It's tough. Isn't it?
You feel this tremendous emotional connection to one person.
Loving him or her like you never thought you might be able to love. Yet,
you're married to another person.
And you really want to make that marriage work because you're convinced that's
the right thing to do.
Well, at least occasionally you're convinced that's the right thing to do.
You find yourself vacillating, thinking.
"I'm a good dad, I'm a good mom. I'm a good husband. I'm a good wife.
I'm a good person.
I made a vow that I'd be together with this person for the rest of my life.
And now I'm in love with somebody else, but, but I need to stop that and
work things out with my spouse." And then on other occasions, I'm thinking,
I don't know if I ever can put the marriage back together because for the rest
of my life.
I'm going to be mourning what I've lost if I end this relationship with the
other person, Hi, I'm Dr. Joe beam.
I understand how you feel. As a matter of fact.
I've been exactly where you are. Oh, it was a few years ago.
As you can tell by my white hair, I'm a little bit over 30.
But many.
Years ago, as a matter of fact, well, over 30 years ago,
I actually did divorce my wife and leave her to be with my lover.
That I felt that I couldn't even explain what I felt for her to other people,
because nobody had ever felt that way. Eventually it fell apart,
as most of those things do. And finally fell apart.
I could explain a lot more to you about that right now,
but I won't take time to.
You can find other videos about that right here on our YouTube channel,
if you wish. I mean, there are tons of them.
Look for the ones that talk about being in love with someone else.
Look for the ones that talk about limerence L I M E R E N C E.
Look for that word. As a matter of fact,
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And so not taking up enough time in this video,
because it will become much too long if I do...
There is this thing called limerence.
And we do a lot of teaching about it here in our videos.
And hopefully you take time to.
Learn about that, but it's powerful. It's absolutely intense.
Here's the thing you don't want to hear and might have difficulty believing.
I'm telling you this because not only have I experienced it,
but I've worked with thousands and thousands who have,
so it's not just my experience. It's the experience of so many people.
And not just experiences, but also research. You understand?
I read research all the time, keeping up with everything I possibly can.
It's going to end. This deep.
Powerful emotion you feel for the other person. It is going to end.
Now it may not end today. It.
May not end next year, but it's not going to go on forever. As a matter.
Of fact, from the very beginning to the end,
it will last somewhere between three months and 48 months.
Now, if you've already been in it 24 months,
for example it's already probably on it's way out.
I've worked with various,
very few people over the last quarter century who have been in it longer
than 36 months. And I know occasionally, but yeah it's pretty rare.
And so it is eventually going to end.
But kudos to you that you're thinking " I want to follow my
beliefs and value system.
And my belief and value system says I should try to restore my marriage." I
admire that. As a matter of fact, you may have noticed, or maybe you haven't,
but other people have told you about it, that you have changed somewhat.
Maybe people sometimes say to you,
"we don't think you're the same person we used to know."
It could have come from your spouse could have come from your children could
have come from your friends and you deny it. I have not changed whatsoever.
Everybody changes. And in this particular situation,
you will become a different person because you've been living in contradiction
to your beliefs and values, if your beliefs & values,
say "I should stay in my marriage.
I should make it work." And when you do that,
it causes a lot of consternation inside of you.
And it does lead you to change in the way you think and the way you feel.
And so if you decide to go back to the marriage, if you decide,
you're going to try to put this thing back together,
understand that you'll become the old you again... but hopefully,
a lot better. The you that you've been,
but a lot better than that person,
because you've learned so much through this experience,
overcame the negatives & increased the positives. Now,
assuming that you've made that decision.
That you really want to put the marriage back together...
Do believe me when I tell you that the emotions you feel for the other person
will fade. Not immediately,
but they will fade. So,
once you make the decision you're going to commit to the marriage,
stick with it. Don't waiver.
Because there'll be days when you'll want to do that.
There'll be days even after you make that commitment, make that decision...
You'll be thinking to yourself, "Oh my goodness, I miss her so much today.
Or I miss him so much today. I just need to talk to him.
I just need to be around her.
I just need to look at his or her picture." Whatever it might be,
you've got to commit and not waiver.
