-Christmas.
-♪ [Bleep] in a box ♪
-Hanukkah.
-♪ [Bleep] in a box ♪
-Kwanzaa.
-♪ A [bleep] in a box ♪
♪ Every single holiday, a [bleep] in a box ♪
♪♪
Clear your calendars, chug that coffee,
and wake the kids because this Friday
is Black Friday at Mega-Mart.
-Black Friday!
-It's the biggest shopping day of the year,
and we're giving you incredible savings with...
-Mega-Mart's 12-minute madness.
-This is the shortest, craziest sale in retail history.
You have just 12 minutes to rush in
and grab all the deals you can carry.
It's going to be a savings stampede!
-Savings stampede!
-Door-buster specials like iPads for $39,
3D televisions for $71,
and a secret, unpublished "Harry Potter" novel,
"Harry Potter and the Treacherous Crawl Space,"
is available for only 6 bucks.
And there's only seven left, so line up early
because we're starting at 4:00 A.M.!
-Crack 'a dawn! [ Rooster crows ]
-That's right, coked-up rooster.
At 4:00 A.M., we will fling our doors open
to anybody and everybody,
just as soon as we finish waxing and mopping the floors.
-Slide into savings!
-All the best deals are located in the very back of the store
down a narrow aisle packed with merchandise!
-Fire hazard!
-And to make room for more customers,
we've removed our security guards.
People have already started camping out
in a tailgate sponsored by Four Loko,
America's Premier Hillbilly and Cholo Fuel.
If you show up too late, you will be humiliated!
-I'm ready to do whatever it takes to get
the 12x12 Finished in a Flash Disney Scrapbooking Kit.
I've steeled myself, my estate's in order,
and I've made peace with my God and those around me,
so I will get the 12x12 Finished in a Flash
Disney Scrapbooking Kit!
Just you wait!
Whoo! What a day for shopping!
-Your shopping carts can only be slowed by one thing -- boxes.
So everyone in our Mega-Mart 12-Minute Frenzy
will get a free box cutter at the door!
-Free box cutter!
-And to keep your energy up, we've hired DJ Thunderthrust,
one of the top death metal deejays in the tri-state area.
He'll be playing music so loud...
-No one can hear you scream.
-Finally, we're proud to have
93-year-old actor Kirk Douglas on hand
to sign copies of his book, "The Ragman's Son."
Kirk will be hidden somewhere in the store,
and the first three customers to find him and touch him
will win one free Kindle!
-Catch him, touch him, win!
-So strap on your combat boots and start running
for Black Friday's 12-Minute Madness at Mega-Mart!
This is happening! [ Laughs ]
This is happening!
-Get it. Do it. Own it.
Mega-Mart.
-She's the one who makes the holidays merry and bright.
the perfect gift, the perfect wrapping,
the perfect everything.
So, what do you get the woman
who makes Christmas for Christmas?
The gift everyone woman desire.
A beautiful charm from Pandora.
-Oh, it's -- it's one of these.
That's --
It's a little coffee cup.
-I knew you would.
-What? -Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you say you love it?
-I do. I love it.
-At Pandora charms, we take one little fact about your wife,
and turn it into jewelry.
If it's a noun, it's a charm.
-[ Gasps ] Aww.
Is it a little dress?
-Yeah. I notice you wear dresses.
-Oh, there's a pink ribbon on it.
It's for beast cancer?
-Oh, yeah.
-Pandora charms say the things you want to tell her the most,
like, "I know what job you have,
and that job is nurse."
Or, "You like drinking."
Or, "This is a dog."
And once you bought a Pandora bracelet,
you can get her one of these $60 whatevers
for every birthday, Mother's Day, and anniversary
for the rest of her natural life.
-It's a coffee cup. Greg got it for me.
Greg, look. I'm wearing it.
I got Greg a motorcycle.
-I got us a threesome.
-Wow. -Wow.
-Yeah.
-Ooh.
-Pandora -- Come back to the mall.
[ Bell tingling ]
-Everyone knows the story.
-Of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ.
-But this is the story...
-Of another more powerful Christmas savior.
