAMOUSLY KIND TO AUTOCRATS WHO
LOSE AND THEN RETREAT UNDERGROUND.
WHILE THE COMMANDER IN DOOF VOWS TO FIGHT ON, REPORTEDLY, "ALL OF
HIS PEOPLE ARE DESPONDENT."
WELCOME TO THE CLUB.
I DON'T BLAME THEM.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT'S GOING TO BE FOR THEM TO GET
A JOB?
OR A SPITLESS BURGER?
SO FAR, THE CAMPAIGN'S LEGAL CHALLENGES ARE NOT GOING WELL.
SINCE FRIDAY, CASES CHALLENGING THE ELECTION RESULTS HAVE BEEN
DROPPED IN ARIZONA, MICHIGAN, GEORGIA, WISCONSIN, AND
PENNSYLVANIA.
TO BE CLEAR, DROPPED.
THOSE ARE WITHDRAWN CASES.
THEY DIDN'T EVEN LOSE THEM.
THEY PRE-LOST THEM.
IT'S LIKE COMING IN LAST IN THE INDY 500 BECAUSE YOU DECIDED NOT
TO BUY A CAR.
( LAUGHTER )
WAS FRUSTRATED THAT HIS CAMPAIGN LAWYERS WERE NOT APPEARING MORE
FREQUENTLY ON TELEVISION.
HE WANTS HIS CLAIMS OF ELECTION FRAUD TAKEN ALL THE WAY TO THE
HIGHEST COURT IN THE LAND: "HOT BENCH!"
TO RECTIFY THIS SITUATION, THE PRESIDENT HAS NAMED RUDY
GIULIANI TO HEAD THE LEGAL TEAM.
AS ONE CAMPAIGN OFFICIAL NOTED, "IT'S REALLY MORE OF A
PUBLIC-RELATIONS FIGHT NOW THAN A LEGAL ONE."
RUDY'S PERFECT FOR THIS JOB, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
PUBLIC RELATIONS, BUT HE'S AN OLD HAND AT PUBIC RELATIONS.
( LAUGHING ) RUDY'S ALREADY GETTING ALL
LEGAL.
IN FACT, TODAY HE APPEARED IN "THE CAMPAIGN'S FEDERAL CASE IN
PENNSYLVANIA."
OF COURSE, HE WASN'T THERE ALONE.
HE WAS ACCOMPANIED BY HIS LAW PARTNERS, ERNEST AND JULIO
GALLO.
THINGS HAVE GOTTEN CONTENTIOUS BEHIND THE SCENES.
AFTER THE CAMPAIGN DROPPED A LAWSUIT IN ARIZONA, ON
SPEAKERPHONE, RUDY CALLED THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN LAWYERS LIARS FOR
TELLING THE PRESIDENT HIS ODDS OF CHANGING THE OUTCOME OF THE
ELECTION WERE SLIM.
IN RESPONSE, ONE CAMPAIGN OFFICIAL CALLED RUDY A-- QUOTE--
"(BLEEP) ASS (BLEEP)."
AND THE WINNER FOR NICEST THING EVER SAID ABOUT RUDY GIULIANI
IS...
IT'S THAT.
( LAUGHING ) TURNS OUT, RUDY HAS TRIED TO
WRESTLE POWER AWAY FROM THE CURRENT LONGSTANDING CAMPAIGN
LEADERSHIP IN AN INTERNAL CAMPAIGN COUP.
WAIT, THEY ARE ATTEMPTING A COUP INSIDE THEIR COUP?
THAT IS COUP-COUP!
THAT JOKE SENT TO US BY LITTLE RICHIE DAHM, AGE EIGHT.
THANK YOU, RICHIE.
YOU'LL BE GETTING A COPY OF OUR HOME GAME.
( LAUGHTER )
ASKING THE PRESIDENT'S CAMPAIGN TO COUGH UP $20,000 A DAY FOR
HIS LEGAL WORK.
BUT IT'S WORTH EVERY PENNY FOR EXPERT LEGAL ARGUMENTATION LIKE
THIS: >> AND THEN YOU START DOING
BALLOTS LIKE THIS-- DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH.
>> Stephen: DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH.
THAT'S EITHER HIM COUNTING BALLOTS OR TRYING TO COLD START
HIS HAND-CRANK PACEMAKER.
WITH THEIR LEGAL CASES FLOUNDERING, SOME REPUBLICANS
ARE ENCOURAGING OTHER CLEARLY UNDEMOCRATIC MEANS TO KEEP THE
PRESIDENT IN OFFICE, LIKE SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND SURGEON
TRYING TO REMEMBER WHICH PATIENT HE LEFT THAT SCALPEL IN,
LINDSEY GRAHAM.
TURNS OUT, GEORGIA'S SECRETARY OF STATE BRAD RAFFENSPERGER SAYS
GRAHAM AND OTHER REPUBLICANS HAVE PRESSURED HIM TO TOSS LEGAL
BALLOTS.
WELL, THEY FINALLY FOUND SOME VOTER FRAUD!
AND IT'S ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK: IN THE MIRROR.
