♫ eerie music ♫
(Narration) Little Jonny thought it was a good idea to make a new friend on Facebook...
Hello, little Jonny!
(Narration) Little did he know, the cute girl he spent all night talking with...
Is Jenny here?
(Narration) ...was actually a chubby, middle-aged man with a patchy beard.
(Narration) Little Jonny didn't know that half of all men are rapists.
(Narration) Little Jonny thought he was safe.
Where's Jenny?
- Jenny is here, little Jonny!
Jenny's always been here!
I'm Jenny, little Jonny!
[growls lustily]
This is what you get for using Facebook!
Yes! This is what you get for using Facebook!
[growls lustily]
♫ h3h3 intro music ♫
(Michelle Obama) "Wow, Ethan, Great moves! Keep it up! Proud of you!"
"The Dangers of Social Media" is a video by Coby Persin,
the real life Wii avatar,
that went SUPER viral!
It cautioned parents to be careful with their children,
because so many children are being abducted in America!
(Man/Father) "MIKAYLA! ARE YOU CRAZY!? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!?
So many...
Like, 1 in every 3.2 million...
THE DANGERS ARE EVERYWHERE!
The basic premise is he sets up a fake profile on Facebook
and lures in young children into compromising positions.
Well, besides being obviously fake,
it also just highlighted how gullible and ridiculous the fears are of the general public.
(Man/Father) "Get over here. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
Well, let's jump right into the second one and see if it's just as spooky, spicy, and wild as the first!
(Coby - Narrating) "Previously on 'The Dangers of Social Media'..."
- "ARE YOU CRAZY? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?"
Previously on "ARE YOU CRAZY? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?"
Previously on "HOW MANY KIDS ARE ON COBY PERSIN'S SPEED DIAL?"
Previously on "HOW TO EMOTIONALLY ABUSE YOUR CHILDREN!"
Previously on "DAD'S GOTTA FUCKING GUN, AND I DARE YOU TO COME OVER AND TALK TO MY DAUGHTER!"
(Man/Father) "WE ALREADY LOST YOUR MOTHER! WHAT WOULD I DO IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO YOU!?"
[girl sobs]
Previously on "WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOTHER! WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU!"
(Coby - Narrating) "In this episode, I made a fake profile as a 15 year old girl,"
"friend requested three boys with the parent's permission,"
"and this is what happened."
- Mmm! Coby's role-playing as a 15 year old girl now! That's sexy!
I wonder what that looks like.
I knew all the boys loved me!
[typing] You are the perfect man. I love you
so much!
[wolf whistle]
- You can't use the eyebrow whistle, man!
We're talking about child raaaaape!
It's not fucking cool, dude!
[wolf whistle]
Guys, abducting boys and raping little children is a terrible thing happening in the world.
[wolf whistle]
We gotta make a stop to it!
[wolf whistle]
You know what I like to do before I rape a little boy?
Give him one of these:
[terrible wolf whistle]
Spook him out a little bit, you know what I mean?
Come here, little Jonny!
Daddy just wants to play!
Come on, little Jonny!
- "All right, he said, 'I'll be there in 10 minutes.'"
[knocking on the door]
- "Hi."
- "Uh... Who are you?"
- How is that kid not terrified right now?
This is literally a rape dungeon!
Notice the pictures of the family on the wall,
the nice, motherly decorations,
the keychain, the flowers, the nice TV in the living room,
my god, this place is screaming RAPE!
Especially in a nice, suburban neighborhood like this!
Use some judgement, man! You could've been murdered! You could've been raped!
- "I don't understand! Didn't I just show you last week that YouTube video?"
- "What didn't you not learn about that!?"
- You watched the video and you still did this? It's almost like it didn't have any impact on you! What's wrong with you?
It's almost like the video was a gimmick, it didn't actually mean anything.
It's almost like, uh, it was entertainment, and not a replacement for 15 years of bad parenting!
I can't believe you! What are you out of your mind!?
- "What didn't you not learn about that!? Kids are getting killed, abducted!"
This video operates on the assumption that kids are actually being abducted and murdered every year.
Well, let's have a look at the stats, and see how does it stack up.
As I pointed out earlier, there are about 100 strange abductions per year in the whole United States.
So, by that logic, what let's see what else should we keep kids from doing?
1,000 people die from falling down stairs every year.
That means you're 10 times more likely to die falling down the stairs.
Oops! Nan just took another tumble.
How about driving in a car?
You are 3,700 times more likely to die in a car crash than you are to be abducted.
How about this one? You are 10 times more likely to be struck by lightning than to be abducted.
I guess we just better stop people from going outside altogether!
- "Who is this girl, Amanda, you're talking about?
"Who is she?"
(Coby) "She doesn't exist."
"It was fake."
"That was us. We set that up with your parents to teach you a lesson."
- Why would you stay up with me chatting!? We talked for twenty hours straight 'til the sun came up!
I thought it was true love!
Ha! Fucking duped you so hard, dude!
Dude, Coby Persin has become the king of chatting up little kids, by the way!
Dude, nobody draws out the little kiddies like Coby Persin!
This guys getting in their minds and shit, dude!
This guy's playing some serious games with the kids.
God damn, dude!
So many creeps online!
I'm gonna teach these kids a lesson!
- "Right now I'm gonna text him and see if he actually gives the address. I'm gonna say 'what's your address?'"
"'So I can come pick you up.'"
(Typing out message) "'What's your address...'"
- Between these two videos, I think Coby's got more kids on speed dial than Jared Fogle.
Jesus, dude, he's like, "all right, lemme just look up your son here."
"Uh, there he is!"
- "Hey, little buddy! I'm Amanda's dad."
"Hop on back!"
(Boy) "Where's Amanda?"