-♪ The snow's falling down ♪
♪ It's Christmastime again ♪
♪ A woman has to get a gift ♪
♪ For some girl at work named Jen ♪
-♪ She doesn't know what Jen likes ♪
♪ And she doesn't super care ♪
♪ So she goes inside a closet ♪
♪ Just to see what crap's in there ♪
-♪ In the darkness, there's a light ♪
♪ Then suddenly she sees the Christmas savior's ♪
♪ Here tonight ♪
-♪ It's a candle ♪
♪ A plain peach candle ♪
♪ It's been sitting by a bike for a year ♪
-♪ For a year ♪
-♪ She takes the candle ♪
♪ Dusts off the candle ♪
♪ Then wraps it up for Jen and just says, "Here" ♪
♪♪
-♪ Then one day after this ♪
♪ In foggy London town ♪
♪ Two acquaintances are having tea ♪
♪ And one puts a present down ♪
-♪ The other says, "Wait, what? ♪
♪ "I mean, I got you something, too" ♪
♪ Then she rummages inside her purse ♪
♪ For some garbage that will do ♪
-♪ And it settles on ♪
-♪ Something that she had just gotten ♪
♪ From her boyfriend's mom ♪
-♪ It's a candle ♪
♪ That same peach candle ♪
♪ Regifted 'round the world in just one day ♪
-♪ Just one day ♪
-♪ Oh thank you, candle ♪
♪ The one true candle ♪
♪ The candle we all get, then give away ♪
-♪ But here's a warning ♪
♪ When you give a candle, that is all that you need ♪
♪ Don't pair it with a lotion or some lame little cream ♪
♪ A lot of people think two gifts are better than one ♪
♪ But that just makes each gift seem smaller and dumb ♪
-♪ So just give the candle ♪
♪ Don't overthink the candle ♪
♪ It's passed to every single woman and most gays ♪
♪ We all get the candle ♪
♪ We all give the candle ♪
♪ That $9 candle ♪
♪ That almost rude candle ♪
♪ We're joined by the candle ♪
♪ It's the gift of having a gift to give away ♪
♪ The gift of having a gift to give away ♪
Thank you, candle.
♪♪
-Hey, girl.
I got somethin' real important to give you.
So, just sit down and listen.
♪ Girl, you know we've been together ♪
♪ Such a long, long time ♪
-♪ Such a long time ♪
-♪ And now I'm ready to lay it on the line ♪
-♪ Wow, you know it's Christmas, and my heart is open wide ♪
-♪ Open wide ♪
-♪ Gonna give you something ♪
♪ So you know what's on my mind ♪
-♪ What's on my mind ♪
♪ A gift real special, so take off the top ♪
-♪ Take a look inside ♪
♪ It's my [bleep] in a box ♪
-♪ It's in a box ♪
-♪ Not gonna get you a diamond ring ♪
♪ That sort of gift don't mean anything ♪
♪ Not gonna get you a fancy car ♪
♪ Girl, ya gotta know you're my shinin' star ♪
♪ Not gonna get you a house in the hills ♪
♪ A girl like you needs somethin' real ♪
♪ Wanna get you somethin' from the heart ♪
-♪ Somethin' special, girl ♪
-♪ It's my [bleep] in a box ♪
♪ My [bleep] in a box, babe ♪
♪ It's my [bleep] in a box ♪
-♪ Oooh ♪
-♪ My [bleep] in a box, girl ♪
♪ See, I'm wise enough to know when a gift needs givin' ♪
♪ And I got just the one ♪
♪ Somethin' to show ya that you are second to none ♪
-♪ To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress ♪
♪ It's easy to do, just follow these steps ♪
♪ One ♪
-♪ Cut a hole in a box ♪
-♪ Two ♪
-♪ Put your junk in that box ♪
-♪ Three ♪
-♪ Make her open the box ♪
-♪ And that's the way you do it ♪
♪ It's my [bleep] in a box ♪
♪ My [bleep] in a box, babe ♪
♪ It's my [bleep] in a box ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪
♪ My [bleep] in a box, girl ♪
-♪ Christmas ♪
-♪ [Bleep] in a box ♪
-♪ Hanukkah ♪
-♪ [Bleep] in a box ♪
-♪ Kwanzaa ♪
-♪ A [bleep] in a box ♪
♪ Every single holiday, a [bleep] in a box ♪
♪ Over at your parents' house, a [bleep] in a box ♪
♪ Mid-day at the grocery store, a [bleep] in a box ♪
♪ Backstage at the CMAs, a [bleep] in a box ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪♪