- Our Patreon recommended
that I diagnose SpongeBob episodes.
Let's just do Nickelodeon and get a bunch in there.
See if your favorite show's reviewed.
- I'll cater to your every whim
until that leg of yours is entirely healed.
- I don't know what injury she has,
but that's a full leg cast above the knee.
I don't know what injury she has.
- Say, that's not a bad idea.
Ow!
(vase crashing)
Oh, oh! - Angelica, what happened?
- Munchausen syndrome in full effect.
When a patient pretends to be ill
in order to gain attention and/or sympathy.
There's actually a Munchausen by proxy
where someone can actively make their child ill
to get attention and sympathy for the both of them.
It's a really devastating illness
'cause it presents so many complications.
The doctor has to even suspect
that it's potentially happening.
- What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna take pictures of your insides.
Say cheese!
- We don't give full body X-rays for a leg pain.
There's no point of that.
It's just exposing you to more radiation.
They're targeted.
- It's kind of strange at first,
but after a while you get to like it.
- When the x-ray tech or the radiology specialist
is in there with you, they actually start the machine up,
go behind a wall so they're protected
because otherwise they'd get exposed
to so much radiation over the dozens
and dozens of tests they do in a given day.
It's not healthy
- We'll be sick forever,
unless I can extract some mitochondria
from the virus and make a vaccine.
- Okay, medically he just spoke gibberish.
Getting the mitochondria, the energy center of the cell
not the powerhouse of the cell,
will not allow you to create a vaccine.
If you wanna create a vaccine
you create a protein on the surface of it.
Then you put it into the body
and allow the immune system to recognize it.
You know, the way that we traditionally make vaccines.
I don't know what he's talking about.
(laser zapping)
- Look, there's Carl's brain.
- Where, I don't see it?
Is it behind that walnut on a stick?
- Your brain is a lot bigger than that.
♪ I've got people inside me ♪
Why whenever they do medical procedures on cartoons
they strap people in like it's a torture device?
All right, they just traveled into the stomach.
So right away, if this was to happen,
the acid would melt their little inflatable raft here,
and they would fall into the acid, and lose their lives.
Which is why, by the way,
drinking alkalized water is complete horse poop.
The reason I say it is because when you
drink the alkalized water,
that means it has like a pH of eight instead of seven,
it falls into your stomach acid, which has a pH of like two.
What do you think happens to the pH of eight
when it mixes with a huge container of pH of two?
No longer alkaline.
- Well, where to next, Douglas?
The mountains, the arctic?
- I feel like these are the current devices we have now.
You hop on a Peloton and it's like
where do you wanna ride, through what trail?
And to me, I understand a lot of people
don't have time to go outside,
or the weather's not cooperative,
but like folks, spend some time outdoors.
It's cool too.
(Doug grunting)
- No, no, you need to start out slow, Doug.
See, the important thing is not to strain yourself.
- Amazing advice!
No joke, in a cartoon.
Right now, I had to just get back into working out.
I used to bench like 255, 285 during my workouts.
The other day I was doing 95, and it's okay.
It bruises the ego, but it strengthens the muscles.
(bubbles popping)
- Nothing like a sea-nut butter
and jellyfish jelly sandwich.
- Ew, sea-nut butter, that sounds gross.
- To help you get to sleep.
- And ideally you don't wanna eat too close to bedtime
'cause then your stomach produces
all those gastric juices, highly acidic.
And then when you lie down,
and you're parallel to the floor,
and the gastric juices starts coming up, you get heartburn.
(Gary snoring)
Smelly fridge syndrome?
(SpongeBob groaning)
- The fridge!
- No lie, that's how I sleep.
I love it freezing.
I like to sleep with multiple covers,
with a hoodie on sometimes.
I actually just got one of these cooling mattresses.
Maybe it's 'cause I grew up in Siberia.
And when I was in my mom's womb
I was like freezing all the time.
So I wanna go back to that.
That's why I always sleep in the fetal position.
(Gary meows)
- Don't be silly Gary, I don't get colds.
I get the suds.
No Gary, if I had the suds
I'd have bubbles coming out of me.
(SpongeBob sneezes)
- Oh no, he has the suds.
Grandma was right to a degree.
If you go outside and your hair is wet, or you get a chill,
it doesn't mean that you're gonna get sick.
