(bouncy music) (dogs bark)
- Aw! Who's the sweetest little girl?
- Hello!
(both squeal)
Aw, I'm a momma too.
- Oh really?
- Yeah, but I have a fur baby.
- A fur baby?
(dog barks)
Oh, you mean a dog?
I gotcha.
- No, it's a fur baby.
Don't be jealous because you only have a skin baby.
I mean, look at it.
His little snoutless little skin baby.
I mean, he can't even touch its own butthole with its mouth.
That's disgusting!
(Jackie gags)
- Oh my...
- [Jackie] Every dog person ever.
- Hey man, what do you want to do when we hang out today?
- Oh, I'm down for anything really.
Somewhere outside, maybe during the day,
a few hours after lunch,
perhaps somewhere close that I could bring my dog maybe?
Maybe somewhere where there's a lot of other dogs, you know,
somewhere where I could bring my dog.
- So a dog park?
- A dog park!
Yes, that's a great idea!
Let's do that!
(dial tone)
Belly scritches!
(gentle music)
- Hi!
- Hey!
- I am so sorry I'm late.
My puppy Skidmark needed a 10 mile walk, so.
- Yeah, it's okay, it's okay.
I went ahead and got you a drink.
- Perfect, thank you.
- So I was looking at the menu. It looks really good-
I think... (phone beeps)
- Oh...
- Everything all right?
- Yeah. It's just my puppy cam, Skidmark's on there.
He looks really sad.
- Aw, I'm sure he'll be all right.
So I got us movie tickets for after this.
I was thinking we could walk-
- You know, I've never been away from him this long.
I miss him.
I gotta get home.
I'm sorry, this was fun though.
- We- - Yeah!
- Just got here... - Totally!
Next time.
I'll call you.
- Okay.
I got us movie tickets.
- Bye!
- All right...
I'll watch "Dune" by myself.
- [Ian] I don't believe in leashes.
- Roscoe's a Pekinese-Shih Tzu mix.
He's a peak-in-(beep).
- Well, Snookem's here is a bloodhound poodle mix.
She's a bloody poo.
- Skidmark's half stumpy tailed cattle dog,
half Wiener dog.
He's an (beep).
(all laugh)
Skidmark! Skidmark!
Halt!
- [Jackie] Big stretch.
(dog growls)
- Hey! Your dog is attacking me!
Ow!
- Oh, that's just the game she likes to play.
She loves games.
- No, she's tearing off my skin!
Ow!
- Yes, yes.
Give her all your skin and she'll calm down, I promise.
- What?
Um... okay, you can have some of my skin.
Ouch!
Not all of it!
That's too much skin.
- [Jackie] No, this is a mutt.
- Skidmark's so smart.
He knows the word, "treat."
- Snookem knows the words, "walk" and "outside."
- Roscoe knows the words,
"Climate change is reaching an irreversible tipping point."
(dog barks)
- Why would he know that?
- Shouldn't everyone?
(dog barks)
- [Ian] I'm a dog, dada.
(dog barks)
- Hey man, your dog won't stop barking at me.
- Oh, that's because you're holding a box.
She doesn't like men that hold boxes
or men without boxes or men that were boxers.
Surprisingly likes Boxman.
But doesn't like men that wear boxers or briefs.
Doesn't like briefcases.
And doesn't like people that talk with brief pauses.
Also does not like "The Pelican Brief."
Really hates all Julia Roberts films
and just generally hates a lot of things.
- You have a nightmare dog.
- But I love her, don't I?
You're so cute! Just a pupper!
- [Kimmy] You want to go to the park?
- Oh, Skidmark you love it here!
"Momma, please can I stay in the dog park?
Just four more hours, please."
- Roscoe, you're looking at me.
"Mama, I want to go home and lay on your back
like the skin husband you never had."
- "Daddy, I want a steak tonight!"
Now, now, Snookems, you had a steak last night.
