-Hey.
Hey.
Guess who's back.
-Who's back?
-It's your back.
♪♪
-Well, the holiday season is upon us once again,
and that means spending time with family.
Here with his advice on how to manage the holidays,
please welcome Drunk Uncle.
-Hey, Seth.
It is great to be here, hosting Saturday Night Fever.
-Okay.
So, Drunk Uncle, are you excited for the holidays?
-The holidays are not what they used to be, Seth, you know?
When I was a kind, you know, Christmas meant something.
You know, people -- people got dressed up.
You know, they would travel 6 hours in a car.
Nowadays, it's just, "Hey, could you e-mail me dinner?"
"Hey, could you fax me a hug?"
Pbhht!
-Okay, well, do you have any advice
on how to deal with family?
-I found out that my niece is getting gay married.
You know what I'm gonna get her for a wedding present?
A boyfriend.
-Drunk Uncle, can we please just talk about the holidays?
-Occupy Lame Street.
I mean, you know, kids,
they need to pull up their pants, Seth.
Kids today...
Kids today, they're always saying
"Text me. Text me. Text me."
Why don't you write a letter, you dummy?
-A letter to who?
-You can't even say "Merry Christmas" anymore.
You got to say, "Hey, Baby Jesus,
do you want to do Pilates?"
Or "Are you on a cleanse?"
You know what I like about Christmas, though?
That sexy green M&M lady.
[ Chuckles ]
I would hit that.
Come on. You've thought about it.
-No, I really haven't.
-You've thought about it. -No, I haven't.
-♪ Every kiss begins with Kay ♪
Put that in your iPad and smoke it.
-I can't believe I'm saying this, Drunk Uncle --
I think you might be too drunk.
-So I didn't make the big catch!
So I wasn't prom queen.
Okay?
So I wasn't sports king.
Okay?
So I'm not muscle man, okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Pbhht!
That's not me.
-I'm sorry, I -- What's your point?
-How high do you think I can jump, Seth?
Immigrants!
[ Laughter ]
Beth. Beth.
If I was Dr. Conrad Murray,
I would rent a boat.
You know what I'm gonna say.
-I don't. I don't. -Hey.
Hey. Hey.
Guess who's back.
-Who's back?
-Your back.
-Ohh. That stinks.
-Your back. -That stinks.
-So, in conclusion...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...you're all robots.
-Drunk Uncle, everyone.
-It's your back. -I know it's my back.
-Well, it's the new year,
and that means new resolutions for 2012.
Here with his new year's resolutions is Drunk Uncle.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Happy New Year!
Ten!
Nine!
It keeps going down from there. -Okay.
So, uh, Drunk Uncle, what are you looking forward to in 2012?
-You see these? They cost five dollars.
When I was a kid, five dollars, you could get --
you could get hot dog, milk, bread, cigarettes, television.
Nowadays, it's just, "Is this gluten-free?"
"Is there -- Is there pomegranate in this soy milk?"
Pbht.
YOU press 1 for English.
-[ Laughs ] Okay. Wow.
You got off track really fast there.
-Global boring! -Oh, boy.
-You know -- You know,
girls need to wear hats in church, Seth.
They're always saying,
"Twitter me. Twitter me. Twitter me.
I wanna Kindle my boyfriend."
Pbht.
Girl with a dragon tattoo? Buh.
Not in MY house.
-All right, so, any new year's resolutions?
-My nephew bought me a smartphone for Chrimmis.
-Okay. -You know?
If it's so smart, why can't I get a driver's license?
Reagan!
♪ Trust Sleepy's ♪
♪ For the rest of your life ♪
You know where I'm coming from. -Drunk Uncle...
-Okay, so I wasn't the biggest guy in the world, okay?
So I -- I wasn't CAO, okay? -Okay.
-Well, I'm not Fantasy Man, okay?
-Okay.
-[ Vocalizing operatically ]
That's not me.
-You're lighting the filt-- Don't.
