♪ (I'm always here by Jimi Jameson) ♪ ♪ I'll be ready (I'll be ready) ♪
♪ Never you fear ♪
♪ No, don't you fear ♪
♪ I'll be ready ♪
♪ Forever and always ♪
♪ I'm always here ♪
Y'know, up until this point I thought:
Baywatch is good, but I really think it's lacking a dicey outsider in a cowboy hat.
But lucky for me, all that's about to change.
Look out world, the barrier between headgeared and non-headgeared characters is about to shatter.
(Shattering glass sound)
This is John D Cort, an old friend of Mitch's from the Navy Seals.
I don't remember if they say what the d stands for so let's just assume it's debonair.
He's a bad boy, but relatabley so.
No visible tattoos or scars, perfect teeth, t-shirt two sizes too small.
Look at him getting into bar fights!
He seems like perfect lifeguard material!
Allison (as woman in picture): Help! Our Son is drowning!
Allison (as Cort): I got it ma'am!
(Punch sound effect)
And so our hero bravely steal someone's motorcycle and rides away with the guy's girlfriend.
(Sarcastically) What a dream boat!
Cort decides to take a joyride on the beach, something Mitch ignores completely until things get personal.
(Music is slowed down to sound threatening)
Allison (as Mitch): You're under lifeguard arrest for being mean to me.
Mitch: You stole his motorcycle
Cort: No, no we borrowed it, all right? Now Melinda's gonna return it or sell it I can't remember which.
Allison (as Mitch): In that case I won't report you to the authorities. When can you start being a lifeguard again?
Other Lifeguard: All right! Cort: Hey how you doin'?
Meanwhile, Shauni is upset over a terrible sandwich she bought.
I shit you not, questionable sandwiches is a real side story here.
If you weren't sure they were running out of ideas, just remember that someone sat down and thought:
'Hey, you know what's worth dedicating half of an episode to?'
Keeping with the tradition of only being relegated to horribly trivial B plots-
Jill helps Shauni in her quest to drive out substandard Beach concessions.
Okay, so I think it's pretty much been established that Cort is awesome.
So the first thing he does after going on lifeguard duty is begin his attempts to systematically eliminate Eddie.
(Dramatic string music)
Now let's see what level of overreaction, Eddie comes up with.
Allison (as Eddie): Ow! I broke a nail!
Cort: That one was free, but the next one will cost you. I'm John D. Cort. What's your name?
Allison (as Eddie): Aren't you afraid of my manly strength?
Allison (as Cort): Haha, that's cute. Let me buy you an ice cream cone.
Allison (as Eddie): No I- (sounding defeated) Ok.
Allison (as Cort): Attaboy champ. That's why they call me John Douchebag Cort.
Allison (as Eddie): So then I did like, 3 karate chops on him. He went down like a puss-
(Loud smack sound) Allison (as Shauni): Shut up Eddie.
Eddie: The guy trashed my locker. He's lucky. I didn't kill him.
Allison (as Craig): Well who doesn't have a few bodies stuffed in their locker?
Allison (as Eddie): What?
Allison (as Craig) Nothing.
I love how everyone's pretty much overlooking the fact that Cort is a huge asshole-
Just to make Eddie look like a pathetic wiener.
Craig: Well, I think you ought to give him a break.
Allison (as Craig): He hasn't broken that many laws Eddie. Quit being such a wet blanket.
(Cort's theme plays. It's a Smooth electric guitar song)
Allison (as Cort) Did you hear my theme? I'm so lovable!
Man in tank top: So why don't you go take a little boyfriend for a walk then, huh?
Eddie: That's not the way we do things around here man.
Eddie: But it is effective.
Thanks for that contribution, Eddie.
Cort working out in the Speedo montage! But can he work out on the tower too?
Now he's running with a dog for some reason.
So Cort ropes another old buddy of theirs into helping him on one of his latest jobs:
Diving for some crates that have been imported there illegally.
This is apparently the type of thing he just does and Mitch and everyone else treats him like a lovable scamp.
Let me remind you, Mitch works closely with the police on a regular basis.
The show unironically presents Cort as a man who constantly breaks the law-
Travels the world on a whim and once seduced a princess while on a Navy Seal mission.
