(upbeat music)
- So this is a video to all the ladies.
I'm looking for a girlfriend.
I just wanted to tell you, I have a six inch penis
(laughing)
it doesn't really matter though
because you're probably not high enough to get it up.
I'm bipolar and schizophrenic
and I live with my parents.
I have no job.
My sole motivation in life to get a job is to smoke weed.
If you date me and we lived together for quite some time,
By the time we're 30 or 50, or 40 or 50,
my uncles should die off,
we should get like a million dollars.
So yeah.
Anybody who thinks I'm hot, hit me out.
(upbeat music)
- What?
- Oh, it's Chris.
- Hey, welcome to the bachelor mansion.
(door squeaks)
Kinda sucks.
- Yeah?
- Nice hair.
- Yeah. You too.
- Thanks, man.
What was the response from people after they saw that video?
- Some people were just like, Oh man, you rock, you know?
And other people were like, you need to get a job.
- Did women reply to the video?
- Yeah, there is actually a, this amateur porn star.
She's like, 'Hey, you should come visit me.'
- Did you go?
- Ah, no, I actually had some money to do it
and I kinda smoked a bunch of weed.
- What would be your ideal woman?
- Okay.
She's gotta have like black hair, straight black hair,
blue to gray eyes.
Pale skin, about a C cup.
- How much does she weigh?
- Anywhere from like 110 to like 135 at the most.
- At the most.
Okay.
- I have known chicks that looked damn sexy at 135.
- But not many.
- Right.
- Is your penis six inches or is it five and three quarters?
- A little over six inches. - Over six inches?
You undersold it.
- Well-
- Give the girls a little quarter inch to take home with.
- A little surprise, a little surprise.
- That's nice, that is nice of you.
What was the disorder that you mentioned on there?
Bipolar and-
- And schizophrenia.
- Schizophrenia-
- Which is actually-
- Is it self diagnosed or are you really?
- I'm, I'm very diagnosed.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
What would be your perfect date?
- Go to a movie, go to dinner,
and then sit around all night and get stoned
and have great sex.
- Sign me up.
(laughing)
I've set you up on a few dates,
but before that I want my team of Hollywood stylists
to come in and give you a full makeover.
Oh my Chris, we have our work cut out for us.
(upbeat music)
That is perfect.
Great job ladies.
- Are you nervous?
- Ah, a little.
- Well, we have four dates set up for ya,
I hope you can find your girlfriend.
You ready to meet them?
- Yes.
- All right.
Let me introduce you to Meghan,
Lisa,
Katie,
Molly.
Isn't she graceful? Well I hope you have fun on your dates.
Don't get too excited.
I'm going to be there to chaperone all of them.
- A'ight.
(violin playing)
- Hey.
- Hey, how're you doing?
- How are you?
He was so creepy.
That's a nice shirt.
Where did you get it?
(violin screeching)
(laughing)
- Stack like a menu.
Wasn't really into her.
Ah, what is your cup size?
- He was very inappropriate.
- I didn't hear a word she said,
I was freaking staring at her candle the whole time.
(laughing)
- Did you guys do a background check on this guy?
(guitar strumming)
- So how was your day to day?
- Oh, it was good, thank you.
- Ask her how much money she makes.
- How much money to you make?
- That's not important, is it?
- I think she's good to go.
- When you (beep) how many (beep) do you use?
- I think I'm on the wrong show.
(laughing)
- You on Hell date.
(accordion playing)
Hell date.
- You look beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.
- She is way into me and seemed kinda desperate.
Are you a fan of anal sex?
(laughing)
(whistle blows)
- Would I go on a second date with Chris?
No.
(laughing)
- Yeah, I'm definitely attracted to him.
He totally has the look I like,
little fuzz here, tight, tight ponytail.
- Good thing about her is she didn't talk much.
(laughing)
- Dude, I think I'm dying.
For real.
You guys are meant for each other.
- Okay Chris, you had four dates.