And you can't have a backup plan that "well,
if I try to put my marriage back together and,
and my wife won't take me back or we can't work it out,
my husband won't take me back. We can't work it out.
Then I'm going to have my lover in the back of my head,
if not in some other fashion as my backup plan. So that if this doesn't work,
I'll go back to there." Please don't do that. Because you see,
you're deceiving yourself. As long as you have that as your backup plan...
Can you,
you really know in your own heart that you're trying as much as you need to
try... That you're doing as much as you need to do...
Or will a part of you be hoping that you fail at this,
and maybe your spouse doesn't work things out with you...
So that you can go back to the lover with a clearer conscience?
That's playing a game with you, a game that has no winning strategy.
That's a game that you will lose, one way or another.
So not only do you.
Not waiver once you've made the decision, you have to end the other backup plan,
which means that you have to stop.
All contact with the other person. All contact.
Now, listen to me. I know this is tough. I have been where you are.
I have felt these emotions. And you'll think,
"but what if I just talk to her to make my day better?
Or if I just call him to see if he's doing okay?".
Okay. Look, everybody loses. Well,
at least three people lose. You said, "well, who's the first one?" Your spouse.
What do you mean?
If you've committed to put this relationship back together & to save this
marriage... If you contact the other person for any reason,
even to see if they're okay, "Oh, I hear you're in a hospital.
I want to make sure that you're alive.
That the doctors gave you a good prognosis." Whatever the reason might be.
If your spouse finds out about it, it's going to hurt him or her.
And that's not fair.
Because they will be thinking all kinds of things if you make any contact for
any reason with the other person. So it's not.
Fair to your spouse. Guess what? It's not.
Fair to your lover either. Why not?
Because any contact you make with him or her,
leaves in their brain an.
Open door, like "maybe.
Just, maybe we can put this back together someday.
It's obvious that she or he still cares about me.
It's obvious that the emotions haven't all gone away.
I heard the compassion in his or her voice.
And it was just great to talk to them again." And what you have now done,
you have given them hope.
Which if you've made a decision to save your marriage would be false hope.
You've given them hope that you might come.
Back to them at some point, and that's.
Not fair to them.
You've made their grief period go longer. You've made their pain last longer.
You've made it more difficult for them to get past you and move on with their
life. If you truly have loved them, and I believe you.
Have...And even if.
You think you truly love them right now, and if you say you do,
I believe that...
Then don't hurt them.
You say, "but I'm hurting them if I end it. "Yes, but at least it's a clean,
solid hurt. They can start in the grief process. They'll have some denial,
all that kind of thing,
but they can start grieving and they can start working out of it.
But if you open the door, just a crack just to check on them,
whatever it might be.
With any contact, "Oh.
We're just friends. We're just maintaining our friendship. You hurt your spouse,
and you continue to hurt that person,
making their healing take so much longer than it should otherwise. Oh,
and the third person is you.
Because if you talk to them, it's going to be.
Touching those emotions inside your head. "I heard her voice, she still
sounds so beautiful. I heard his voice,
and I wish I could just be in his arms again." And even if you don't think those
thoughts right then,
you're keeping the possibility of that going on in your brain. And that's not.
Fair to you.
You make it so much more difficult to solve this thing. So.
Stop all contact.
No contact for any reason. No matter how you justify it.
Don't do it. A friend.
Of mine, years ago, the way he was able to deal with that... He said, "Joe,
I just need to know if he's okay." Well call her father.
You know him, don't you? "Well, yeah, but Joe.
Her father knows I had an affair with her.
And if I call her father..." "I understand my friend, but don't you see,
it's not fair to your wife, to you, or to her, to call her.
And if it really is your motive honestly, just to know how she is,
call her dad and ask her. Then you can find out if he's okay or not.
Actually I know her dad,
he's a civil man and he's not going to scream and shout profanities at you.
He'll probably tell you she's doing okay.
But if that's your real reason that you don't have to call her,
do you understand? And then in this process, allow yourself to grieve.
I mentioned that a minute ago, that that the other person needs to grieve.
You're ending the relationship, but you need to grieve it too.
You've lost something that's important to you.
Even if you're the one who made the choice,
you've lost something that's important to you.