ACCORDING TO RAFFENSPERGER, SENATOR GRAHAM WAS CONCERNED
THAT HE WASN'T DISQUALIFYING ENOUGH OF GEORGIA'S MAIL-IN
BALLOTS BASED ON SIGNATURES THAT DON'T MATCH THE REGISTRATION, SO
GRAHAM HAD A SUGGESTION: >> SENATOR GRAHAM IMPLIED FOR US
TO AUDIT THE ENVELOPES AND THEN THROW OUT THE BALLOTS FOR
COUNTIES WHO HAD THE HIGHEST FREQUENCY ERROR OF SIGNATURES.
>> Stephen: SO, BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE HAVE SLOPPY SIGNATURES,
LINDSEY GRAHAM WANTS TO THROW OUT ALL OF THE VOTES FROM WHOLE
COUNTIES. THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "WELL, THIS DOOR HINGE IS
SQUEAKY, TH SIMPLEST THING IS TO JUST BURN THE HOUSE DOWN.
GRAHAM DENIED MAKING ANY UNCOMFORTABLE DEMANDS OF THE
SECRETARY.
>> I THINK THAT'S JUST RIDICULOUS.
IF HE FEELS THREATENED BY THAT CONVERSATION, HE'S GOT A
PROBLEM.
I ACTUALLY THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD CONVERSATION.
>> Stephen: IN OTHER WORDS, IT WAS:
>> AN ABSOLUTELY PERFECT PHONE CALL.
>> Stephen: BUT IT'S NOT JUST GRAHAM.
RAFFENSPERGER ALSO SAID HE AND HIS WIFE, TRICIA, HAVE RECEIVED
DEATH THREATS IN RECENT DAYS.
OBVIOUSLY, THAT IS SAD AND HORRIFYING, BUT ACCORDING TO
RAFFENSPERGER, "IT'S ALSO VERY DISILLUSIONING, PARTICULARLY
WHEN IT COMES FROM PEOPLE ON MY SIDE OF THE AISLE."
YEAH, YOU EXPECT THREATS FROM THE OTHER SIDE, BUT IT HURTS SO
MUCH MORE WHEN IT COMES FROM THE HEAVILY-ARMED YAHOOS WHOSE
UNLIMITED GUN RIGHTS YOU'VE BEEN PROTECTING YOUR ENTIRE CAREER.
RAFFENSPERGER ACTUALLY SAVED HIS HARSHEST LANGUAGE FOR GEORGIA
REPRESENTATIVE DOUGLAS A.
COLLINS, WHO IS LEADING THE PRESIDENT'S EFFORTS IN GEORGIA
AND WHO RAFFENSPERGER HAS CALLED A "LIAR" AND A "CHARLATAN."
OOH, A CHARLATAN!
WATCH OUT, COLLINS!
SOON HE'LL CALL YOU A SCALLAWAG, A MOUNTEBANK, A CHISLER, A
LILYWHACKER, A RAPSCALLION, A GRUMBLETONIAN, A FLIMFLAMMER,
AND A SHIBAROON.
THEY'RE ALL IN HIS NEW BOOK: "50 POLITE WAYS TO CALL DOUG
COLLINS A DICK."
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S A BESTSELLER.
BUT SOME REPUBLICANS ARE STARTING TO FACE FACTS, LIKE
FLORIDA SENATOR AND VICE PRINCIPAL HOPING SOMEONE WILL
SHOW UP FOR ZOOM OFFICE HOURS, MARCO RUBIO.
RUBIO WAS ASKED ABOUT BIDEN'S POTENTIAL CHOICE FOR NATIONAL
INTELLIGENCE DIRECTOR, AND HE SAID THIS:
>> WELL, THAT WILL BE THE PRESIDENT-ELECT'S DECISION,
OBVIOUSLY.
>> YOU JUST SAID PRESIDENT-ELECT.
ARE YOU SAYING BIDEN IS THE PRESIDENT-ELECT NOW?
>> WELL, ULTIMATELY, THAT'S WHAT THE RESULTS, THE PRELIMINARY
RESULTS SEEM TO INDICATE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS SOME WEAK ACCEPTANCE OF THE INEVITABLE.
I'D HATE TO SEE THE G.O.P.
VERSION OF "ANNIE."
♪ THE SUN'LL COME OUT TOMORROW
♪ ULTIMATELY THE PRELIMINARY RESULTS SEEM TO INDICATE
♪ THERE'LL BE SUN JUST THINKIN' ABOUT,
TOMORROW ♪ THE MOON HAS THE LEGAL RIGHT
TOMORROW ♪ THE MOON HAS THE LEGAL RIGHT TO
PURSUE LEGAL CHALLENGES ♪ 'TIL ITS DONE
♪ IT'S A HARD FRAUD CASE TO BACK
♪ BUT WE GOTTA SMOOCH HIS CRACK ♪
( LAUGHTER )
HIGHER KEY THAN I'M COMFORTABLE WITH.
RUBIO-- YOU FELT THE EMOTION.
RUBIO ISN'T THE ONLY G.O.P.
OFFICIAL TAKING A BABY STEP TOWARD REALITY.
