- We are back to play a little bit more Dream Daddy.
- I've been told they want more.
I don't know why again.
- It's been awhile.
I'm ready to dive back in to Craig's arms
and be uncomfortable about my obsession with a fake person.
- I told someone that I was doing this video
for a third time today and they say oh,
are you gonna marry Mister Vega?
And I said well I didn't know that that was an option.
And now the answer is yes.
- Let's get into date some daddies.
- While I'm doing my afternoon word jumbles,
I hear the mail truck pull through the cul de sac.
And I wonder if we got any coupons today.
Thrifty.
- The nice mail person slides a couple letters
and a large yellow envelope through the slot.
- Oh hey, that's me.
I forgot that I looked exactly like that person.
Manda?
She yells through the door.
What?
- She's kinda busy, she's probably mastur...
I don't want my daughter to be masturbating,
but she might be.
When I was teenager that's what I was doing in my bedroom.
- Just thought you'd wanna open
this big old envelope we got from hiya.
I know it's H-I-A,
but if you don't have whimsy, what do you have?
- We're gonna see if she got into the art institute.
- Horne Institute for the Arts?
They will not stop with this game.
Horne Institute for the Art, come on.
- And the suspense is killing me,
this is her dream school. (shouts)
- Oh good, she did get in.
Wait, am I gonna have to pay for this?
- We're celebrating tonight.
Dinner your choice.
Amanda and I walk along the bayside,
tearing into our foil-wrapped burritos.
Said wherever and she chose a burrito truck.
That's my daughter.
- [Game Narrator] Welcome, you've got dads.
- I've got dads.
It's time to go on a second date with Craig.
- I don't wanna talk to anyone else but Hugo.
Middle school teacher, high school teacher.
How do you do both?
How does he do both?
Get you a man who can do both.
- I'm gonna go for another round with Mat.
- I really want to get some good quality time with Craig.
Who doesn't?
I type out a message to him on Dadbooks.
- Do I want a cheeseboard?
Hugo responds within a few minutes.
Colin is still being a humongous shithead,
he won't stop sending me the same picture
of Jackie Chan in a mesh shirt to the printer
and it's a nice picture.
That's a funny kid.
Save a couple for me,
my Jackie Chan scrapbook is a little light.
Sorry about that,
Colin's in the principal's office now.
We got him.
- Hey man, been training on my run game recently.
Ready for round two?
Dude of course, emojis.
Let's meet up early tomorrow morning for
my favorite morning activity, brunch.
- This is the guy,
why don't we just walk over and grab some coffee?
Oh hey, this guy,
I forget his name, we met him last time.
Pablo, I didn't know you worked here.
Today's his first day.
Good, 'cause Mat's training him.
Ah there's Mat.
Hi Mat.
I see you met my newest employee.
At your service, although I only here
so Vacant Veil starts their world tour.
Alright Pablo.
Hey man, the concert was a lot of fun.
We should hang out again.
Hell yes, says Mat.
I'm actually going to be done
training Pablo in a couple hours,
wanna go record shopping?
And I do wanna come along, yes.
Last time we hung out he told me that he had
trouble hanging out with other people
and for some reason I can talk
and just laugh like old buds, it's weird.
I feel really comfortable around him.
I think we're gonna hit it off.
I think Mat's my future baby step daddy.
Look at those eyes,
look at those glasses.
Man, he's doing a program.
- I walk into a quaint French dinner
and Hugo waves me down to a booth.
Do you to want a scorecard for trivia?
What?
Who are these people?
Hey guys, you all here for the ol question and answers game?
See what we can do to not hurt your feelings too bad.
I will destroy you.
I will raze your homestead and burn your crops,
salting the earth in my wake.
I like it.
Although Hugo didn't.
Brian, Mat, and their daughters get the (bleep) away.
Well I guess we need a name.
We sure do, got any good ideas?
Hmm.
Ahh! Real Munsters, that's good.
We're gonna Havarti like it's 1999.