And it takes a little while to get over that. So allow yourself to grieve.
Don't panic when you feel those things. Don't get into one major pity party,
either. If you need to find a friend to help you grieve who can listen to you,
please do so. A therapist, counselor, please do so.
Just make sure if it's a friend,
it's not our friend that you could possibly develop romantic feelings for when
you're sharing your grief and your pain,
because that will work out really badly.
And then another thing if you want to put it back together,
start renewing a relationship with your spouse.
That starts by becoming friends again, you know.
Just being nice to each other. And if you say, "well,
we've already been doing that." Good for you. Keep it up, do that.
And then if you're sorry about what you did and the pain that you caused your
spouse by being involved with this other person.
Then confess that and tell.
Your spouse that you're sorry if indeed you are. Just,
don't do it repeatedly over and over and over again. That's not healthy,
but you can say it. I'm sorry that that happened. And then,
if you feel it's right to do so, you can ask your spouse if he or she will.
Forgive you. Just don't demand the forgiveness.
Spouse gets to make the decisions about that.
And then if your spouse wants to talk about his or.
Her pain, listen. Please.
Listen. I know it's going to hurt you to hear that.
And I know you can't do it forever.
There actually has to come a time when you end that. But in the meantime,
listen. And
while you're listening.
Don't keep.
Saying, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry." You'll start programming yourself to think that you're no good.
So don't do that. Say it to begin with. I'm sorry.
Maybe you say it a couple of times. I'm sorry. After that,
your spouse still talks about the pain. Don't keep saying, I'm sorry.
Say "I'm glad I've learned better.
So I will never do that again." If he or she brings it up another time you can
go, it was a tough time. I get that. I'm so glad we're on the other side of it.
You're still letting them know that. You're sorry,
but you don't keep saying that word and billing that idea into their head that
you're no.
Good. And then, if your spouse is willing, ask him.
Or her if they'll explore reconciliation with you. And then,
whether they decide if they will or they won't.
Be patient. Don't push anything, right?
No manipulation, no control, no demanding.
Let it go easy and slow. You might be thinking "well, Dr. Beam,
is there a methodology for exploring reconciliation?".
There really is.
People think, "we'll just move back in together and act like nothing happened.
And we'll be okay.".
Usually that works out pretty badly. We actually have a course.
You can actually go to our website, marriage helper.com and find out about it.
Or you can call that toll free number on your screen right now.
And that's to speak to one of our client representatives and he,
or she will tell you about it. It's actually called exploring reconciliation.
And you can work through that to try to decide whether you're going to reconcile
or not now understand the title is exploring reconciliation because that's what
it is. It's not a decision to reconcile. Okay? We both decided to reconcile.
Let's go ahead and get into this course.
It's a process from making the decision. As a matter of fact,
it's got five steps and you don't even make the decision until step four,
but it's a very powerful process for you guys to go through as an online course.
As a matter of fact though, I would recommend that.
If you get it, you also book time with one of our coaches. Because.
Our coaches can help you with the thing,
where it doesn't become burdensome to you, and you can really understand.
Each other. On the other hand.
If your spouse says, okay, I'm ready, let's reconcile. Then I would say,
"don't start with that. Call and ask about our weekend workshop.
It's a three-day intensive." Most of the couples in there are in some kind of
marital crisis. They've had some kind of difficult thing. And if you think,
Oh my goodness, you know what? I'll be the only one in there that had an affair,
either emotional, sexual or otherwise. And the answer is that's not true.
There'll actually be a.
Lot of people in that same situation. It's a non-judgemental,
powerful weekend to work through a lot of things, to understand how it happened,
to understand what's going on inside of you and your spouse,
and to understand how to put it back together. If you choose to do that.
And then later,
if you still want to go through the "Exploring Reconciliation," then you'll do
it with a different mindset and that will come even more powerful for you. Well,
did you hear all those things I talked about? I hope that you do.
Here's the good news you can get past and we'll get past
the emotions you feel for your level right now.
And if you decide to put your marriage back together, we can help.
We've been doing it for a quarter of a century.
We have a tremendous amount of success. We want to help you do it.
We want to help you make your life good and your marriage. Good again.
[Inaudible].