Divorce can really take a toll. And it affects kids too. Let's talk today about
how parents can help their kids deal with their divorce. Believe it or not,
divorce is probably just as hard on kids as it is on their parents. And I'm
starting to say that. But that is true. And in my experience in working with
kids, there are some things that we can do as parents to help our children deal
with our divorce. So that it doesn't affect them as negatively as it might
otherwise. Let's put this in a top 10 list. Starting with number 10, believe
that your kids can handle it. Kids are amazingly resilient. What we
believe about that as parents affects our behavior toward them. When we believe
that they can handle it, we treat them differently than if we think they can't.
Or if we're constantly trying to apologize for or make up for the way
we've just ruined their life. Let's get past that and understand that they can
handle it. We're going to give them the resources that they need and we've still
got 9 more in our countdown. So let's go to number 9. Do not talk badly
about the other parent. Notice that I didn't say do not talk badly in front of
the children about the other parent. Yeah, we're taking
this to a higher level. Do not talk badly about the other parent.
Period. There's a lot of good reasons for this. I have seen children damaged even
though they didn't directly hear the negative comments because it changes the
energy of the entire family dynamic. And more importantly, it changes you. It gets
into your mind in a way that can be harmful to your kids. Now, that leads me
right to number 8. Don't even think badly about the other parent. Yeah, you
thought number 9 was tough. Try this one on. You've had some thoughts,
haven't you? Yeah, you have. And you're human, okay? We're going to give you a little
bit of a pass there. But only long enough for you to see that you're doing this.
This is huge in terms of creating a positive response for your kids. If
you're busy with all the angry, vitriolic, nasty thoughts going on in your
own mind, that will affect everything that you do.
Including your relationship with your kids. But I'm also talking at work. I'm
talking in your hobbies, I'm talking in your finances and all of your other
relationships. You can't isolate this thing and have the poison going on over
in this part of your brain While everything else is roses and tulips. No,
We got to clear out the poison. So, number 8 is don't even think badly about
the other parent. Now, let's go into number 7. Focus on your job. Your job
as a parent is to love these kids no matter what and even if. That is your
primary job as a parent. Don't get distracted by, "Oh, my job is to protect
them from the evil X that I'm soon to be divorced from." Or it's to make sure that
they don't get unduly influenced by that other parent. No. Put all that to rest and
get back to your job which is to love them no matter what
and even if. Take this from the kids perspective for a minute. From the
hundreds of kids that I've interviewed in child custody cases, common fear is
that their parents will somehow stop loving them. And this makes sense from a
child psychology point of view because if these two people who are together and
supposedly love each other, makes some kind of a choice where they no longer
love each other. What does that do to me as a child as my mom or my dad gonna
stop loving me too? See, you can see why they have this fear. They need to have
the reassurance that you as a parent will love them always in forever
no matter what and even if. Now, step up with me to number 6 on our countdown.
Reassure the kids that you, the adults (Plural) will handle all of the tough
questions. Like where they're going to live? How much time they're going to
spend with each parent? How they're going to make sure they have their stuff where
they need it, when they need it? Reassure the kids that you as the adults
are going to handle all of those tough issues. It is way too much of an
emotional burden for a child. And you know what? I would say this is true of
teenagers too. It's too much of a burden to have them call the shots. I'm
thinking of a friend and associate Frank Abagnale. You probably remember him from
the movie Catch Me If You Can. And Frank shared with me when he was on my podcast
the thing that tipped him over the thing that was the difficult trigger point
that sent him into that early life of crime was when he was asked point-blank
by a judge, "Which of your parents do you want to live with? Just give me a name."