Hugo raises his glass at me,
cheers to cheese.
- Craig is already outside with River strapped to his chest.
It's Craig time.
Morning Craig.
River gonna be running with us?
Best as she can.
Craig hands her a stuffed toy
which makes her smile ear to ear.
That's Arnold the Caypbara.
Sometimes it's the only thing
that'll get her to stop crying.
So where we headed?
I was thinking that we could go
a couple laps around the park,
then we'll do some hill climbs up a slope.
And then we'll close it off my doing some
wilderness survival hike running to increase our agility.
I thought it was just a run.
- Craig and I finally arrive at the park.
Now my question.
Does Craig know this is a date?
Because at this point it's very un-date like.
We're just running together.
I look down and pick up Arnold, River's toy,
and hand it back to her.
Must've dropped this.
Thanks for looking out, bro.
You ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.
- So we're in the record store now.
Man this is a little overwhelming.
Here, let me help you find something you might like.
Wow.
Such a gentleman.
If you were a milkshake,
what would your favorite flavor be?
Vanilla, strawberry, or purple.
Purple's not.
What?
Cookies'n'cream got that chocolaty vibe to it.
I'm gonna give him that 'cause everybody
wants a little chocolate.
If you could buy one type of candle scent
for the rest of your life,
what would it be?
Powerviolence cherryblossom sounds like a weird sex move.
It sounds like powerbottom,
that's what I keep thinking of and I don't
wanna be that forward with him.
I'm gonna go with spring creek fireball.
What's your deepest, darkest fear?
Wow Mat, we're getting deep here.
I fear that I don't deserve happiness
and whenever I get it,
wow, okay.
Real, real talk, I've had moments where I've honestly
questioned if I'm literally just
beating my head against a wall
and if this is all a figment of my imagination.
I'm gonna click that 'cause I feel like this is my real self
telling my matrix self to get out of the matrix.
So I'm gonna see if this clicks and does anything.
(click)
Okay, I'm still here.
Nevermind, this is real.
Mat runs to the other end of the store,
returns holding a record behind his back.
This is Smokey Rolls Down Thunder Canyon
by Devendra Banhardt.
I hope this isn't a real person
and I'm just butchering her name.
I'm just gonna pretend that I like it.
You're gonna have a great time with it, I promise.
I love when Mat promises things.
Mat and I bring the records to the cash register.
The usual stuff today, Mat?
Wow, he knows everybody.
The cashier rings Mat up
and hands the albums back in the bag.
Is the open mic night still on?
You know it.
There's an open mic night going on?
We do it every month at the Coffee Spoon.
Oh.
You and Amanda should come by.
I don't want him to be telling me
to invite my daughter on a date.
Oh god, I'm in the friends zone.
I'm in the friends zone.
Wow.
Oh wait, he blushes.
I mean, if you're not doing anything.
Quzzmaster Quinn, everybody ready for some T-R-I-V-I-A?
If you're gonna all caps it,
that's how I'm gonna read it.
The restaurant cheers.
Who was the writer that created Tarzan
and John carter of Mars?
I know this one.
Edgar Rice Burroughs.
Edmond Dantes is better known as this man.
The Count of Monte Cristo.
Hello, I'm smart.
The Quizzmaster walks around and he's doing crowd work.
He stops by mine and Hugo's table.
Anytime anyone walks up to my table,
I know that they're about to talk to me,
there's just no word for the amount
of anxiety that wells up inside me, go away.
This is not dream Quizzmaster.
In Return of the Jedi,
who does Luke ask Leia if she remembers?
Not a big Star Wars fan.
I think Star Trek is better.
Don't put that in the video,
nobody will like me.
- [Kelsey] I don't like you.
(laughter)
- We're neck and neck and Brian and Mat's team.
I look over to their table,
give them a friendly but competitive nod.
What is that look like?
This is the lightning round.
I look over to Hugo,
he's focused, he's in it to win it.