SO IS IDAHO SENATOR AND LATEST PUPPET CREATION FROM THE MIND OF
JEFF DUNHAM, JAMES RISCH.
RISCH ADMITTED TO REPORTERS THAT BIDEN WON, ADDING, "THIS IS MY
SECOND TRANSITION WHERE WE MOVE FROM ONE POLITICAL PARTY TO
ANOTHER IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
IT IS A CHANGE IN THE MUSIC THAT IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.
WE GO FROM HEAVY METAL TO CLASSICAL MUSIC IN ONE FELL
SWOOP."
YES, GOOD-BYE TO THE PRESIDENT'S HEAVY METAL.
THE LAST SONG ON HIS SET LIST?
"ENTER BLANDMAN."
♪ ♪ ♪ WOOO-OOO!
YESTERDAY, A REPORTER ASKED JOE BIDEN ABOUT THE REAL-WORLD COST
OF THE PRESIDENT'S OBSTRUCTION, AND THE TRANSITION, AND THE
PRESIDENT-ELECT DID NOT MINCE WORDS:
>> WHAT DO YOU SEE AS THE BIGGEST THREAT TO YOUR
TRANSITION RIGHT NOW, GIVEN PRESIDENT TRUMP'S UNPRECEDENTED
ATTEMPT TO OBSTRUCT AND DELAY A SMOOTH TRANSFER OF POWER?
>> MORE PEOPLE MAY DIE IF WE DON'T COORDINATE.
>> Stephen: WE'RE DOOMED!
I MEAN, IS THIS A MAN WHO LOOKS COORDINATED?
BUT BIDEN WAS OPTIMISTIC: >> WE'RE MOVING ALONG KNOWING
WHAT THE OUTCOME WILL BE.
I FIND THIS MORE EMBARRASSING FOR THE COUNTRY THAN
DEBILITATING FOR MY ABILITY TO GET STARTED.
>> Stephen: OH, WE'RE WAY PAST EMBARRASSMENT, JOE.
AFTER A FULL TERM OF THIS PRESIDENT, WE COULD GET OUR
PERIOD IN GYM CLASS, ACCIDENTALLY CALL THE TEACHER
"MOM," TRIP IN THE HALLWAY IN FRONT OF OUR CRUSH, AND STILL BE
LIKE, "YEAH, BETTER THAN THE LAST FOUR YEARS."
LET'S MOVE ON TO PERHAPS THE BIGGEST NEWS OF THE DAY: THE
ROCKEFELLER CENTER CHRISTMAS TREE HAS ARRIVED IN NEW YORK
CITY!
OKAY, IT'S COOL, NBC.
YOU GUYS HAVE YOUR OWN NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED HOLIDAY
ICON.
MEANWHILE, NOBODY EVER TALKS ABOUT THE TIMES SQUARE CBS
CORNUCOPIA, EVEN THOUGH IT IS OVERFLOWING WITH FESTIVE
"60 MINUTES" CORRESPONDENTS!
HOWEVER, ONE CITY'S CHRISTMAS DECORATION DID NOT GO OFF
EXACTLY AS PLANNED, BECAUSE THE CHRISTMAS TREE IN CINCINNATI
WENT VIRAL FOR EMBODYING HOW WE FEEL IN 2020.
UH, OKAY, BUT I'M NOT SURE I BUY THAT.
CHRISTMAS TREES ARE CHEERFUL AND HAPPY!
HOW COULD THAT POSSIBLY EMBODY HOW EVERYONE IS-- YEAH, OKAY.
YEAH, THAT'S ME.
THAT'S GOT THE FEELS.
THAT TREE LOOKS LIKE IT JUST WENT ON ITS LAST MARCH INTO
ISENGARD.
SO WHY DOES SAD TREE LOOK SAD?
WELL, OFFICIALS SAY MANY OF THE BRANCHES ARE STILL TIED WITH
TWINE.
OH, YEAH, IT'S THE TWINE.
CAN I START USING THAT EXCUSE, TOO?
I KNOW IT MAY LOOK LIKE I HAVEN'T EXERCISED SINCE MARCH,
BUT THAT'S JUST THE TWINE.
YOU UN-TWINE ME, AND I'M HARDER THAN A HEMSWORTH.
RIGHT, HONEY?
>> OH, ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY, THANK YOU.
AFTER THAT INITIAL PICTURE WENT VIRAL, CINCINNATI OFFICIALS KEPT
WORKING ON THE TREE AND RELEASED THIS AFTER-PHOTO:
AWWWW!
THAT SPRUCE GOT ALL SPRUCED UP!
SO IT STARTED OUT INCREDIBLY SAD AND PITIFUL, BUT SOMEHOW IN
EARLY NOVEMBER, IT TURNED THINGS AROUND AND RESTORED PEOPLE'S
HOPE?
THIS TREE REALLY DOES EMBODY 2020, ESPECIALLY IN JANUARY,
WHEN WE GET TO THROW THE WHOLE THING IN A WOODCHIPPER.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
FORMULA ONE CHAMPION LEWIS HAMILTON IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US.
♪ ♪ ♪