-Don't you change the accent just to try that.
I've seen him show up at our door every day
for the past six months.
-I simply don't know what you're referring to.
-Mailman.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-I don't know if you guys remember this,
but we actually did a soap opera in the '90s together,
That's where we first met. Do you remember this?
-Oh, are you talking about "Tensions"?
-Yes, of course. "Tensions." -Oh, yes.
How could I forget "Tensions"? -"Tensions."
It was a soap opera back in the '90s,
and we played husband and wife named Maxwell
and Lillian Vanderbilt. -Yes, that's right.
There were no women in Hollywood at that.
-No, there were -- That's true. Yeah.
And the show got canceled after just three episodes.
Isn't that sad? -Yes. Well, you know what?
I remember the producers wanted to make every single moment
as tense as possible. -Yeah, yeah.
-They wanted to be exciting for the viewers.
-Sure. Sure, sure. -I get it.
-But, no, I think it might have gone too far
because it was too tense for no reason.
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. -Well,
late last night I was here.
I was hanging out in the cages down below 30 Rock
and was looking through some old tapes
and I found a clip of you and I in "Tensions."
-Oh, you are fibbing. -No, I'm not fibbing.
I'm telling the truth. -Come on.
If you're flipping, I'm going to be mad.
-No. I want to show a clip of me
and Martin Short in the '90s soap opera "Tensions."
-You better not be fibbing.
Where do we look?
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-And just what
do you suppose you're doing, Maxwell?
-I'm eating a sandwich, Lillian.
-Ha!
A likely story that you're eating a sandwich.
If you're really eating a sandwich,
then what, pray tell, is on that sandwich?
-Turkey. -And?
-Lettuce. -And?
-Munster cheese. -And?
-Tomato.
-What else, baby?
[ Laughter ]
-Nothing!
[ Organ playing dramatically ]
♪♪
-You're lying! Liar!
And then -- What --
If this is what you just said
and don't feel the truth, then what is this?
Mm!
What is that?
-That's...
-Ah!
Oh!
♪♪
-Wow.
-You see? -First of all,
the monitor is so high. -It's so --
So young back then. -Oh, I know.
-I guess... -That would have --
-It was a little more tense than it needed to be.
-Yes, but -- but -- but -- but the tension was palpable.
-Well, believe it or not, I found a second tape while
I was scrounging in the caves last night in the video cages.
-Ooh, you're sweating. -I'm sweating a little bit.
Only hot on this side. -I'm as cool as a cucumber.
So, go back and say what you said.
-I had -- We found another clip.
And this is from episode two of "Tensions."
-Well, I want to see it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Oh, what was that?
♪♪
-What was what?
-Oh, baby, what you just did with your eyes.
You -- You closed them quickly and then you opened them.
♪♪
-I blinked.
-Why did you blink?
-[ Chuckles ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I need answers, and I don't need lies!
-It's a natural human process.
-Since when?
-Since forever!
-Oh, you're pathetic, baby.
-Lillian, Lillian,
I'm going to continue to blink
and there's nothing you can do to stop me.
-Oh, really?
[ Organ playing dramatically ]
♪♪
What then, what do you call this?!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That was good.
-[ Laughs ]
-You have a fever or something? What's wrong with you?
-It's very hot over here on this side.
Yeah. -I'm kind of chilly.
-But I do you remember that episode, because...
[ Laughs ]
And you go...
[ Laughs ]
The thing...
[ Laughter ]
You reached for the vase a bit too soon,
or something happened with that episode.
-Oh, yeah, yeah. But they left it in.
-That's the good part. -Those were really good editors.
-Really good. -I can feel the tension.
You could feel it.
Well, what I'm saying is you could cut the tension
with a knife, yeah. -Yeah, yes.
That's what you used to say back then and you say it again now.
You're going to really flip when you hear this.
-Oh, come on. I don't want to hear it
if you're going to say what I think you're going to say.
-We have another clip!
-Oh, no! [ Cheers and applause ]
-Here's the third and final episode --
-See, now I don't have -- -Oh, I don't need -- Sorry.
The third and final episode of "Tensions."
Take a look.
♪♪
You've been seeing another man, haven't you?
-Oh, Maxwell.