"So what are you saying, in it,
that I can't have a steak every night?
What am I some cheap little ratty mutt to you?"
Now Snookems, that's not what I'm saying.
I love you.
"Well what is it you're saying then, in it?
Daddy?
Daddy!"
(all baby talking)
- [Jackie] You pooped!
- I really like hanging out with you.
- Oh me too!
I just think you're so special and-
Hey, Skidmark!
No!
Skidmark, put the shoe down!
Skidmark, stop!
Yeah, I really love spending time with you
and hey, Skidmark!
Hey! No digging.
Skidmark, halt! Halt!
Halt!
Yeah, I'd love to take this to the next level
if you're down.
Skidmark!
No (beep), no (beep), no (beep) Skidmark!
Cease, (beep), cease!
I'm getting a spray bottle.
I'm so sorry.
- It's all right.
Hey, little guy.
(dog growls)
Oh, (beep).
- [Ian] Doggie!
(phone dialing)
- Hello, is this the vet?
Roscoe's coughed twice in the past four months.
Does he throat cancer?
- Skidmark was smiling while he pooped today.
Does that mean he's depressed, but he's hiding it from me?
- Snookems slept through the whole night.
Is she (beep) dying? (phone dial tone)
Just tell me if she's dying!
- [Jackie] Fur baby.
(dogs barking)
- I feel like your dog is super anxious.
- Well, that's just because she's feeding off
of your anxiety.
- Well I'm anxious because you won't train your dog.
- Well, I haven't trained my dog
because the thought of training my dog makes me anxious.
Okay, Snookems, time for your Xanax.
(dog growls)
Oh.
(dog barks)
- You're so hot. - Oh my god, you're so hot.
- Oh, your dog.
- Oh, right, sorry.
Skidmark, no watching!
Skidmark!
Skidmark, close your eyes!
Skidmark, turn around.
Good.
Where were we?
- Oh, uh...
- Skidmark!
Skidmark, no (beep)!
Skidmark, hold!
Hold Skidmark, no!
It's okay.
- No. It's not okay.
He's actively (beep) everywhere.
- Everybody poops, it's fine.
- Oh yeah, no, I'm all right.
- Stephen, hold.
Hold! Stay, stay!
- Skidmark help.
- Oh God, wait, no.
He's mine, Skidmark!
Stop!
Skidmark, stop!
He will hump your leg.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
(Shayne screams)
- Bet it can't even touch its own bow with its mouth.
I know, it's very average.
- No...
Roscoe, how dare you.
- How dare you.
- She's, whoa.
(claps) Let's go.
- [Jackie] No.
(both laughing)
- I was like, "I need to leave!"
(both laughing)
(high pitched beep)
- Yeah. Well Snookems knows the word "walk" and "outside."
- Roscoes knows the words.
Roscoes knows word.
- Wash, waskulls.
(high pitched beep)
Snookems knows the words...
Snookems knows the words.
Snookem.
(high pitched beep)
Doesn't like water.
Doesn't like the earth.
Doesn't like salt.
Especially you just draw a salt ring around the dog
and it just digs a hole under.
- You talking about demons?
- My dog is a demon.
You figured it out.
(high pitched beep)
- My dog does composting (chuckles).
- Your dog is very eco-friendly.
- I mean, yes.
- Are you sure your dog is not a child?
- It is my child.
It's my baby.
- How dare you, sir.
- How dare you! - How dare you, Sherbert!
- My name is Herbert, not Sherbert.
I'll beat the (beep) out of you if you say that again.
- Really?
Sherbert.
- Sherbert.
- Halt!
Cease!
Skidmark, cease! Halt!
Stop!
Stop, Skidmark, I know you can understand my English words.
I know that because I rescued you
when you were 6 years old from the war.
Skidmark!
I know you can understand me.
I'm tired of this (beep).
So, I mean we could take things to the bedroom or...
- I don't think there's any capability of me having a boner.
(both laugh)