This was the original name of
Stone Cold Steve Austin in his debut.
Hugo's hand shot up.
Steve Austin debuted as the Ringmaster.
That is correct, boom.
We're destroying these questions.
How do you know so much about wrestling?
Oh, I, you know, just pick stuff up.
That sounds suspect,
but it seems like he doesn't wanna talk about it.
- Finally finish our however many
teenth lap around the park.
You really pushed me to my limit just now.
I can't believe I held on.
Sometimes you just need someone there
to push you to do your absolute best.
This is so romantic because Craig
is gonna make us a better person.
Wanna take it slow for a bit?
I would like that very much.
Let's take it slow,
let's take it slow with Craig.
As we're catching our breath,
River starts crying.
Oh no.
What's wrong sweetpea?
You wanna play with Arnold?
Craig looks around.
Man down, I think we lost Arnold.
Oh no.
River keeps wailing.
Oh no, don't ruin my date River.
Maybe I'm gonna find Arnold and then impress Craig.
Okay, that our mission.
It should be simple, right?
We gotta retrace our steps.
Yeah, get it Clark.
Craig and I jog down the path searching
high and low for the stuffed Capybara.
We get to the place where River might have dropped it,
but it's still nowhere to be found.
It looks like we've got a mystery on our hands.
Dude, it's time for a bro-adventure.
A broventure, perfect.
We're taking this bad situation,
but we're turning it into a great bonding experience.
We carefully comb through the fields of grass and flowers
and while looking Craig calls out
to me from across the field.
I approach, my heart in my throat.
As I lean over Craig, I see it.
This is Arnold's leg.
I thought we would've just dropped it.
Why is his leg ripped off?
My god, who or what would do this?
Look at river,
she looks so sad.
She's just holding on to her emotions.
- Where was the last time you smoked pot?
Mat stops and thinks for a moment.
It's been decades.
Oh, dude me too.
That's a lie.
You wanna get high and listen to the new records?
Wow, I'm flooding the basement.
This is a turn-on for me.
Marry me, take me now.
Mat pulls out his phone and starts texting.
What, he has a weed guy?
She's said to meet her in the alley near the coffee shop.
Coming around the corner is one of those
nasty greasy dumpsters shrouded in darkness
is a lean figure dressed in all black.
This is (bleep) creepy.
I don't wanna have like a real actually creepy drug dealer,
I feel your weed guys should be like, I'm Marvin.
Oh Marvin looks scary as (bleep).
Wait, this is Lucien's son.
I'm not that surprised though,
Lucien seems like he would do it.
Prove your cool says Lucien.
Show him you're not wearing a wire,
impress his with your extensive knowledge
of current drug lingo,
cite mutually assured destruction.
I just kinda wanna see what me
doing the drug lingo would be 'cause I feel like
I don't know the drug lingo.
But I really wanna get weed.
Let me just show him I'm not wearing a wire.
Oh it worked.
I lift up my shirt and prove that I'm not wearing a wire.
Oh Jesus, put that away please.
Alright Lucien, calm down.
Sigh, alright.
How much do you want?
(laughs) I say one.
That's honestly how I would order weed though.
Just don't tell my dad,
let's forget this ever happened.
Hands me a baggie.
Let's head back to my place.
Yes Mat, let's head back to your place.
- Alright, alright, alright.
Looks like we're down to the final category
and it's a close one between Prvolone Two Lost in New York,
Brian and Mat high-five,
and Havarti like it's 1999.
Let's do this.
Bow-bow.
The finally category is cool animals.
What does that mean?
Beavers?
Yes, when I think of cool animals,
beavers is the first place I go.
They change their environment more than
any other mammal except for humans.
That is amazing.
What animal has the thickest concentration of fur in nature?
Let's say the polar bear.
Alright Quizzmaster Quinn,
let's do it, who won?
(bleep) Well Provolone Two Lost in New York won.
Brian and Mat run up and grab a coupon.
If they say anything to me, it is on.
