Sometimes I find dating apps difficult -
trying to avoid any sort of dick pics.
I'm just not really interested in the body.
I would rather see a girl in a nice comfy jumper
or something like that.
I feel attracted to people.
It's sort of more like romantic attraction.
Like, I look at him and think I would cuddle him.
I still want to be in a relationship, I just can't have sex.
It's the one thing I can't do.
Growing up, like in high school and stuff,
I just never really had crushes.
I just sort of thought other people were making it up when they did.
Like really? Cos I didn't feel that way.
So I just assumed, like, nobody else did.
I haven't really had much confidence anyway,
so I was scared of talking to boys.
I'd prefer to pretend that none of us have genitals.
Like it's just skin.
Like a Barbie or a Ken doll or something.
Like that'd be an ideal world for me.
I just like cuddling.
Erm, I do like kissing as well, erm, if they're a good kisser.
Like, can't deal with someone, like, trying to eat my face.
Like that just creeps me out.
Erm, it would be nice to think that I'm not going to be on my own
forever.
But erm, I just don't really put
myself out there and try to date cos it's...
I just kind of think, well, it's never going to go anywhere unless I
find someone who is also asexual.
But then I kind of think, "Well, what are the chances of that?"
Throughout my youth, I was quite, I guess,
confused about how I thought about people.
You know, I was attracted to men but not attracted to them sexually.
So was I really even attracted to them?
I had a relationship with a woman that sort of broke down,
but I didn't really know why that was.
And then, I think, you know,
started to understand that actually
I wasn't sexually attracted to them either.
I'm not sexually attracted to anyone.
I'm attracted to men for non-sexual, physical intimacy.
But erm, actually getting to a point where...
..having a long-term relationship might mean that there's some sort of
negotiation or agreement.
If it's someone that wanted to have sex, but I wasn't up for it,
then actually would I be happy with them having sex with someone else?
I'm not sure if that would be a problem for me.
If it's a, you know, something they desire to do, but
I can't offer that, but they still value me in other ways,
then I think that's probably...
That's probably OK for me.
Gaming is very addictive because it's more fun than real life,
and it's easier than real life.
You just say the right thing, follow the script, and it works out.
It's all good.
It's a real shame that sex is such a big thing.
And if it wasn't so important,
it would be a lot easier for people like me to have relationships.
You know, a lot of people,
they walk away the instant you say that, "I'm asexual."
They'll sort of take a step back from you like they think you're
contagious. You very much get,
"Aww, you've just never had the right person,"
or, "You've just never been done right."
You know, there's some very inelegant things have been said to
me about it.
A lot of men think they can start fixing you immediately by getting
handsy, and it's absolutely not.
Absolutely no. You wouldn't do that to anyone.
The worst incident, I actually was attacked,
and I very much felt that the only way I was going to get out of that
situation was to give him a hand job and then get out as quickly as
possible whilst pretending that everything was fine, you know.
And so, obviously, it is best to tell people very, very early.
Otherwise, a lot of people will feel as though they've been led on and as
though they've been cheated.
There's that perfect ideal situation where you tell them,
and they will sort of go, "Oh, me too!"
Or if they would just be like, "That's OK,
"I don't think relationships should be built on sex."
But I think if somebody said that to me now, I'd just be gobsmacked.
You know it won't happen.
But there's always that hope that it might.
I've been single for five and a half years now,
and I have never had sex...
..which is weird for my friends and everything because they're just
like, "How have you not had sex?"
Jesus!
I can sense that you're uncomfortable in here.
Yeah.
Well, it's just all about sex.
Yeah. I have no idea what that is.
Do you find these women attractive at all?
Not massively, no. Erm...
So if you, erm, were to see a woman in these sort of outfits,
how would you feel? Would you feel, you know, turned on by that,
or...?
I just don't get any enjoyment from it.
It's not like I've got a low libido or anything.
It's more like this doesn't do anything for my brain.
Do you masturbate? Is that like a thing?
Cos if you're not sexually active, you don't...
Do you masturbate?
but I'm not interested in it.
It doesn't, it doesn't do anything for me.
It's hard for me to understand that, really,
because I know a lot of guys masturbate.
So when it comes to you being asexual, and you don't enjoy it...
Yeah, it's just not my thing, not my cup of tea.
How can you tell whether it's
friendship or a relationship developing?
