I frantically paced around the bathroom wanting to rip the weight off my body
and as soon as I looked into the mirror, I saw it as a
17 year old girl I
was always insecure about how I looked I
Would tell myself constantly that I had to lose weight because no one would want to be friends with someone who looked like
me
It slowly became a habit and everyday I would stare at my body and count the calories that I ate
Believing that if I kept at my routine, I'd finally be happy
However, one day when I was at my grandma's house for a family dinner
I needed to use the bathroom and when I got there I saw some scales I
Was really excited to see the progress I had made so I stepped on them
But I couldn't believe what I saw. I remember the moment clearly the numbers rose so high
214 pounds I reeled in shocked. How did this happen? I
Couldn't believe it I worked so hard all the time
How could I have put on more weight? I?
Frantically paced around the bathroom wanting to rip the weight off my body
And as soon as I looked into the mirror, I saw it
I saw where the extra weight went. It surrounded me weigh me down like bricks. I
Pulled up my top and grabbed my stomach. I
Saw all the worst parts of me my thighs touching my belly big and round
It felt like everything I had been doing accounted for nothing. I
broke down crying
The toilet caught my eye and for a moment I thought about throwing up but I just couldn't do it
So instead I decided that for the next week. I wouldn't eat anything I
Practically starved myself for seven days. And in the end I lost 12 pounds. I felt so proud of myself
but when I told people about it, no one seemed to care I
Would even make little hints to my mom by weighing myself in front of her every time the scale went down
I would jump around in excitement, but no matter how skinny I got
No one ever
Congratulated me. They didn't care about how hard I was trying
This only fueled me to work harder to lose more
My obsession with my body kept getting worse and worse
At first I was just starving myself, but at some point it turned into something much worse. I
Hated myself and hated how I looked I would write out notes to myself. That would make me throw up anything
I ate no matter how little it was it was weird because
while I became so insecure about how I looked I was also proud of myself for
Having so much control over what went into my body
My condition got so bad that I started to feel exhausted all the time and I could barely concentrate in class
I knew what I was doing was bad
But I couldn't stop I will limit my meals to 1,200 calories a day and work out every night. I
Made it a rule that I had to walk 10,000 steps every day. And in the course of roughly 2 years I
Lost almost 94 pounds. I got down to 117
This was my lowest weight. I thought that I was trying to get better
But instead my demons were becoming more and more a part of me
My whole life became all about numbers how much I was eating how much I was losing and
How many steps I could take to lose more?
I would calculate the number of calories game in a day versus the number of calories lost when I worked out
I became so obsessed that I even had a chart with those numbers and the amount of weight
I lose it was the only thing I could focus on and every time I pass a mirror
It would only fuel my desire to get smaller
It felt like someone else had taken control over my body
One day my mom asked if I wanted to go bikini shopping with her at first
I was super excited because I had been working so hard on my weight
so I thought for sure she would notice how great I looked but when I started to try on different bikinis, I
got really upset I
Hated how everything looked on me
nothing would fit properly and I could still see my thighs touching I
Started crying in the changing room. It was in that moment that I realized
It wasn't my body. That was the problem. It was me. I
needed professional help
On the way home, I turned to my mom and broke down
Telling her everything that I had been doing to my body
Like how I had been throwing up my food
To starving myself regularly. We sat there in silence for a while
Until she grabbed my hand and said we would get through this together
She booked me in to see a doctor for the next day, but that night I didn't sleep at all
I was so afraid that I made the wrong decision
As we sat in the doctor's office I got really nervous
But before I could say anything to my mom, a nurse approached us and asked my mom and I to follow her
Was I making a mistake? I thought as we walked into the room a
Doctor then came in and started to ask me about my eating habits
I hugged my arms around my body to try to control the ease
I felt the doctor went on to say it seems that your daughter is suffering from a condition called bulimia. I
Sucked in a deep breath as I reeled in the realization at what I had done to my body
The doctor then went on to explain bulimia as a condition that affects someone's eating habits which causes them to regulate their food intake and
vomit up their food
this condition can have lifelong effects both physically and mentally
The doctor scheduled me in for a therapy session and said that it would be a long road to recovery
But the first step is always the hardest even though I was afraid I was determined to get better
Since that day in the doctor's office. It's been a really hard recovery, but over the course of the last five years
I've slowly put my weight back on and I no longer keep track of what I eat. I
still struggle from time to time
But thanks to my loving family and therapist I now see that I am more
Than how much I weigh and I deserve to be loved
I just want to say that you are more than what you weigh
And if any of you are going through eating issues like I did
Please go speak to a professional or someone you trust
The first step is the hardest but there is always a way out and life does get easier