They haven't heard the last of Havarti like it's 1999.
Mm, they probably have.
- I guess we'll check out the squirrels.
Maybe the squirrels took it?
Oh, I said the tree.
There they are.
Hey, I got it.
Look at the hearts.
River seems happy.
This may have brought us some extra time.
Great, we maneuver back to the field.
Oh okay, so the squirrels just made River happier.
Let's go to another park.
Try to calm River down,
interrogate Joseph.
Let's interrogate Joseph.
Hey guys, didn't think to see you out here.
Clark, are you exercising?
Why does he say that with a note of questioning?
What are you reading?
Oh just a book on knots and rope tying.
For boats, boat ropes.
Right.
(chuckles) That's so sketchy.
Say, you didn't happen to see
a stuffed Capybara around here?
What's a Capybara?
Okay it's a rodent.
Hmm, haven't seen one around.
I'll tell the kids to keep an eye out.
Your kids are here?
They were here a second ago.
Suspicious.
His kids are so scary.
I hate his kids.
Oh my god, his children are terrifying.
They all look like The Shining.
They just keep blinking at me. (laughs)
Do you where they could have run off to?
They're kids, they get into mischief sometimes,
but they always come back.
That sounds a little suspect, Joseph.
Nah, I mean that's a little sketchy to say so.
We're just gonna say thanks for your help.
But I do think it's suspect.
If anyone would rip a leg off of a Capybara,
it would be those children.
Let's try to calm River down.
Uh, he loved it.
He loved that I care about his daughter.
- Carmenista is having a sleepover tonight,
so it's just us.
Oh.
Mat pulls one of the records out of the bag
and puts it in for us.
He rolled a blunt for us and he hands me the lighter.
The blunt.
I love that I say the blunt.
Well, I feel like open up that nug sounds really,
I hope he doesn't hate this.
Don't hate this.
Oh.
He hates that I said open that nug.
Damn it, I'm sorry Mat.
I didn't mean it.
Mat takes a hit and his eyes go wide.
That's not weed.
Wait a minute, what the (bleep) are we smoking?
Do we have like crystal meth or something?
We do develop a taste of meth.
No, no, takes another hit and winces.
Yeah, this is oregano.
Are you kidding me?
We're smoking oregano?
That little asshole gave us oregano.
(laughs) This is kinda funny,
but like I would be pissed if I bought
what I thought was weed and it's just oregano.
We can relax and enjoy the music sober.
Damn, I feel so bad.
You know what, you're right.
We sit and listen to the Diet Cig album.
I look around the room,
we see pictures of his daughter growing up
and the young woman smiling in pictures of the two.
Who's that?
Oh, that's Rosa.
It was Carmensita's mother,
she died when she was young.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Were you two in a band together?
Yeah, that was the reason I was touring
so much when I was younger.
We traveled the whole country in a rinky-dink little van.
Once she became pregnant with Carmenista
we put down roots in their favorite
town of play which was right here.
Oh Mat, this is so sad.
I'll be Rosa for you.
My name's Ryan, it's close.
Since she was a kid,
Rosa had a dream of her own quiet little coffee shop.
God, okay, this is a lot.
I feel like unloading your ex,
that baggage is a lot to put on me.
Damn, how did I get the conversation here?
I really am not doing well with dates.
- Hugo and I walked back to our cul-de-sac
full of cheese and a sense of defeat.
Brian's good, but I saw some technical weaknesses
that I think we can exploit for the next trivia night.
Talking about future plans together,
seeing if he's into it.
I gotta know where do you know the wrestling stuff?
Well, if I know anything about relationships,
and I don't,
it's that when people seem not
to want to talk about something
you should always pressure them to do so.
Just kidding, drop it.
No big deal, good trivia night.
Let's get the band back together.
It's more of a duo.
Date complete, wow.
Well, I got a C.
And that's okay.
Relationships are work.
I guess we shall see.
- They go away to the outskirts of the park.