That's way too much of a burden. He took off and became one of the most notorious
con men of all time. Since reformed and he's doing some amazing work serving
humanity and a lot of really cool ways. But that was too much for even
a teenager. What about for younger kids? Let's not place the burden on them. We
got to get past our own issues as adults to where we can take care of things for
our kids in a way that's going to make sense for them. Reassure them that you've
got this. And that kind of leads right into number 5 because parent issues
are not kid issues. Parent issues are not kid issues. The things that you're
worried about are not the same things that they're worried about. It's easy to
project that, you know? Because we get kind of selfish and narcissistic in our
own world and we think that the whole world is revolving around us. And we lose
sight of this. Your kids aren't worried about the same things that you're
worried about. The same things that you're fighting about with the other
parent. So, while you're thinking about well, "How many days am I going to have
the kids?" or "What's the child support arrangement?" Kids aren't thinking about
that. Kids are thinking about, "How am I going to get to my soccer game on
Saturday? What am I going to do about that math test that's coming up on Tuesday?" I
tell you what. If they're thinking about your issues then we're doing something
wrong and we're involving them way too much in the divorce dynamics. So keep
that in mind. Parent issues are not kid issues. Let
your kids be concerned about what they're concerned about and let's not
project our issues on to them. Which moves us right on up to number 4.
Coming in at number 4 on our list is take care of the problems in your world.
Most of the things you get concerned about (Be honest about this) are going on
in a world that you don't own. Picture one world that through separation
becomes two worlds. We can call it mom's world and dad's world. That's just a
simple way to label it. 2 very different worlds. Well, which one is the
kid's world? Well, picture kind of an intersection between those
two worlds. The kids live right there in that shared space. They belong in both
worlds. Most of the stuff you are concerned about is going on in that
other world, right? Yeah. You don't like the way that he does this. You're not...
You're not supportive of how she's handling that. Okay, right. You've got 2
very separate worlds. Handle the problems in your own world. That's where you have
at least some control so you want to take an approach where you're creating
the most sane, stable, loving, friendly environment that you possibly can in
your own world. You don't control the other world
so it's healthy for you to let that go. And I know you're thinking at this point,
"But Dr. Paul, it really is a problem over there." Right. And you don't have any
control. And to the extent that you try to take control over the problems that
are going on over there in that other world, you will create conflict, you will
create problems that then you and your children need to deal with. And I know,
yeah, yeah, I get it. It's a real problem but you don't have
control. So we're going to focus only on those things that you've control. You
create the most sane, stable, loving environment that you possibly can in
your own world. Got it? Okay. Now, we're up to the top
3. Coming in at number three on our countdown, stay in agent mode. Quick
explanation, there are only 2 choices you're going to be in victim mode. I call
that noxious and negativity or you're going to be in agent mode. I call that
pathological positivity. You got to pick one of those. And if you're blaming or if
you're saying I can't or if you're slipping into scarcity, that's all victim.
Stay in agent mode for yourself, for your kids. This is the
only way you get to be in control of your life without letting the X or the
circumstances or whatever determine how you feel. Right along with that is number
2 on our list. Take good care of yourself. So your kids don't have to.
They're worried about you. Especially if they're old enough to understand what's
going on. Kids get in this awkward position sometimes where they feel like
they have to take care of their parents. Not healthy. Not going to be good for you
either. Take good care of yourself so your kids don't have to. And number 1,
big surprise. Practice positivity. It is what it is.
I know it's hard, I know it's painful. I know that there's special circumstances
that are going on in your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get all of that. No matter what's
going on in your life, you have the power to remain positive no matter what. If
you're unsure how to do that, stick around here on the channel because we got a
lot of videos about staying positive. You know what? I will even give you a free
digital copy of my mini book. Portable Positivity. It explains a model. That's
going to make it absolutely clear to you. We'll put a link in the description down
below. Go find that. You can get all kinds of support here through the channel. Get
some coaching. Whatever you need to do to practice positivity because that changes
the whole game. You can absolutely do this and support your kids in the
process. I love how you who have subscribed to this channel get into
conversations down below in the comments. This is probably one that we could share
some ideas about. Vomment below and let's start a conversation.