I start to feel attraction.
Yes.
And like the difference between like a friend and a relationship,
other than...other than sex...
Erm, it's more like...
..It's not like I'm not enjoying my time with a friend and everything...
Yeah.
..but in a romantic way, I'm enjoying myself.
I can understand what you mean. Like you've got speaking to friends like
you're speaking to me and then obviously speaking when you're on a
date with somebody, and you feel like you've got a deeper connection.
Is that what you kind of mean, like?
Yeah.
a girl usually when she's interested in you will just touch you on the
shoulder slightly and things like that.
Do you get any of those signals at all?
No. Asexuals aren't really like
known for flirting or anything like that.
Yeah! Not known for flirting, yeah.
So how would you, so how would you, you know...?
We were laughing at each other.
It was really enjoyable.
We spent like two and a half hours inside here.
Yeah, I remember you saying you
spent the whole day together, didn't you?
Yeah.
I just don't know where I stand...
You don't know where you stand with the whole situation?
At all. I just don't know if she's actually interested in me or not.
OK, just say, "Look, I was wondering if you wanted to meet up again."
So yeah, be more direct about it.
Say, you know...
I kind of want...
Ask her whether... You want to know where you stand.
Just say that. You told me you don't know where you stand so tell her you
don't know where you stand with her.
Where I stand, here?
Yeah! Just put that.
Yeah. Cos you want to know, and that's the only way you are going to find out.
It's the only way, so I feel I have to send it.
the only way! Just send it! Just send it!
Once you send it, that's it. It's done.
Can't hack it. Just tell me already.
It must be in her...
Because she must be tiptoeing around it.
It's clear that I like her.
It's hard for me to figure out.
Cos I want to help you. But it's hard, isn't it,
cos you work on a different level
than, say, I do in how I gauge if somebody's interested in me or not.
Hi!
Hello!
I just find it so funny because I
tell you everything in like such detail.
And you're just like...
A lot of the stories are, like, embarrassing,
and that makes them funny.
Like when I threw up on a penis.
ASHLEIGH LAUGHS
A great day for one and all.
I'm not completely like sex-repulsed,
so I kind of have like an aversion to thinking about it or hearing
about it, like it's just cos it... I think it's cos it's so
every day, ain't it?
Yeah, like, if I have a crush on someone.
I didn't even know...
I feel like I've brought up, like, vibrators and, like, wanking before,
and I always just assumed that you didn't.
Erm, a lot of the time I think it's just like a boredom thing, but...
Yeah, I know what you mean.
So have you ever had an orgasm?
Like with someone else or...?
No, no, with yourself.
Yeah. With myself, yes.
So does that not make you think that you would want to have sex?
Well, no.
Yeah, exactly! Like I sort of never made that link, like...
..to... "Oh! I want someone else to do this!"
I'm feeling pretty awkward, to be fair.
Would you ever just stop someone and, like, have a bit of a flirt and
not really think about it?
No. I wouldn't go up to anyone.
Erm...
Hey, if they come over to me and like talk to me, I'd tolerate it.
Oh, wait. I've just seen one.
What?! Who?
Which one?
At some point, you're going to have to make that...
The decision to speak to them about it.
I'm actually realising how many
issues I actually have to work through.
D'you know, because it's like,
"Oh, you're lonely, and you want someone, but you ignore guys,
"you don't go up to them, you tolerate them, you ignore them
"on Tinder." And it's like, actually, what am I doing?
It actually just terrifies me thinking about meeting people.
Because it's not only like, "Oh, will someone accept me for me?"
It's like if you find someone who does, it's then,
"Oh, but will they accept me for me if I won't sleep with them?"
I think everyone finds dating in this day and age, to some extent,
difficult.
It's important for me to just put in the effort.
The sort of market out there is perhaps smaller than for other
people anyway.
Not only am I looking for someone that's going to be OK with me
being asexual, but also someone that is also a man looking for,
to date a man.
I'm 24.
I live in Bristol.
I'm genuine, creative, caring, and adventurous.
So this guy has good hair, so...
He likes dogs, likes spooning, likes tea.
Don't... Not keen on tea, but the other two, that's good.
I think if someone mentions spooning, then that's kind of...or
cuddling, then that's kind of, for me, a clear indicator that they'll
also have some sort of sensual attraction.