- "She's at home! Didn't she tell you I was coming?"
(Boy) "Yeah, but... something about this doesn't feel right..."
- "It's all right! Come on back, I got you, don't worry!"
- Kid goes, "Something about this doesn't feel right." Proceeds to get in the van.
Ooh! That's a bright bulb! That kid's going places.
He's going straight to Hollywood because that was quite a performance, dude!
You're gonna win an Emmy for that performance, dude!
Can we please get the Academy Awards!?
YouTube has been snubbed for way too long!
(Boy) "Help me! HELP!"
- Okay, you know what, dude? I'm gonna have to take that Emmy away.
Dude, that's the best you can do? You're fighting for your life? You're not even fucking kicking your legs?
It's like they're pulling up a potato sack. You're just going limp, man.
I don't know if that's what you're into, or if it's just a really bad performance,
but you just went limp!
Aah! This is what fighting for your life looks like!
Take me! Take me, Coby!
Oh, this is all the will I have to live!
Oh, daddy, I know that's you behind the mask!
Oh! Take me, daddy!
Ow, I'm fighting for my life!
OoOOooh!
Seriously, dude, is that all you fucking got?
Is that your only will to live, dude!?
Throw a kick, man! Throw some kicks!
Are you serious? That's it?
[sigh] Either that kid wants to get fucked,
or that shit's fake.
(Dad) "What the [BEEP]k's wrong with you?"
"Didn't daddy tell you 'don't do this on Facebook'"?
I like how this dude is just, like, driving off.
Like, he's still going to plan. He's still abducting the kid.
It's like, dude, the ruse is up, man!
You can pull over!
He's committed to the role to the very end.
I don't stop 'til you say "cut" or I get my nut!
- "So, right now I'm here with the mother of Thomas. Thomas is 12 years old."
"We've been talking for 12 hours."
"He actually was very persistent to meet up."
- What were you sending him, Coby, by the way, that made him so persistent?
I'm really curious. I wanna see that chatlog.
What'd you send him? A couple of these?
Did you send him a couple of these, Coby?
I see his chest is shaved, dude! He could send some nice titty pics!
Send him a couple of these ones, Coby?
Or maybe, like, one of these classics, like the close-up so it looks like a fucking buttcrack or some shit.
Some hot and sexy shit right there, huh?
Get out your dicks, ladies and gentlemen!
Especially the ladies. Get out your dicks.
Shit's about to get too hot for television!
- Wow, must be a really dangerous neighborhood.
He just left his bike right there.
And, by the way guys, if we wanna be real,
Let's stop talking about child abduction danger,
the kid is riding around without a helmet!
That is, like, a million times more dangerous than ever being abducted and raped as a kid!
Well, to be precise, you are 7 and a half times more likely to die riding your bike without a helmet than you are to be abducted.
Good parenting, lady!
[eerie ambience]
(Boy) "Help! Get off me! Help!"
- What does he do? He sits down like this!?
Like, straight up? Before they even get to him?
Now watch him try to escape. He's fighting for his life.
Look at his feet.
This is embarrassingly fake.
All the dreams you ever had...
Every girl you ever loved, dude...
This is all the will you've got for that?
This is fucking... the fakest shit ever, dude.
Oh, yeah, and uh, one more thing...
What the FUCK was that!?
A fucking shirtless dude is in a wig and one dude's wearing a towel?
That's the climax?
This is what it's all culminated to, Coby?
The dude's gonna be in a towel. Well, that just means he's ready to go.
That means he's ready to fuck!
That way there's an urgency, right?
That way you need to pucker up your asshole and fight for life.
This dude's wearing a towel, he's just one layer away from dick on you!
This shit is faker than pro wrestling.
This shit is faker than Pamela Anderson's tits.
This shit is faker than the moon landing.
By the way, the moon is NOT real! Take my word for it.
(Boy) "Please! Get off me!"
(Mom) "THOMAS!"
(Mom) "THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU GET!"
- Jesus, that's fucking brutal.
"This is exactly what you get," to be traumatized, and humiliated in front of your whole school.
This is exactly what you get for trying to meet a friend!
13 year old kids will put their dicks in anything with a pulse!
Pulse optional!
Even without a pulse!
And you expect him to exercise judgement? This is exactly what he gets?
Take a step back, you fucking bad parent!
[multiple clips of parents shouting]
(Coby) "This could've been the last time you saw your mother right here."
(Mom) [crying] "Do you realize... I could've lost you today?"
- Dude, that dude's still ready to fuck, dude!
That's that method actor again!
I'm gettin' that nut, until you say cut!
These guys are ready to fuck, dude! They're just waiting to go to town, dude!
Gimme the word, Coby! I'm still down to rape that kid, dude! Just tell me when to get him!
♫ creepy music plays ♫
What are you, crazy? What are you, out of your mind?
Jonny, daddy just want's to play!
Daddy just wants to say "Hi", little Jonny.
What are you wearing?
You know, I'm really glad he did part two,
because it shows just how worthless his first video, and videos like this, are.
- "Didn't I just show you last week that YouTube video?"
We're supposed to be shocked that the boy still did this after watching the first one,
but the only thing it means is that the first one didn't have any actual impact on them,
that it doesn't mean shit,
that it's just entertainment with no actual value.
(Coby) "Did you show him the video?"
(Dad) "You saw it!"
It scares you in the moment, it makes you share it and show it to your family and friends,
but it has no real impact, and Coby has done an excellent job, by the way, of exhibiting that in his second installment
of how to spook your kids silly.
I'm so sorry, parents of America. Sadly, there's no five minute shortcut to raising your children.
I guess we better throw them in a rape van and humiliate them forever.
(Outro) "Just take a minute and let that picture soak in."
"Okay, let's move o-"