- Racism, it must be a learned behavior, right.
'Cause you never meet like a racist baby,
though I would love to.
(audience laughing)
Just an itsy bitsy tiny weeny racist.
What were his first words?
We'd rather not say.
(audience laughing)
And for the record they were taking out of context, okay.
(energetic music)
My uncle just got his divorce finalized.
My mom called, she's like, "You need to send him a card."
I don't think Hallmark makes that card.
What would that card look like,
just a dude sitting in a studio apartment smiling.
(audience laughing)
You open it up it says,
"We didn't like her either, she sucked."
They make the easy cards, Hallmark,
happy birthday, happy anniversary,
the easy to articulate cards.
It's never a difficult card.
Here's a card I'd like to see,
just a picture of Darth Vader shrugging.
You open it up, it says,
"Turns out I'm not your father."
(audience laughing)
I ran into my biological father recently.
I told my friend, he was like,
"Is your biological father a good person?"
And I was like, if he were I probably would not
refer to him as my biological father.
(audience laughing)
Most people say dad.
I look exactly like him.
I show my friend a picture.
He was like, "Oh my God, it's like you guys
"were separate at birth."
We were.
(audience laughing)
I liked the cool dad when I was a kid.
My friends dad would smoke weed with us
and I was like this guy is cool, you know.
Now that I'm older it turns out he is not cool.
Turns out he's a grown man that did drugs with children.
So, quite the opposite.
First time I met my biological father he took me
out to lunch and the place he took me
turned out to be a family style restaurant,
which kind of ironic.
They should make broken family style restaurants.
You just walk in like where's the waiter?
I think he abandoned us, I don't know, but.
They forget to come out and sing happy birthday,
they're like, "We forgot bud.
"We'll make it up to you next year."
Another guy comes out he's like,
"I don't actually work here,
"I'm just banging the owner.
"I'll be your step waiter."
Is that one too real for the crowd, sorry.
So I'm on the subway.
I'm a New Yorker and I saw a couple fighting,
and as they're yelling at each other for like
10 minutes a rat ran up to the woman's foot
and bounced off and ran away.
And she screamed,
but her boyfriend just laughed in her face.
And she was like, "That is not funny."
And he was like, "It's kind of funny."
And she was like, "No."
So I just went up to them and I was like excuse me miss,
I saw the whole thing and it was funny.
(audience laughing)
I do this every night.
I got a great gage on what's funny and not funny.
I used to fight with my ex all the time.
She was mad I didn't cry during the breakup.
She's like, "You're not crying during this breakup,
"but you cry during that Magic Johnson documentary."
(audience laughing)
Maybe that should show you how out of touch with reality
she is that she things she thinks she's in the
same inspiration category as the greatest point guard
that ever played the game.
That guy played in the All-Star game with HIV.
She wouldn't (beep) me when she had a headache, all right.
(audience cheering)
I mean, Magic Johnson, I know we're in Boston,
but that guy's a legend.
Every endorsement, Converse, 7UP,
he never got Trojan, but I think he deserved to get it.
Who would have been better?
If you were on the fence about wearing protection and
you saw Magic Johnson's face on he box
you'd be like, we should definitely wear a condom.
This is the commercial.
You're coming out of a blackout.
You wake up next to a very regrettable one night stand.
You see a little picture of Magic's face on the box,
you're like, "Oh Magic, thanks for the assist."
(audience cheering)
That's, you know, 'cause it's a fun AIDS joke, that's why.
You know, it's upbeat.
I never wore a condom with my ex girlfriend
'cause she was on the pill, Ambien.
(audience laughing)
I don't feel the need, you know.
Some guy has me on Facebook, this Austrian guy.
He's like, "You wanna join my hate group?"
I was like, who do you hate?
He's like, "Blacks, Jews, everyone."
And I am Jewish.
He's not even doing background checks.
What kind of lazy recruitment process?
I didn't even tell him I was Jewish.
I'm like I'm just gonna join the hate group
and then drop subtle hints like while we're
committing hate crimes, just walking around hating.
I'm holding the torch.
I'm like dude, you know what this flame reminds me of?
Hanukkah, the miracle of lights.
It's like, yeah I guess.
You do hate hate Jews.
I'm like dude, I hate them.
I hate them so much I'm burning up.
I'm schvitzing.
That's how much I hate these people.
(audience laughing)
He's like, all right, we march on Saturday.
I'm like, I can't do Saturday's.
What helps racism?
Good food.
You can't be racist while you're eating good food.
That's why I'm annoyed by that terrorist group Al-Shabob.
They sound delicious.
You can't be pure evil and yummy sounding at the same time.
(audience laughing)
That's like if there was an Italian extremist
group named the Marinara Boys, or something.
Al-Shabob sounds like something I would order
when I'm wasted.
Let me get some of that Al-Shabob
with a side of hummus.
That's why gays need their own cuisine, right.
It'd be harder to be homophobic if you're like
dude, do you wanna order in some gay?
(audience laughing)
You'd be like, I don't know.
That stuff tears my ass apart.
(audience laughing)
I mean the white sauce is good,
but you know.
I didn't want to.
I had to, you know.
I was talking to a guy who told me gay sex
isn't natural 'cause it's not sex
for the purpose of reproduction.
I was like no sex I've ever had was
for the purpose of reproduction.
That sounds like sex that's gone horribly wrong.
He was like, "It's against nature."
I was like I have fucked couch cushions
before in my life.
So I'm in no position to judge anyone
and what they do with their penis.