Yeah, if I'm looking for someone to cuddle with,
and they're also keen on cuddling, then, yeah, that's really good.
Sometimes I find dating apps difficult,
especially in the sort of gay,
same-sex, men attraction, more so than straight dating apps.
There is this sort of very sexualized nature of some things
that are, certainly for me, very unwanted.
It is bust-enhancing.
The top button is actually broken because it did too much
bust enhancing and lost.
He approached me first on the dating site.
I made sure that he understood exactly what asexual meant.
That's like the biggest hurdle has already been crossed.
The ideal person for me would have to be funny, loyal... But, you know,
I'm not one of those people that thinks there's only one
person for everyone.
If I don't feel any kind of spark,
it'd still be nice to have a friend, if nothing else.
Just a little bit more nervous now.
Actually starting to feel a little bit more uncomfortable about it.
But I will feel better when he gets here.
Eight.
Well, there's no sign of him currently.
Erm, I've just sent him a simple, "Are you on your way?"
I'm getting to a point where I'm thinking if anything happens to my
parents, I am alone.
My brother's moved to another country, and we're not that close.
And that impending knowledge is that you could end up totally alone in 20
years because the dog won't still be around then, is...
..it's a bit scary.
I'll probably give him until half past,
I mean, half an hour late is late enough in my opinion.
He's just disabled his account.
The account's gone dead. "User's disabled their account."
Just ten minutes ago, it was all
functioning, and his picture was there.
So that's happened in the last three minutes.
Feels a bit pointless sometimes trying.
But I would rather be alone than have to have sex.
That's how much I feel I can't have sex.
It's not an insecurity, it's not through prudishness,
it's some serious trigger in my mind that just says no, absolutely not.
I would rather be alone.
Oh!
Paragraph.
I'll let you have a read alone.
Right, OK. "As to where we stand, well, as far as I'm aware, we're friends.
"We haven't seen each other enough to make it anything else.
"I suggested to meet up a little while ago, the dates don't work.
"You were looking for a new job, and then you ran into problems,
"asked me to back off, so I have.
"I was honestly hoping you couldn't come to the meeting this
"week and then again after. I found messaging difficult, hence why
"I'm terrible at it."
So she obviously does want to meet up with you.
I think she's feeling like...
She feels like...
You know, maybe she's lost your interest because she hasn't been
able to speak to you.
I said, "Just give me a few days and everything, so I can sort this out."
I didn't ask her to back off.
Well, maybe clarify that with her.
Just say, erm, "I didn't mean it to come across like that."
So she's clearly taking it as something else.
And that clearly kind of stressed her out.
I mean, it's not a no.
I think that's the one thing you have to remember, it's not.
It's not a no.
I feel like I'm quite alone and I'm scared to really say to people,
"Look, I am this." Cos I feel like if I will disclose my
asexuality to people, they will abandon me.
When I tried to tell my sister I was asexual, she said,
"But the way you dress,
"you dress for men. That means you must want them in your life.
"And you must want to have sex with them."
It feels good to have a conversation and know that you don't even have to
explain yourself. I just feel relaxed.
Yeah.
If you are not sure about, like, one part of your identity or that you're
kind of confused on, is it OK that I do this as an asexual person?
I do a lot of drag and cosplay, and I just love it.
And everyone thinks, "Why are you wearing sexy outfits for sexy film
"stars if you don't want to attract someone's attention?"
I'm like, "No, I'm doing it for myself."
There is definitely like, the spectrum of asexuality is,
probably so much wider than people think it is.
So much of what people were saying, I was just like, "Same!"
To actually hear people's thoughts and it's like actually
they're my thoughts, and I never thought I'd hear another person
say it out loud.
Can I get everyone's Facebook or Twitter before we leave?
This upcoming year, I'm thinking of organising some meet ups for people.
Would you guys be interested in coming on to them?
100%.
There's a couple of people that I've, sort of, been listening to and
was like, I would really love to be friends with this person.
It is kind of odd finding a guy that I think is cute that might
potentially be, like, the same kind of asexual.
Cos it's like
normally if I like someone, it's like a definite no-go.
So it's like even if I feel something for someone,
I have to just ignore it and pretend like I don't.
It's a start, I guess.
Yeah, at least I know that cute asexuals do exist...
..which I didn't think they did.