There's a point where baywatch stopped caring and just did whatever.
And unfortunately for buddy guy here, he's an old friend without main character status.
(tense music followed by explosion sounds)
Cort goes to Mitch and Garner for help.
He is not arrested and Mitch doesn't seem fazed by his old friend being dead now.
Allison (as Mitch): Eh, I didn't have any scenes with him, doesn't matter.
Seen here: Mitch, Cort and Dead Meat during their boyband phase.
Mitch was the misunderstood one.
Cort: Made sure Captain Thornton was on the phone with some honcho before-
Craig: Before, before barging in and dropping a live lobster on his desk. (They laugh)
Allison (as Cort): Now is the perfect time for old prank stories.
Allison (as Eddie): I've decided to be friends with you now for no reason.
Allison (as Cort) Haha, our friend is dead.
Now things are personal and court makes it his mission to find out who set him up and killed what's-his-face?
So of course he brings Eddie along, just in case he needs a meat shield.
Allison (as Eddie): I'm too young to die! I'm a mere 18 years old!
Allison (as Cort): Haha, adorable.
Allison (as Eddie): Take me seriously!
Not that I'm questioning baywatch logic, but why haven't the police investigated this area yet?
A man exploded!
Speaking of which, sandwiches are explosively delicious.
And Shauni and Jill's plan to take over the questionable sandwich market has been a rousing success.
In fact Jill has actually become a Jill sandwich.
Barry: That was too close! You were almost a Jill sandwich.
Jill: You're right.
But my God the stakes are upped when Trevor tries to steal one!
Trevor: Well, I don't have any money on me. All right?
And then he awkwardly walks away.
And that's Trevor's, honest-to-goodness, exit from the show.
He's never seen or mentioned again, apparently so jilted by his sandwich rejection-
that he just kept walking into the sunset.
And so, let us take a moment to remember our fallen sandwich, Trevor.
He was just too good for this world.
♪ Land Down Under by Men at Work ♪
Allison (as Cort): Man, I love showing off my nipples.
Cort: I got a date.
Mitch: Now?
Cort: Yeah, she works till 1:00.
Mitch: Someone's trying to kill you and you're going out on a date?
Allison (as Cort): That's why they call me John Dateable Cort.
Allison (as Cort): I'm handsome!
Allison (as Mitch): Well you got me there.
(Timer beeps rapidly)
Cort: WOAH, MITCH!
(Explosion followed by falling rubble noises)
Allison (as Cort): Lucky for me that one second was more like three.
Allison (as Cort): That's why they call me John Dodge Cort.
It turns out all of this was orchestrated by a Navy Seal who broke orders on a mission-
and ended up accidentally killing two divers.
Cort testified against him and got him kicked out, which was no bueno.
Presumably he showed up in the courtroom on a motorcycle, dipped the judge into a kiss and sang his testimony.
Now that this information is out in the open, the killer gives court a call on his lightly exploded phone.
Grant: So I guess it's just you and me now that Sam's Dead, huh?
And the sandwich race is unfortunately thrown back to questionable vendor when he gets women in bikinis to help him sell.
Allison (as man buying sandwiches): Women in Bikinis? You can't see that at the beach! Give me 20 sandwiches!
The battle was long, hard and pointless.
This will be a day remembered in the history books.
Cort meets up with Psycho Seal, only to find he's brought a knife to an explosion fight.
Luckily, Garner helpfully drops Mitch and Eddie off because that's what police do.
Allison (as Eddie): I got one!
Allison (as Mitch) I held him! counts as mine!
Allison (as Eddie): But- Allison (as Mitch): Shut up, Eddie.
It seems the culprit has been caught until they realize the episode hasn't met its explosion quota yet.
Allison (as Cort): Good Luck Eddie.
(Loud explosion)
Next time on Baywatch:
Craig, Eddie and Cort go to Mexico.
Meanwhile... I don't know, some stupid thing about Captain Thorpe.
♪ Baywatch end credit music♪
Shauni: That'll be $3 please
Trevor: You're not serious. Jill: Cash, only.
Trevor: Well, what happened to the lifeguard discount?
Jill: Uh-uh sorry.
Trevor: Well, I don't have any money on me. All right?