- So, some of our DMs leaked.
They're definitely ours,
they weren't written, for us.
And these are not, surprises.
- We have no choice, but to stand by our DMs.
- Shayne, I wrote a lot of yours, are you sure?
(group laughing)
- To Mr. Clean, funny that your name is Mr. Clean,
because when you're on my mind, it's so dirty!
(Jackie laughing)
(group laughing)
Okay, so I have had a crush on Mr. Clean,
since that Superbowl commercial,
when they like, reanimated him.
- He's thick.
- Yeah, it's got that little booty that shakes.
Yeah, he could get it.
(fast forward squeak)
(Shayne laughing)
- Oh (beep).
(Jackie laughing)
To Barack Obama, does Joe Bioden is nice?
(group laughing)
Yeah, I remember writing that one.
- Yeah?
- What's up Shayne?
- To White Claw, howmny cans to drink
until I find the middle of the tootsie pop?
- Wow.
- So, I was intoxicated when I wrote this.
- What?
(group laughing)
- To the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals,
love your vibe, but we're not doing anything
for those little white dogs with crusty eyes, are we?
Simply not needed.
(group laughing)
- Dude, dude, those--
- I feel like that one's real.
- First of all, love those, not for me,
they're great for other people.
(group laughing)
They're, every family that you visit has one of those
and their name is like Betty, Barbara or Dolly.
Leave in the comments right now,
if you know a crusty ass white dog named Betty, Barbara,
or Dolly.
- I feel that there's some like crusty white women
that are upset right now.
To Euphoria Casting Directors,
I likely sparkles and would likely to kissy boys and girls,
may I please audish?
- Mm-hm.
- Did you get the audition?
- I have not received it yet.
(group laughing)
- To Pete Davidson, everyone would be so laughing
if we dated hahaha, but think about it though Pete Davidson.
- Yeah, did he respond?
(Shayne gasping)
- No, not Kim K enough.
- He looks like you need a little bit of iron.
- Mm.
- Little bit, he needs some broccoli.
- This one's to Julie Andrews,
I bet I could kick your ass.
- Whoa!
- Damn, you're violent, you drink a lot.
- Beatin' the (beep) out of Mary Poppins.
- This is who I am.
- [Jackie] Yeah.
- To Skittles, help balls stuck in VHS player.
Skittles, on so many levels,
we were the wrong people to reach out to.
(group laughing)
- Why do you have your balls in the VHS player?
- You can only get the original Frankenweenie on VHS, right?
- You gotta put your balls in it, to complete it.
Well, 'cause Frankenweenie doesn't have balls.
You gotta complete the package.
- Look, y'all are, okay.
To Fruit by the Foot, where's the meat version,
gimme four feet of slurpable lamb.
- Oh!
- I have been wondering this myself,
thank you for speaking the truth, Jackie.
- I, gotta get my protein somehow.
- I think it's extremely (beep) up.
(group laughing)
To Yankee Candle,
I have an idea for a new candle scent.
It's a working title, but I call it Sex Musk,
basically you light the candle
and all your friends will think,
"wow, it smells like Shayne just had some sex in a here,
what a cool guy"!
This way you can appear cool in front of your friends
while staying pure in the eyes of the Lord, DM me.
(group laughing)
- Ugh.
- You know it's important for people
to think that you're having sex,
but not to ever actually have sex.
That's my motto.
(people laughing)
And I think I fooled everyone.
- All right, I wrote this one to, Skechers.
Sorry I took a (beep) in the display case.
- Wow.
(Jackie chuckling)
Sketchers replied, it okay, they done say it.
You know that thing, when like certain places
just like elicit that like immediate like,
oh, I have to (beep) now.
You know?
- Oh, like Barnes & Noble.
- Yeah, like Barnes & Noble, libraries.
- It actually does,
it's scientifically proven
that as soon as you walk into a Barnes & Noble,
you have to take a (beep).
- Yeah.
- To Twitch, let me back on your platform,
I promise not to show hole again.
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah, it was crazy.
'Cause when I was streaming
on twitch.tv/DamienHaas the other day.
- Wow!
Damien, I heard you showed your butt hole.
(group laughing)
To Sega, no reason Knuckles needs to be that fine.
(group laughing)
- Yeah.
- Well, Jackie, it's nice to know how you really feel.
- Look, I'm just being honest.
- To Queen Elizabeth, now that you're single,
you should know that I'm six foot two, ah!
(group chuckling)
- You wanna make it clear.
- To her, I might seem that way.
She's like 95 years old, she's like four feet tall, right?
(group laughing)
- You had to shoot your shot though.
- Yeah, you know, I'd become a prince, right?
Or what would I become?
I would just be nothing, I would just be Shayne.
- You'd be England's daddy.
- You'd be the less--
- England's, zaddy! (group laughing)
- So this is a DM to Tony Hawk, I said,
Hey, what's your brother Mike up to?
- Nice!
(Jackie laughing)
- Wow, that's a good one!
- It's a good one, yeah.
- Say it, say the name.
- Mm, mm, Mike Hawk.
(group laughing)
- (beep) owned.
- To Only Fans, let me back on your platform.
I promise not to talk about Hades II again.
- Seems like you got a little mix up there.
- I can't talk about Hades, Supergiant Game's,
amazing, rogue light game, on only fans.
I sure as hell can play it on twitch.tv.
- I'm mad. (group laughing)
- Actually, if you wanted to be a special guest
and talk about how mad you are, Tuesdays, Thursdays,
and Sundays.
- Not comin'.
(group laughing)
To Fergie, I can really relate to the struggles
of you pissing yourself on stage.
I pee every time I'm performing.
In fact, I'm peeing right now, reading this DM for Smosh.
You can't tell because I have a complex system of diapers,
tubes and chutes.
- Mm-hm.
- I try to recycle as much as possible.
My mother always said "waste not, want not",
and so I applied that mantra to my pee, you see.
- Oh a little bit of a, Dr. Suess spin there, at the end.
- You know, when you think about it,
we all pass through a complex system of tubes.
- That's true, our intestines.
(group laughing)
- You should go to a doctor!
(group laughing)
- To Google, okay Siri, how to S my own D.
- [Kimmy] Mm.
(group laughing)
- How to soften my own depression.
(group laughing)
- How to start my own dusiness.
(group laughing)
- Wowie, that was a lot to really put out into the open
and air out all our dirty laundry.
We hope you can still support us,
after knowing about these dark sides of us.
- It's out of control and we're gonna try to stop it,
but it's probably not going to happen.
- We don't know who keeps, leaking, these,
but I think someone on our team might be responsible
for the, leaks.
- Mm-hm, Garret.
- Noah.
(group laughing)