You're lighting the filter. That's the wrong end.
-What? The wrong end of what?
Oh. Sorry, college boy.
You know what my New Year's resolution is?
-We would love to know.
-I'm gonna watch the damn Vikings game, Gloria,
and that's final.
And if you don't like it, you can e-mail me at
wwww dot is this really America?
Dot question mark?
Dot no, it isn't.
Dot immigrants!
-All right. Drunk Uncle, I think you're a little too drunk.
-Yeah, I got a gun!
-What?!
-It's a Luger.
[ Chuckles ]
But don't worry. The safety is on.
-Okay. Everyone here can see both of your eyes.
-Good. Good for them.
Hey. Hey.
-What?
-Pull my finger. -No.
-Pull my finger. -No. No.
-Amy, pull my finger. -No.
-Come on. -I don't -- I know what --
-Ah. It's too late. I already did it.
-All right.
-Just pull my finger anyway. -Drunk Uncle, everyone!
For "Weekend Update," I'm Seth Meyers! Good night!
♪♪
Well, Easter Sunday is upon us once again,
which means time spent with the family.
Here with tips on how to cope with your family, Drunk Uncle.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ Simply havin' ♪
♪ A wonderful Easter time ♪
[ Chuckles ]
-Well, happy Easter, Drunk Uncle.
-Is it, Seth?
'Cause when I was a kid,
you know, Easter used to mean somethin'.
You know? We used to get dressed up.
I wore a tuxedo for a week.
We used to color our eggs by hand with lead paint.
Now? There's an app for that.
Boop-boop. Hey, Siri, why did a Chinaman steal my job?
Droid!
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ]
-So, Drunk Uncle,
are you spending Easter with your family?
-Yeah, I can't wait.
You wanna see an impression of my niece Alyssa?
-Sure. -"Meh. Meh. Meh. Meh."
What's the matter, Alyssa? Cat got your Prius?
Ugh. eBay of Pigs!
You know -- Pbht.
Kids today, they don't even know --
they don't even stand when a woman comes in the room.
All these kids care about is,
"Is this Wi-Fi organic?" Pbht.
"Can I get -- Can I get some raw almonds on my yoga class?"
Ugh.
"Netflix me. Netflix me.
Netflix me."
You know what you should put in your Netflix queue?
A haircut.
-Drunk Uncle --
-Uh, you call this St. Patrick's Day?
-No. -Stupid.
Stupid.
St. Patrick should chase those snakes out of my town.
[ Laughter ]
You know...
When I say "snakes" [Chuckles] what I really mean is --
-Oh, yeah, no, don't say it.
-Fine. Fine.
Minorities.
-Drunk Uncle -- -So --
-Oh -- -[ Whimpers ]
-Oh, no.
-So I'm not a prizewinner, okay?
So I'm -- So I'm not a dream hunk,
okay?
So I'm not too-fast-too-furious, okay?
[ Groaning ]
[ Laughter ]
That's not me. -That's not anybody.
-I know. So?
So what?
You -- You know what I call "The Hunger Games"?
-What do you call "The Hunger Games"?
-Trying to raise six kids on an exterminator's salary.
Brenda!
[ Laughter ]
♪ Oh, the best part of waking up ♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Snores ] -Drunk Uncle?
-♪ Is Folgers in your cup ♪
He's still Cassius Clay to me, Seth.
-Okay.
Drunk Uncle...
I'm just gonna say this. I think you're too drunk.
-[ Sputters, scoffs ]
Is that what you think, One Direction?
-No, don't call me that.
-Barf. Our country's heading in one direction.
The crapper. -Alright.
-"Too drunk." I'm fine. -Alright.
-I just need to put something in my stomach.
-Oh, God.
-Peeps. -No. That's a bad call.
Honestly --
[ Laughter ]
Peep-peep.
[ Chuckles ]
Peep-peep. [ Laughs ]
The Roadrunner. -Yeah, yeah, no, I --
-"Peep-peep." -Yep.
