- I'm gonna be out back (relaxed lounge music)
throwing axes at trees
as hard as I can until I feel better.
Do not get in my way.
You have been warned.
- Hey guys, why would you ask (relaxed lounge music)
if I'm okay?
Of course I'm okay! I'm always okay!
I never have moments of intense depression.
- He's lying to you.
- (laughing) What is this guy saying?
He's not even a real puppet.
He's just a sock.
- Oh, this guy's really losing it!
- Okay, that is it. (groaning)
- Stop strangling me!
- This room is so ugly, (relaxed lounge music)
my hair is a mess,
I feel super bloated,
Starbucks ran out of the syrup
for the gingerbread latte I wanted,
the world is a horrible place,
and my life is crap!
- [Man] Are you gonna eat all of that?
- Yeah, I am. (relaxed lounge music)
Are you trying to say I'm fat,
that maybe I could stand to lose a few pounds?
- [Man] No, I just wanted to try some.
- Well, too bad.
I'm eating all of it,
and I'm putting ketchup on it.
- My mom just texted me, (relaxed lounge music)
Love you, period.
No exclamation point, no heart emoji.
I can only assume this means she hates me now.
I've been disowned!
- I spent half the afternoon (relaxed lounge music)
cutting the neighbor's grass,
just doing him a favor.
I expected him to at least say thank you,
or maybe even offer me a beer
as a token of his appreciation.
But do you know what he said?
"Looks nice."
Looks nice? (ominous droning music)
Well, we'll see how nice he thinks it looks next time,
when I don't rake up the grass clippings.
- I'd like to renew (relaxed lounge music)
my driver's license, please.
- [Clerk] Sir, you don't have
the correct identifying documents.
- It isn't entirely clear to me.
- [Clerk] Sir, this isn't something
you can argue your way out of,
so please, go get the documents and come back.
- No, no! (ominous droning music)
Please don't make me do it, please!
I don't want to!
Please, you got to help me out, please, no!
No, no!
- This online recipe (relaxed lounge music)
is killing me!
First you have to skip a 3,000 word essay
about how the blogger's friends love it.
Guess what? I don't care.
And then you finally get to the recipe, and she says butter.
Doesn't say salted or unsalted.
This lady's lost all credibility.
The only thing this is a recipe for
is a nightmare.
- Everything's okay, (relaxed lounge music)
it's just that everything that's wrong in the world
is my fault in one way or another,
and I'm not doing anyone any good.
Now, is there anything that I can get anyone
20 minutes from now when I'm on my way back
from crying in the bathroom?
- I'll offer you 4.50 (relaxed lounge music)
for a burger and fries.
- [Cashier] Sir, your total is 8.25.
- Okay, make it five even.
- [Cashier] Sir, we don't negotiate prices here.
- That's it. I'm out.
You're dead to me.
- This is the last time (relaxed lounge music)
I'm playing chess with you ever again.
There are too many rules to this frickin' game,
and I'm sick of trying to think
two, three, four moves ahead.
Who can think that far ahead?
You can't make me any more, Grandma!
- You all are so stupid. (relaxed lounge music)
I'm beyond the point of yelling
and coming up with clever insults.
Like I just, I give up. Congratulations.
I think you all have broken my brain somehow.
- No, I am not a singer-songwriter,
or folk-inspired, or acoustic pop.
I'm not any of those things. (relaxed lounge music)
I can't be labeled.
Guess what? (clumsy guitar music)
I'm not even gonna play this guitar well.
Now you can't even call me talented.
Ha ha! Checkmate!
- For the last 20 years, (intense music)
I have been bottling up everything you've done,
from minor annoyances, like chewing with your mouth open,
to huge stuff, like the time you turned over our golf cart
and we both ended up in the hospital.
So put your phone on do not disturb,
'cause for the next two hours,
I'm finally getting it all out there.
- I am really trying (relaxed lounge music)
to hold it together,
because no one has ever really seen me
lose my cool before,
and I want to maintain the facade
that I'm always in control,
not to mention an all-around nice guy.
Right? Am I holding it in all right?
Can you tell I'm freaking out on the inside?
(relaxed lounge music) (impatiently tapping keyboard)
(ominous droning music)
(cheery upbeat music)