What -- What [indistinct]?
-[ Indistinct ] Yes. [ Indistinct ]
You've been seeing another man!
-What would ever make you believe such a thing,
Maxwell?
-Don't you lie to me, Lillian.
Don't you change the accent just to try that.
I've seen him show up at our door every day
for the past six months.
-I simply don't know what you're referring to!
-Mailman.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-This one! -Ah!
I have not been having an affair with the mailman.
He's here for an entirely different reason.
-And one reason could that possibly be?
-I'm just here to deliver the mail...
and screw.
[ Organ playing dramatically ]
♪♪
-Aah!
Ouch! Why you...!
-Oh!
-Oh! Ugh!
Oh, no!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
What a performance.
-Oh, you better believe it, baby.
-Can I -- Can I just get serious for a moment?
[ Laughter ]
-Yes, you can. Boy, that was fantastic.
I didn't even know that you had a cameo in that.
-Neither did I. I don't think I was in it, actually.
Why, thank you to Martin Short and Steve Martin.
Now, Carol, you've had such an amazing career --
movies, stage, TV shows.
Actually, do you remember we did a TV show together?
Do you remember this?
-Oh, yes, I remember.
It was called "Tensions." -That's right. "Tensions."
-"Tensions." Yes. -"Tensions."
It was a soap opera. -Yes.
-From the '90s. -Right. Yes.
We played a husband and wife. I played Maxwell.
And you were Petra Vanderbilt. -Yeah. I was a cougar.
[ Laughter ]
-We were ahead of its time. It was ahead of its time.
The show got canceled, sadly, only after three episodes.
-I know, but you know, if I recall,
the producers wanted to have every single moment
as tense as possible to --
to make it exciting for the viewers, tense, you know?
-Tense. -I think you're right.
It was too tense, -Yeah, but I think maybe
they went too far, don't you?
-Yeah. I mean, they really did go too far.
And we actually have a clip. -Really?
-Yeah. Can we show -- This is a clip from the first episode
of the early '90s soap opera "Tensions."
♪♪
This is good coffee.
-Is it?
-Maybe.
Did you put...milk in it?
-No.
Half and Half.
[ Dramatic music playing ]
♪♪
-Fine.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Air conditioning is strong.
Now, looking back on it...
[ Laughter ]
-Yes? -After watching that clip,
it didn't seem too tense.
-Well, if I recall, it got more tense.
-It did? -Yes.
-What's that?
We have another clip? -We do?
[ Cheers and applause ]
This one is from episode two of "Tensions."
Take a look.
♪♪
Coffee, darling?
-No, no, not anymore.
I've switched to double-foam latte.
By the way...
What time is it, darling?
-Why do you need to know, Petra?
-Because I'm curious to know what time it is, Maxwell.
-If you must know the 3:24.
-Are you sure?
I mean, two minutes ago it was 3:22.
-That's how time works, Petra.
-Are you sure?
-I.
Don't.
Know.
[ Dramatic music playing ]
♪♪
-[ Laughs ]
♪♪
That's right, you can --
I remember that scene.
Yeah, I remember that scene.
I remember that scene because
the foam didn't come out of the cup.
No, no, it did not come out of the cup.
-Well... -That was -- You could --
you could feel, really feel, the tension.
-Yeah, it was almost unbearable. -Yeah, it was.
What's that?
We found another clip. -Oh, no.
-Yeah, we found one more clip.
Let's take a look at the third and final episode of
"Tensions," everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-And just where do you think you're going?
-I'm taking Remington for a walk.
-Who's Remington?
-It's our dog.
-Why are you walking him?
-Because. -Because why?
-Because he's a dog.
[ Laughter ]
-Where are you walking him?
-Around the block. -Which block?
-This block. -Whose block?
-Our block.
-When? -Now!
-Really?
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Sit. Sit.
Good boy, good dog.
♪♪
I'm leaving.
Goodbye.
-Really?
[ Dramatic music playing ]
♪♪
-Don't you ever --
That's --
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Well...
[ Cheers and applause ]
-[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
-Well...
-I have to -- Can I keep the wardrobe?
-[ Laughs ] Yeah!
They don't make them like that anymore.
They really don't. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Carol Burnett, everybody!