Three of them were painfully awkward to be honest
but the world wants to know,
have you found your new girlfriend?
- Yes I have.
- Can I eliminate myself?
- Ladies, something you might be interested to know
when you're 30 or 50-
- Or 40 or 50, my uncle should die off.
We should get like a million dollars.
- He will be receiving $1 million.
- When a man has money, it definitely changes things.
- Take it away, Chris.
- I'm super attracted to him.
- Black hair, straight black hair,
blue to gray eyes, pale skin.
Molly.
You can go home.
It had been like banging my ugly sister.
This is where the decision became very tough.
But I think I'm going to go
with the one that I've seen mostly naked.
Holly.
- I think it's Lisa.
- Whatever, the blonde.
- Oh, you guys are going to have such creepy kids.
Get out of here.
Take her to Poundtown.
(clapping)
- In case you were wondering how they're doing.
I don't want to alarm anybody, but she is dead.
There are currently no suspects
but Chris is definitely a person of interest.
(upbeat music)
- This is the Armani Kiss.
(low pitch hum)
- She uses his weiner as a tiny little tuning fork.
That's the warning sign and lets their kids know daddy's
about to bury his rainbow roll into mommy's yellow tail.
(laughing)
It's how I greet my staff every morning.
Lets them know I still care
without crossing any lines.
- Morning guys.
- Morning Daniel.
(low pitch hum)
- (indistinct)
There's no harmonic quife.
Some people just don't know how to behave in the workplace.
(upbeat music)
(jaz music)
- Joanna is just going to relax her lips.
And she's just going to receive my kiss.
(laughing)
And she's feeling all of my energy that we talked
about in the touch exercise
and the sensation of the softness of my lips against hers.
How was that?
- Beautiful.
- You can use your lips to kiss.
You can use one lip to kiss.
You can use your tongue to kiss
and you can do all of this just on the outer lips.
Before we even go inside.
- One of the other things that you can do
when you're kissing is using your breath
and so there's a blowing that can happen
and you can actually even nibble too.
(laughing)
- And that's how it's done.
(upbeat music)
- Thank you guys for being here.
How about a little sugar?
Okay. I need you guys to get off.
My legs are falling asleep, okay?
- All right.
- Okay. Thank you.
- What is date camp?
- Date camp sorta like band camp for adults.
Single adults.
- Just meaning, not married?
- Not in a relationship.
So people show up completely alone
and you just pair them up with somebody?
- They get to pair themselves.
- How do you make the move to make the first kiss?
Because there's nothing more embarrassing
than going in and the other person does not want to receive.
- So if I move towards her a little bit, is she moving back?
Is she staying there?
Or is she coming to meet me a little bit?
- But if she's going back,
maybe she wants you to lie on top of her?
- Not likely for a first kiss.
- Okay. - If I want you to come in,
I'm at a minimum going to stay right where I'm at.
- So basically if you don't run away, I'm-
green light.
- If I move back even a fraction,
and this is the first kiss, stop.
- So much to remember.
- It's tough to be a man, isn't it?
- Well, it is.
There's so much pressure.
All you have to do is not move back.
- Well we could do the same thing.
Let's say she wants to kiss me.
- So she, so she-
- Although I'm never gonna make the first kiss-
- So she moves in a little.
I can, I can-
- Oh, that's, that's a mistake.
You should.
It's very, very empowering to be a whore.
(laughing)
Is there such thing as too much tongue?
- I enjoy tongue, and it can be too much.
It's not about shoving it in.
- Sure.
Now in your original video,
you guys kept your eyes open every time you were making out.
Now, to me, that is just creepy.
- This is where it goes from just sex
to like your whole body experience.
- Ah, do you guys work with gay couples?
- I work with gay and lesbian couples
and it's not my personal experience, so it's not as easy.
I haven't actually walked the path.
- Don't you think
you should walk that path for a little bit?
(laughing)
Huh? Wouldn't it be fun to watch her walk that path?
