- She dumped me.
- It's raining outside?
Sorry.
How'd she do it?
- It's a long story.
- Well, I have an open bar tab.
(rock music)
- And that's how it happened.
- I'm sorry, dude, that sucks.
But at least you guys weren't together for that long, right?
- Three months.
- Really?
Straight people time's really weird.
I thought it was like, two weeks, or something.
All right, well, we got a lot of work to do.
- Where?
What?
- Yeah, I'm gonna show you how to win that breakup.
Hey, step one, clean up.
You guys were Facebook official, weren't you?
- Of course.
- Gross, OK, never do that again.
OK, so now we're just gonna hide
your relationship status, here,
and then change it to single.
- Well, I mean, people should know what I'm going through.
You can't just hide all the negative parts about our lives
and project all the positive parts.
- Chris, it's Facebook, that's what people do.
- I guess you're right.
- OK.
- Should I just de-friend her completely?
- No, that's admitting defeat,
we're going for higher ground here.
You're just going to, you know, unfollow her,
so that you don't have to see
all her weird shit in your news feed.
- I mean, what about all our pictures together
and our trip to Cleveland.
Am I just supposed to delete that?
- No, Chris, again, that's admitting defeat.
Plus, you know, you may want them in 10 years
when you want to burn physical copies for a seance.
- You think Facebook will be around in 10 years?
- Ha, I was thinking about that, like,
are we just gonna, like, be robots.
- Oh, yeah, I was reading-- - [Brittany] You know and, like,
It's gonna be like our face-- - [Chris] I was watching a documentary
about technological singularity--
- OK, so we're gonna take all the photos
of you guys together, put them in an album,
change the privacy, so only you can see them.
- How do you know all this?
- Oh, I'm horrible at relationships.
- Oh, she just tweeted a quote about change.
- Unfollow her, that's a subtweet.
- What?
- You know, like when she mentions you
without mentioning you.
- Yeah, and she attributed it to Kanye,
this is a Brady Bunch episode.
- Stop looking, stop it.
- I'm just gonna reply and let her know. - [Brittany] No!
- So, what about Instagram?
- Instagram's a little trickier.
It's the front line of your battleground
so if you delete all of the pictures you guys have together,
that's a huge whole in your defense.
- She just posted, like, four selfies
of her and her friends at the beach.
Is that another guy?
- Oh, is Kara there?
She's a hunk.
- Losing focus.
- OK, I'm sorry, she's overcompensating,
she's only doing this to show you
how good her life is without you.
- All right, so let's retaliate.
- No, Chris, I'm sorry, we can't,
we have to take the higher ground here.
- All right, fine, I won't post anything.
- No, you can't do that.
Then you're just gonna look devastated.
- Well, what do you want me to do Brittany?
- Ugh, OK, here.
(picture snaps)
Look, indifference is key.
- [Both] Dogs are on Instagram.
- These things are really weird if you think about it.
- Oh my god.
- Huh?
- She just liked my post.
- What?
She crazy?
- Well, what does this mean?
Does this mean we're getting back together?
Should I text her? - [Brittany] No! No, Chris!
No, OK?
If you text her now, all the progress we've made
is just gone, she wins.
- OK, I don't care.
What if I don't wanna do this anymore?
What if I don't wanna pretend like everything's OK?
- Because that's what people do, Chris.
They pretend like everything's OK
until things are eventually OK.
- Yeah, but why does there have to be so many rules?
What if I just wanna be myself online?
(clapping)
- No, don't stop it.
- You just won the breakup.
- Stop clapping.
- "The only winning move, is not to play."
- War Games reference?
- Yeah, I thought that you'd like because
the whole singularity thing - [Chris] Yeah, singularity thing.
You were listening.
- Yeah.
- OK, I'm still kind of upset about this,
but was I was saying-- - [Brittany] Sure.
- Was that, I kinda think that robots will learn so much
that they'll kind become God, in a sense. - [Brittany] Yeah.
- Or, at least they'll understand our concept of God.
- Are they gonna be, like, conservative
or do you think they'll be more liberal?
- No, I think they will understand God,
so, like, every, like conservative thing-- - [Brittany] But, like, a social platform--
- But that's just our interpretation of God.