There are a couple of benches by the dense treeline,
looks like Robert here all by himself.
Alright, we gotta interrogate Robert.
Maybe Robert did it.
Hey, Rob.
Don't call me that.
Okay.
Hi Robert.
Don't call me that either.
Okay, Robert's in a bad mood.
I have to get a solid two or three hours
of brooding in per day, filling quotas.
I can't tell if he's joking or if he's being serious,
but I think either way it's weird.
Hm, I'll be a good cop.
Come on Robert, the sooner you tell us what you know,
the sooner we can let you get back to brooding.
Bad cop time.
Robert, if you don't help us
I'm gonna put you in a headlock.
Oh, back off.
Oh that didn't work.
I think we should stick with Robert though,
I think he knows something.
I'm gonna be a bad cop now.
Robert, I'm gonna be vaguely threatening
until you tell us something useful.
Oh no.
Clock's ticking dude.
Where we going next?
I don't know.
I don't know what to do.
I guess the field.
Interrogate River?
Be a good cop.
Oh he liked it.
Oh no, he had to rain-check on brunch.
Alright, good luck bro.
Thanks bro.
Mother flapjacks.
Let's see how he did.
B, okay it's not the worst.
We tried our best and I think Craig
will appreciate that we tried.
I just didn't succeed,
not mad about it. (chuckles)
- Mat gets up and flips the record over.
Next to the turn table it's a dusty piano.
Do you play?
I'm out of practice.
No, I'm sure you're good Mat.
Play your feelings, play it out.
I used to jam on the keys back in the day.
I did?
Oh god.
No way, you had a ska phase?
Of course I did.
Phase? Ska never dies.
Except for the Skammunist Manifesto,
who broke up after the senior talent show.
Mat pulls out the piano bench.
Gimme some of that two-tone love.
Now Mat, careful what you ask for.
I'll give you some two-tone love alright.
I'm not two-tone, I'm the same tone,
but you now, I'll give him what he wants.
Let's see if I still got it.
I sit down at the piano.
Go with the classics,
stick to your ska roots,
anyway, here's Wonderwall.
(laughs) I'm gonna go with ska.
He seemed to really be into it.
I think I'm doing it, playing Ska.
Wait, that's just Smoke in the Water.
Mat, I've forgotten how to play.
Alright buddy, can you top that?
No, it's been a long time.
Never too late to get back into it.
Oh, that's a line.
Sounds like I'm talking about the piano,
but really I'm talking about dating.
Mat stares at the piano for a second.
Okay.
Oh whoa, there's eggpants emojis.
I did it, I did it.
Closes his eyes and runs his fingers over the keys.
He breathes in deep and starts to play a melody.
Wow, wow.
Mat is really doing it for me right now.
Look at his eyes, his eyes are closed.
He's in his own zone.
He's getting turned on.
This is so cool. (squeals)
Mat finishes the song and actually opens his eyes.
He looks at me. (exclaims)
Those soft eyes, how was that?
It was everything Mat.
Are you gonna pull that out for the open mic night?
Oh no, I never play those.
What?
I just don't like being up there and alone
and having so many people stare at me.
He doesn't wanna be alone.
Well I'll join him.
I don't wanna push him any further.
Alright, I just hope you know that you make beautiful music.
Thanks.
Mat and I listen to more records until it gets late
and I decide that I need to go to bed.
Damn.
He walks me to the door.
Night.
Damn it, another B.
We're gonna keep going.
I wonder if Amanda's still awake?
- As I pass her room I hear a faint sound.
- Is she crying?
- I need to make sure she's okay so I open the door.
- Is everything okay?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Oh no, she's being a teenager on me.
- When it was relationships if they said
they didn't wanna talk about it leave it alone.
This is my daughter and she can talk to me about anything.
And sometimes when they say
they don't wanna talk about it,
they really do.
So the lesson here is, life is tough.
- I guess I'll leave her alone.
- Instead of heading for the kitchen like she usually does,
she makes the beeline to her room.
