For as long as I could remember I've always had this void in my life
this empty feeling deep deep inside me
that you cant quite shake
no matter how hard you try
it sort of consumes
and eats away
you have great happy moments
and just when you think things are fine
SURPRISE
the feelings always comes back
it's just a matter of time
the constant frustration to filll this void something to ease a pain
What's the cause ? nobody knows, that you feel the sad, emptiness every single day
it leaves you feeling so empty and down
like you missing something somehow
something that's a big part of me and once i have it i'll be happy
i just need that one thing, this missing key once i get my hands on it
i'll be complete
because i tried everything, friends, education, material stuff
no matter how hard i try and that seems to be enough
it sucks.
and i know people tell me that i just need to think more positively or the solution to my problem is self love
is not as simple as that
not when you've got to the point where you just feel numb
i so badly wanna fill my heart with so much happiness it takes all the sadness away
my childhood was so dark and angry that i always thought in my adult life things would change
somehow, i would no longer feel the same and i don't
things aren't as intense anymore but there's no denying that this feeling is always there and it's something i can't explain
i just wish it would go away
i always thought when i grow up things will be different
i just thought . . .
that things would be different
you look at other people and they always seem so happy
You know you observe people’s lives whether that be in person, social media, tv
and it seems to come to them so naturally
And I know all of that stuff can be misleading, but when you feel so empty, you can’t help but look and think
why can’t that be me?
Cause you want that, you so desperately want that, and you feel like you’re doing the right things
you know you’re hanging out with friends, talking about it, dancing to silly music and in the moment it feels great
you’re in a good happy place
sooner or later that feeling goes away.
and the emptiness kicks in again
Do I sound crazy?
god I think I sound so crazy
i tend to feel alot late at night
And that’s when I write
sometimes I’m so overwhelmed with emotion that I just cry
and I don’t know why
it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me
and It’s sad to admit, that it becomes easier to lie and act like everything’s fine
So that’s what I say
I say that I’m fine
Events from my past still affect my adult life I lash out, get down out of nowhere and I can’t explain why
It just gets so messed up in my head sometimes
cause you can't escape it, not when it’s all happening in your mind. and so you just beat yourself up and beat yourself up til you feel so small
sometimes you can be in a room full of people
and still feel so alone
I can put on an act and pretend to be tough
but deep down I never quite feel brave enough
you can feel so small in this big big world that I feel like all I have are my words
to keep my sense of control
these poems, they’re like my therapy you know
a way to release and pour out my soul In hopes that it’ll make me feel better
and somehow fill this empty hole
One day I’ll able look back at everything and it won’t hurt so much anymore
I’ll be able to look back at what happened and not feel so sore
Cause there’s no cure
theres no quick way to fix it, it’s just something you learn to live with
But it’ll get easier
of that I’m sure
you are not the demons in your mind
you are not the hurt and pain
you feel on the inside
you’re stronger than that
you can fight
understand that it’s all temporary and that these things take time
so chin up
breathe
allow yourself to feel everything there is to feel
you’re going to get through this
give it some time
and you’ll heal