(indistinct)
Oh man, that would be nice.
Do you do that tantric sex stuff?
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
- Does that get boring after a while?
- Oh my God, no.
- Don't you have things to do during the day?
- Oh, there's plenty of time for good sex.
- What's the least amount of sex
a healthy relationship can have?
- I would say a couple of times a week.
- I think once, I think once a week is fine. No?
- I disagree. No.
- How often do you jog?
- Oh, probably once every three weeks.
- See?
- I jog six times a week.
- Okay, well there in lies the problem.
- But you're not having sex for exercise.
- To me it's still, it's still the same chore.
I just want to get to it.
- So your not a guy that likes to make women happy?
- I like to make them happy one time, and as quick as I can.
Here's the thing,
a good orgasm or a bad orgasm feel about the same.
So to me it's like, let's just get this over with.
- It's not all about the sex and the intimacy
but it's all about the sex and the intimacy.
Like how good we are.
Is all about the intimacy and the sex that we share.
- I don't understand that at all.
But you did say it three times.
- You're right, I know.
- Golden showers, is that something you guys
ever talk about in your classes?
- No.
- No?
Okay, that's good.
There's that line.
Do you guys feel the energy right now?
- Actually, you and I got a good energy going.
- I don't, I don't disagree with that.
- As do we.
- I don't deny that either.
(laughing)
Right you guys were wonderful
but I think it's time for you to try my kiss bootcamp.
- Really? - It's a little more intense.
- All right.
- All right, kids, I hope you were taking notes.
Don't tell your parents.
Who wants to give Uncle Daniel a kiss?
- Ew.
- [Army Male] Attention.
Welcome to the Fort Daniel Kiss Academy
where the only base we care about on this base
is first base.
Do I make myself clear?
- Yes (indistinct) Sergeant Dan.
- Oh, you think you're good at kissing?
Do you?
I was kissing hookers in 'Nam
before your daddy shot you out of his chef.
Well, if it isn't Sanford and Son?
You better wipe that smile off your face
before I kiss it off.
Yeah, Private Teagan, Private Sarah.
So nice of you to join us.
Lucky, for you two ladies we have a do ask,
do tell policy around here.
(wolf whistling)
That was pretty hot.
Let's get to work.
Tie the cherry stem in a knot, please.
- Done.
- That was impressive.
58, 59, smooch like you mean it, Maggot.
Kiss my boots, private.
- These are privates, these are lips.
These are the screw, and this is the kiss.
- Your pants are awfully high Private.
(upbeat music)
- I just think it's time that we take this relationship
to the next level.
So Alexa, will you-
(laughing)
You make me-
this is hard.
- I know, you know what the answer is though.
- Okay, wait help me out then.
- Okay.
Alexa, will you marry me-
- Have butt sex with me?
- What?
- This is about anal?
- Yeah.
- You've like candles.
- Yeah, I thought it would loosen you up.
- Loosen, loosen me up?
- To the idea.
I can tell that you're not really into this.
I mean, should I even read the poem?
- The answer is no.
- To the poem?
- To everything.
- I think this can benefit the both of us.
These are Butt Box.
Okay.
You can cash them in
and get me to do something nice for you.
Whatever you want.
- You're using my ass as currency.
- Well, it's more of a rewards based system.
- But you loved me.
- I do love you, okay.
This is a special moment that we can share, together,
for like 70 Butt Box.
- The problem with Butt Box is they're easy to counterfeit.
Yeah.
I've been burned more times than I care to admit.
I need to get one of those Butt Butt markers.
(upbeat music)
- [Jennifer] Look what's on our door.
Princess.
Open it, open it.
Quick.
Look at, look at this.
- [Male Voice] The princess wants to sleep here.
(door opens)
- [Jennifer] Roses?
- Here's why you never marry the baby voice girl.
- [Jennifer] Aww, princess.
Princess Jennifer Ross.