Hey, pumpkin.
What?
- I wanna say sorry about last night.
Why am I apologizing?
I'm just worried about you kid.
- Whatever it is I want you to know
that you have a dad in your corner
who wants you to be happy.
Clark's got you.
Also, he's a superhero.
So if it's a villain-related thing,
he's got you.
- Oh god, she's pregnant.
She's pregnant.
She's gotta be.
- Pull a cake out of the fridge.
Ta-da.
- Oh wow, this is the cutest cake ever.
Says sorry you're sad, but I support you 100%.
There are three candles on it.
That's like the most depressing
dad-like cake I've ever seen,
but it's the best thing ever.
I'm a good (bleep) dad.
- So it's really stupid.
What is?
So you know how Emma R's going to
that fancy art school in California, right?
Emma R?
- Oh shit.
Um, best friend.
I'm a good dad and a good guesser.
- Ever since I got the acceptance letter,
I've been feeling like she's drifting away, you know?
- She's been spending a lot more time with Grace and Emma P.
I just thought it was all in my head for awhile,
but then I found out from Rosie M that both of the Emmas,
this is like a math equation.
Holy moly.
- Wait, they when to a party without her?
Yikes.
- Just another important piece of information.
Uh god, this is embarrassing,
but I have a crush on Noah.
- Wow.
Okay, she has a crush, she has a crush.
So she really might be pregnant.
Aw, he's gonna break her heart.
He's in love with one of the Emmas.
He's gotta be.
- And then one day in invite everyone out
to get nachos at the mall and after not texting me back
for like two hours--
- I'm the same way.
If you don't text me after five minutes, I'm angry.
- So I go to the mall anyway and I get to the food court
and they're all there.
Oh my gosh, that sucks.
Then I realized that Noah has his arm around Emma R
and then they kiss.
Oh no.
- Now I have to kill him.
There's no other option.
Noah's gotta die.
- And immediately a super long text to the group
asking them why they were being so weird.
And I wrote another one to Emma R
asking how long the Noah thing's been going on.
- Yeah, wait a minute.
Emma knew about this Noah thing and she still went for it?
That means Emma's a bitch.
Emma is a shitty friend.
You shouldn't wanna be friends with Emma.
(bleep) her.
I'm sorry that I'm so upset at this teenage girl.
Okay, so now I have to kill Emma too.
- And I told her that she's being a really terrible friend.
And she's like well if you think I'm so terrible
then stop being my friend.
I was like okay.
And then she left her on read.
Oh no.
- Left on read is the worst thing ever.
You might as well punch my mom.
Like it's the same thing,
it's just as bad.
- I don't know what that means.
Is that when they read the thing
and then don't respond?
- Bottom line is that everyone dropped me.
Half of my grade hates me,
now I have no friends.
- That's bad.
I know that much.
Amanda, I'm so sorry.
If you don't know what to say,
just say I'm so sorry.
It works all the time.
Please don't show this to my girlfriend,
'cause that's a response I use a lot.
- It's a stupid thing to be upset over.
Manda, your feelings are real.
Don't ever be mad at yourself for having feelings.
That's something I would actually say.
Did we just eat a whole cake?
Yeah we did.
- That's how I know she's my daughter
'cause I would sit and eat an entire cake over gossip.
- Amanda gets up to go to her room.
Before she closes her door she turns around
and she goes hey, thanks dad.
You're always welcome.
Love you, Manda.
I love you too, Dad.
What a moment.
- Thank you guys so much for watching.
If you enjoyed it,
make sure to give us a thumbs up.
Comment below which daddy you're interested in
and also if there was a way that I messed up that date
you can let me know in the comments.
I just wanna know if I messed it up.
- I really was hoping that this date ended with us boning.
(laughs) Date number three,
that's gonna be the one.
Because I'm classy so I have to wait three dates anyway.
- So who knows where this will lead,
but I still have hope.
So we're gonna find out.
(bright music)