It can just make you a little bit more susceptible
than you were before.
- Hey, SpongeBob.
- I'm sick, Patrick
- I'm gonna go ahead and guess that he has a adenovirus.
'Cause you know, he has the conjunctiva that's inflamed,
he has the upper respiratory symptoms.
I don't know if he has diarrhea.
I mean, he probably doesn't have diarrhea
'cause he's a cartoon sponge after all.
But if a cartoon sponge was to have diarrhea,
and inflamed conjunctiva,
and upper respiratory symptoms, adenovirus.
- I know a guy who knows a guy who went to the doctor once
and the doctor's office is a horrible, horrible place!
- It is not!
We have fun there!
- Well first, they make you sit in the waiting room.
- Is that the horrible part, Patrick?
- No, it gets worse!
They make you read old magazines!
- I don't know why that is.
Can we update our magazine collection
in the medical offices for God's sake?
Who wants to read about People magazine from 2006?
I mean, we know Britney was killing it back then,
but we wanna know what's up now.
Is that the year she was killing it?
- Then the doctor pulls out his stethoscope!
It's a device so sinister, so icy cold
when it touches your bare flesh, it (hisses).
- Honestly, the cold stethoscope is one of
the meanest things a provider can do for you.
Every time before I make contact with a patient's chest
and/or back to listen to lungs, I do one of these.
(teapot whistling)
And I get of the warmth of my hand onto the stethoscope.
It's the least you can do for your patients!
- You gotta help me get better, Patrick.
Please.
- I'm so excited to see what Patrick's about to recommend.
If he says Manuka honey,
I might give a starfish a high-five.
(SpongeBob sneezes)
I have been a doctor for like seven, eight years.
Medical school, four years.
I do not know what that thing is on Patrick's head
that doctors used to wear back in the day.
It doesn't make sense.
It reflects light.
It has a hole in the middle.
I have no idea what it is, what it does.
I've even worn it as part of a Halloween costume.
- Oh my God, I actually look like a doctor.
- It appears as though we'll have to plug up these holes.
This oughta do the trick.
Voila!
Feel better?
- I don't know.
- I'm gonna do a hyper-analysis here.
See what's happening is, instead of treating
SpongeBob's core illness, he's treating the symptoms only.
If this is a viral illness,
that's a perfectly acceptable way of going about it.
To allow the immune system time to heal,
to rest, to improve itself.
But if it's a bacterial infection
we're missing it, and we're treating symptoms,
and not treating the underlying cause.
Could be a big cause for concern there, Patrick.
My lawyers will be in touch.
Or as my legal legal eagle friend says it,
I'll see you in court! - I'll see you in court.
(Patrick grunts)
- Feeling better yet?
- Not really.
- Why'd he pull out his tooth?
- How about now?
- (grunting) I don't think so.
- Actually, you may think this is silly,
this is something we sort of do in the hospitals.
It's called chest physical therapy.
If a patient has a lot of mucus,
we actually have specialized beds that perform
this like thumping feature that helps clear out the mucus.
In patients who have cystic fibrosis.
we actually need this type of chest physical therapy
to be done on a regular basis in order to help them
expel that mucus and prevent blockages in the airways.
Kind of crazy that SpongeBob has
some level of medical accuracy, who knew?
- So it seems you have the suds.
Are you ready for your treatment?
- The doctor's wearing the thing again,
what is that thing, what is it doing?
And why is there a fish anatomy
in the background when there's a sponge patient?
Different species.
- Well it looks like your gluteus maximus
has made a full recovery.
- Ooh, his gluteus maximus.
They're using proper anatomical terms.
I guess he tore a muscle in his buttock.
- Your butt's all better.
It's really quite amazing.
- I love that they did an x-ray.
First of all, you can't x-ray gluteus maximus.
You can't x-ray muscles.
You can x-ray bones, joints, but not muscles.
- It took 20 hours to put it all back together.
We actually ran out of staples and had to use a glue stick.
- There is a fact here.
In closing skin, there are both of those options.
For example, if you get a cut on your skull,
you can actually close it with staples.
It works quite well.
If you get a small cut on your hand
we have skin glue that can keep it together.
Isn't that cool?
SpongeBob, what's up?
- Ah doctor, thank goodness you're here.