- Okay, first of all, you're not a princess, Jennifer.
Princess' vacation on yachts in the Mediterranean,
not at amusement parks in Anaheim.
- [Jennifer] Look at my flowers.
Why did he not put any water in them?
- My guess is the poor pussy whipped bastard
that's married to you
wants them to die just like this relationship.
- [Jennifer] Holy schmoly.
I get a sash?
Look at my fantastically fantastic princess sash.
- [Male Voice] Spectacular, spectacular.
- Well, yeah.
I never know how to put a sash on.
I'm not a beauty queen.
Did I do it right?
- [Male Voice] Looks right.
- Ah ha.
- Ah ha, now give that to your husband
so he can hang himself with it.
(laughing)
- Oh, and here's my scepter.
It's sparkly.
- The only way this is worth it,
is if that scepter ends up in her butt later.
(laughing)
- (indistinct) Wow.
That's a crown.
Holy moly.
It came on a pillow and everything.
- Good Lord.
This bitch better have cancer.
(laughing)
Personally, I don't treat my girlfriend like a princess.
I treat her like a queen.
Not just on her birthday, every day.
- Hey, I can't find my phone.
Will you call it real quick?
- This is madness.
I swear by the sword of dragon
that the Queen's name shall never be spoken
in my kingdom again.
Guard.
- Fine.
I'm getting Thai food for dinner.
- How can you speak with such disdain?
Yet you beg for mercy.
Winter is coming.
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
- I gave my Twitter followers the chance
to proclaim their love on TV.
As long as they included one thing they wanted
to change about their sweetheart
in a segment called Be Mine and Be Better.
I love you Kim,
but please stop gossiping while in the car,
it makes me want to drive into oncoming traffic.
Love Ron.
You don't gossip while your man is driving a vehicle.
Here's what you do, you sit there quietly,
and about five minutes before you reach your destination
you say, Hey, would you like some road head?
(laughing)
I love you but I'm also in love with Swedish Fish.
That's my (beep) cha-cha-cha.
Smiley face.
Swedish Fish got one thing right.
No yellow, no green.
I wouldn't mind an orange.
Cha-cha-cha.
I love you Rachel,
but you got to stop wearing socks to bed.
Jim.
Rachel, take off your socks.
It's (beep) gross.
(laughing)
I love you Amy but I wish you knew
how to make a decent Gravy.
Why is gravy capitalized?
Is that how bad her gravy is?
Amy has no idea.
She's making a subpar gravy.
This guy is not asking for an excellent gravy.
I want the best gravy.
He wants a decent gravy
so he can choke down that dog food you call dinner.
(upbeat music)
(crowd cheering)
- Oh my, you gotta be kidding me.
- Chivalry is dead.
- That's Bo and Sarah.
And when a foul ball came screaming towards the cheap seats,
he did the smart thing and moved out of the way.
It's not his fault her reflexes suck.
He was actually being considerate of her needs.
He would have broken his hand trying to catch it
and not been able to pleasure her later.
Sorry, if he didn't jump at the chance to take
a line drive to the dome.
He's your boyfriend, not your bodyguard.
We already have to open doors, pull out chairs,
carry your stuff, keep promises.
Lie about our past, try not to stare at your sister's boobs.
Listen to your awful pointless stories
and pretend we don't think your friends
are even more annoying than you are.
You want us to cut up your food to?
You lazy bitch.
Sorry, it was getting too close to home.
In the old days before women knew about lateral movement
men had to lay their jacket down over puddles.
Oh really?
Hey, you think I'm going to ruin my Lulu lemon
just so you can keep one of your 90 pairs of shoes clean?
Ladies chivalry only exists in train songs.
It isn't dead.
It's just taking a vacation
while you figure out that being equal blows.
Rappers have the right idea.
Forget all the formalities
and pour crystal on bitch's titties.
That's what they really want anyway.
Being a gentleman is simple.
Just try not to finish first.
Try.
(upbeat music)