He's like, "Yeah, but God did not intend man
"and another man."
like I'm pretty sure the guy who manufactured
my couch did not anticipate me having sex with it.
Some things are out of the makers hands.
That annoys me when people bring God
into the gay argument, right.
If there's a God I kind of hope he's gay,
just for those people, you know.
What if they had to meet him.
They get up to Heaven, God is like,
"I'm gonna fuck all of you."
(audience laughing)
But like I thought this was Heaven.
He's like, "It's Heaven for me."
Once a year I'll get into it with a troll.
It's like my Mardi Gras.
I'll really like, I'll let it fly, you know.
I'll look, but I'm also like, I'm not gonna get
involved or engaged.
But once in a while it is fun.
Last year, and don't pretend to act
like you're a great person here.
We're all mortified by this.
But remember the baby that got eaten
by the alligator at Disney?
It's a tragic thing.
I was like that's terrible.
And then two weeks went by and I was like,
all right it's time.
(audience laughing)
It's time.
Of course it's terrible, but let me fucking try.
And I went on stage that night at the Comedy Cellar
and I said, I don't mean to come off
as a gun nut, I just think if that baby was carrying
a weapon he'd still be with us.
That's how I feel.
(audience laughing)
Not a great joke, but it's timely.
And there's a woman on the front row and she goes, "No."
(audience laughing)
I was like, what?
She's like, "You can't joke about that."
Which guarantees I will continue to keep joking about it.
If you know anything about comedians that's all we need.
And she's like, "No you can't."
I was like, so did you even watch the baby's funeral on TV?
Which it wasn't on TV.
They don't, they don't televise baby funerals.
But it is a pilot I'm thinking of pitching.
Coming this fall to MTV after Teen Mom.
(audience laughing)
But it kind of, asked did you even see the baby's
funeral on TV.
And she said, "No, I guess I haven't seen
"the baby's funeral on TV."
And I said, well if you did you would have seen the
mother come on through tears
"and see see you later alligator," which just.
She gets up and walks out.
Her husband stays put, which is how you know
it's a good joke.
And there's a part of me that's excited about this
'cause I know I'm the subject of conversation
"on the car ride home.
You know that she was like, "He was terrible."
And the husband's like, "I thought
"he had some good stuff, you know."
So they emailed the Comedy Cellar, my home club.
And the Comedy Cellar forwards me the email,
hahaha, with 11 exclamation points.
I counted, I did count.
And I will now read you the best email
I ever got in my life.
Here's how it opens.
"Okay, you want blunt, I'll be blunt."
So you know some bad shit is coming.
It's never like you want blunt,
wonderful evening, thank you.
"A disgusting, Sam Morril took the stage
"and spent the first few minutes
"of his act disrespecting the two year old child
"who was murdered by the alligator at Disney."
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna say it.
Murdered is a strange word choice here, you know.
That makes it sound like the alligator was paid to do it.
Then afterwords he went to a pay phone
and was like, "It's done."
(audience laughing)
And then he belched and ran away in a trench coat.
"I have never in my life been so offended
"and repulsed by someone. I immediately left
"and stopped to tell your staff why."
This is my favorite part.
"They followed me to make sure my drinks were being paid."
I mean, it's just so wonderfully condescending.
She's like, "I'm furious," and they're like,
"Mm-hmm, those Coronas weren't free, so sorry."
(audience laughing)
I should say that the comic before me on this show,
friend of mine, she made like six Holocaust jokes
and this woman wasn't bothered by any of them.
She even mentioned them in the email.
She's acting like they didn't even happen.
I mean, some would call her a denier.
But you know, thank you thank you.
"I would expect all human beings to be offended
"by a sicko making jokes about a two year old baby's
"tragic death saying his mother probably said,
"'later gator' at his funeral."
I mean, even in text form it kind of holds up.
You know it's, this is a woman who's trying to get
me fired over later gator, a play on words,
which to me is a bit of a croc, honestly, it really is.
(audience applauding)
"I have posted about this on every social media
"account I own."
She sounds fun.
"I've asked everyone I know to share it.
"The comedian himself replied to me to say,
"'pretty strong act, huh'."
I did do that.
That is true.
If you troll me I will occasionally troll back.
I'm hosting a sports show and I basically got
media trained because I think they saw me
as a liability.
And, their words, but they were reading some tweets.
I don't know if you've ever heard a gray haired person
read your Twitter.
It is enlightening to say the least.
One of the tweets that they actually read out loud
was someone tweeted at you here Sam that
your comedy is a waste and you replied,
"Your father's giz was a waste."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, so you want me to keep doing that, or no?
She ends it by saying,
"What a complete and utter pathetic excuse for a human.
"He doesn't deserve to breath the same air,
"or live on the same planet as that precious
"little boy's family.
"He can go fly a kite."
Which that last part it always gets me.
I would love to fly a kite.
It sounds like a pleasant recreational activity.
Kite flying, she's very tightly wound.
She could use a vacation.
I'm thinking Disney, but you know.
(audience applauding)
The owner of the club is a very good guy.
I like him a lot.
He emailed this woman and said,
"We feel bad you had a rough night here.
"We'd like to make it up to you
"and maybe comp you and your husband for a night out."
And I hope they accept.
I think it would be a great idea for them to rebook
me for the gig.
Nothing would make me happier they're sitting there like,
"Finally we can take our mind off that awful awful man."
Your first comic coming to the stage,
Sam 'the Gator' Morril.
(audience laughing)