- They're wearing the thing on the heads again!
- And what seems to be the problem today?
(patient coughing)
- My throat hurts!
- Why is this patient admitted inpatient
into a hospital for a throat ache?
With again, a chart on the bedside
that looks like a stock market chart
more than it does an EKG?
What even is that?
- I'll need one medical sea chicken.
- What's a medical sea chicken?
(patient giggling)
(patient coughs)
- Hey, my keys!
And my throat feels better.
- He's not a doctor of humans.
He's a vet because they're in a fish tank,
or at the bottom of the ocean.
And there's a catfish that ate some keys.
And didn't have strep throat, but had key throat!
- [Man] You sold that one.
Subscribe!
- Key throat. - Key throat.
- Oh no, a little laryngitis.
- Oh those tonsils are really enlarged, Gerald.
- Oh, tonsillitis.
- I think we should take them out.
- Now we're trying to move away from doing tonsillectomies.
We're weighing the risks versus benefits here.
And we have a set of guidelines that we follow.
If you have X number of strep throats, or tonsillitis,
or pharyngitis, that we get you set up with an ENT
who then makes the decision
whether or not they need to come out.
Now we're trying to do our best to manage it medically
and not have to resort to a surgical operation
if we don't need to.
That doesn't mean you won't get surgery.
I'm just saying, there's options on the table.
Ow.
- What am I gonna do, Arnold?
- Maybe if you gargle or something.
- Gargling is actually not a bad option.
Also, honey.
You know I love my honey.
- Are you having problems with your you know what?
- No, my fagiggly gland is fine.
- His what gland?
- No, it's not.
Cosmo's fagiggly gland is--
- Fagiggly gland.
I wonder what the fagiggly gland is.
- The special, magical organ in a fairy's body
that allows us to change shape.
- What? - Is Cosmo sick?
- Let me put this to you in terms Cosmo could understand.
Yes!
- Why does the doctor keep putting the glasses on,
taking them off?
And why is the stethoscope floating?
I need ex-- And he's wearing that thing!
What is that thing?
(kids groaning)
Oh no, walking dead again.
(dramatic music)
Why are they all jaundiced?
(kid yells)
- What the? - He looks okay.
- 986 degrees.
- 98.6 degrees, normal body temperature.
- this morning our house became infested
with an acute febrile contagious virus,
or as it's known on the street, the flu.
- Ooh, the flu.
We haven't been seeing much of that lately.
- With 13 Louds packed into 1200 square feet,
when someone gets sick it spreads like the plague.
- That's true, actually.
In like college dorm rooms, military barracks,
anytime you have people living in close proximity
it's very easy for one person to get sick,
and then to get everybody else sick.
- In case we're attacked,
this concoction will slow down the infected.
- What is it, boogers?
- Tastes like chicken soup. - Oh.
- That's because it is chicken soup.
- I'd be just shooting that in my mouth all day.
I love chicken soup.
(Sokka yelling)
- They won't let go!
Help!
- Stop making so much noise.
It's just a purple pentapus.
- Oh, it's a purple pentapus.
Never heard of a purple pentapus.
I don't know why this popped into my head.
Have you ever heard of molluscum contagiosum?
It sounds really serious, but it's not really
that scary of a virus that causes
these little skin pearly papules to pop up.
It happens more often in kids.
People who share towels.
Sometimes they're sexually transferred.
I like when they just rub 'em like that, (squeaking)
and they just pop right off.
(raucous music)
Organ school.
- Good morning, class.
- [Students] Good morning, Miss Pancreas.
- Miss Pancreas!
- Miss Pancreas.
- Yes, Bladder?
- That doesn't look like a bladder,
that looks like a lemon.
- Can I go to the bathroom?
- And ironic that the bladder asked to go.
- [Miss Pancreas] You'll have to wait 'til after roll call.
- Oh my god, this is so embarrassing.
I remember in like second or third grade
I asked the teacher to go to the bathroom and she said no.
And I peed myself in class.
Someone said like, oh, what's that liquid next to your desk?
I'm like, I spilled a water bottle. (laughing)
Thank God my pants dried quickly.
So embarrassing!
I can't believe I'm talking about it.
Kids sometimes ask me weird medical questions.
Click here to check that out.
And as always, stay happy and healthy.
(upbeat music)