-You get it, Tina? -Alright.
-You get it? -Yeah! I get it.
-Hey.
Hey.
Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
-No, you say knock, knock.
-[ Sighs ] Knock, knock.
-Who's there? -I don't know.
-Okay. Just say immigrants. Start over.
[ Laughter ]
-Knock, knock. -Who's there?
-Immigrants. -Go away.
-Drunk Uncle, everyone!
-You're under arrest.
-Well, the election is over,
but people are still talking politics.
And there's nothing more fun
than talking politics with family members.
Here with an election recap, Drunk Uncle!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ I want my country back, country back, country back ♪
♪ I want my country back ♪
[ High-pitched ] ♪ Chili's, that's where I drink ♪
[ Deep voice ] ♪ And then I get drunk ♪
-Alright.
So, uh -- So, Drunk Uncle,
I assume you're not pleased with the outcome?
-[ Scoffs ] You think?
[ Chuckles dryly ] People --
People don't even dress up for an election anymore, Seth.
[ Snorts ]
You know? Back -- Back when I was a kid,
you couldn't vote unless you had
suspenders, cane, monocle, top hat, fancy.
[ Laughter ]
You know? And when you voted,
you pulled a damn lever, Seth, like a man.
You didn't -- You didn't fill in a little oval
like you're taking some pregnancy test.
We had -- We had two choices.
Okay? We had Roosevelt and Reagan.
There was -- There was no "Green Party."
There was no "Senate."
[ Laughter ]
You know? If you wanted --
If you wanted a House of Representatives,
you built one yourself.
-Alright, I -- You know, I think you're already pretty off-track.
-Ugh, kids today -- kids today, they don't even read newspapers.
You know? It's just,
"Is this ballot 4G?"
Ugh.
"Hey, can I vote with a Groupon?"
Barf. You know what I want a Groupon for?
A moment's peace.
Instead, I got my fat niece going, "Spotify me.
Spotify me." Barf.
Spot-if-I care. -Alright.
So, Drunk Uncle, were you surprised by any of the races?
-Oh, yeah, sure -- blacks,
Hispanics, Koreans. -Okay, no, no, no.
-All of them, really.
-No, I meant the political races.
-Oh, you want to talk about equal rights?
A dog can pee in the street. That's fine.
Drunk Uncle pees on one pay phone,
gets arrested instantly.
Okay? Where the hell are my rights, Linda?
[ Laughter ]
Red state, blue state, red state, blue state,
red state, blue state. Ugh.
You know what state I'm in? Denial.
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ]
Windows 8. -Okay.
-Windows 8. [ Chuckles ]
Windows ate my homework. -Alright.
-Is there an app for that? -Are you asking me?
-I have an app for every time Linda makes meatloaf.
It's called Angry Turds. -Alright.
-[ Chuckles ] -Alright, Drunk Uncle.
-Yeah, I'm a hoarder!
But -- But you know what I hoard?
1950s Playboys and dignity.
Hmph.
[ Laughter ]
♪ Nationwide is on your side ♪
[ Laughter ]
If Nationwide is on my side,
how come Mitt Romney isn't president?
"Jewspapers." -Drunk Uncle!
Please.
-[ Sobs ] -Oh. Oh, boy.
-So I didn't shoot for the stars, okay?
So I didn't go to electoral college, okay?
So I'm not Magic Mike, okay?
So I'm not IMAX Real 3D!
Okay?
[ Barking ]
[ Groans ]
That's not me.
-That's not anybody.
-It isn't me.
-Drunk Uncle, I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I think you're too drunk.
-[ Chuckles ] Hey, Seth. -Yeah?
-Seth. Hey. -Yeah? Yeah?
-Hey. Hey. -Yeah. Yeah.
-Why did the chicken cross the road?
-Why? -Say it with me.
To get away from the immigrants! -...immigrants.
Drunk Uncle, everyone!