-Over the weekend,
former President George W. Bush
released a video message calling
for unity amid the coronavirus pandemic,
prompting some Democrats and many in the media
to reminisce about his presidency and praise his tone,
compared to that of Donald Trump,
which brings us to a segment we call "Hey!"
[ Upbeat suspenseful theme plays ]
Hey! Democrats, that was a lovely video,
from what appears to be a very nice man,
but George W. Bush is not your friend.
He's still the guy who used fabricated evidence
to drag us into an intractable war.
I know you think of him, now,
as the guy who gives out free candy
and does weird portraits of Vladimir Putin,
but those are red flags, too.
If you go home with a guy and he says,
"Would you like to come up to my boudoir
to eat Twizzlers and look at my portraits of Gaddafi?"
Get outta there!
And, hey, you can criticize one bad president
without praising another bad president.
You've never seen a true crime documentary that says,
"The fact that Jeffrey Dahmer ate his victims
leads many to ask, 'Were we
too hard on Ted Bundy?'"
Yes, things are bad now, but, let's not forget --
Bush gave us the Iraq war, torture, the financial collapse,
the Katrina disaster,
and, of course, Ponchogate.
That was over three years ago
and they still haven't gotten him out.
I will give him credit for one thing, though --
Bush was coverin' his face
long before it was cool.
And, hey, Democrats, the Trump presidency
didn't just come outta nowhere.
Bush paved the way for him.
You know how we make fun of Trump
for generally being dumb and incurious and incompetent
and in the pocket of big corporations and the wealthy?
That was Bush's thing, too.
George W. Bush sucked at crawling
so that Donald Trump could suck at walking.
You remember how Trump got stuck in a hallway
and then stood there like a tiger caught
on a nature cam and stared directly in the lens?
Bush did that first!
Look at these two. They're the only two presidents
who managed to turn a press conference into an escape room.
[ As Bush ] Clue master, help us out.
[ As Trump ] We need help, clue master.
Look at that, ping-ponging back and forth
between "C-" impressions of presidents.
If we can't remember when presidents do bad things,
then more presidents are gonna come along
and do more bad things.
Do you wanna be back here in 8 or 12 years,
when the Republicans elect Mike Pence or Jeanine Pirro
or a racist potato with googly eyes,
saying, "You know what?
I miss the civility and grace of Donald Trump.
At least he had the decency and compassion
to acknowledge when something was truly...
[ As Trump ] Sad!
Hey, Democrats, if you wanna get out of this mess,
then you shouldn't be lowering the bar for what you praise.
You should be raising it.
Otherwise, we'll just be trapped
in this nightmare forever,
much like George W. Bush is still trapped in that poncho.
This has been "Hey!"
♪♪
We'll be right back with more "Late Night."