- I've been like sitting home thinking shit, right?
There's like a lot of like racial tension going
on right now between blacks, and cops,
and shit like that.
And I got to say something funny,
like I'm sitting here, I'm like,
I didn't know my angle.
And I was talking to my friends.
I'm like, I want to write jokes about police brutality.
And they was like, "Have you ever dealt with police?"
And I'm like, no.
They was like, "There's a joke right there."
And I'm like, how?
It's not funny.
And it's like, "But why don't you get stopped by cops?"
It's like, I don't fucking know.
And then the joke starts coming.
They was like,
"You want to know why you don't get stopped by cops?"
I'm like, why?
I was like, "'Cause you smile too much.
Any guy, 6'5", 200 plus pounds, smiling,
people think that you have a good lane.
You're not hitting people on the field.
You're just walking around smiling.
Like, hey, what's going on?"
I was like, of course they think you're off.
They're like, don't shoot him, he need this meds.
So I was like, all right, that makes sense.
And then another one of my friends was like,
"And you got hips."
I was like, what, what does that even mean?
He was like,
"When's the last time you seen a criminal with hips?
When the last time you seen a voluptuous male thug?
When the fuck have you ever seen that?"
You can't be going around and getting searched by cops.
You're going to turn them on.
They's like, "Damn homie, you thick.
What gym you go to?"
I'm like oh, that makes sense.
I said, that'll be a pretty weird, like,
sketchy, like, thing, right?
Like, you know, cops put out APBs
and that'll be hilarious to me.
Because it's like, "Be on the look out
for a black male suspect, approximately 6'5",
275 pounds, and hips like Aunt Jemima.
He was last seen wobbling down Seventh Avenue."
He's like, all right, I don't get stopped.
But, I still like, 'cause like that fucks with me.
I'm not even going to lie, it did.
Because when you find out
that cops are stopping black people by the bushel
and then they're just letting you walk by,
you like, "Come the fuck on.
What's up?
What's wrong with me?
What did I do?
I can be dangerous."
But I get it, like I don't look like a suspect.
I look like I run the D.A.R.E. program
at a local high school.
If a cop stops me, it's to tell me to keep up the good work.
That's the only reason he would pull me to the side.
Be like, "Hey you, come here.
I see what you've been doing with these basketball courts.
I love that.
I love the initiative.
Change the narrative, man."
I don't get fucked with by cops,
but I can still count on regular Americans.
Whenever you like feel like you missing out
on some racial injustice, just go to different places.
Go to where black people don't live, for real, for real.
I went to Arizona.
This was like a year back, went to Arizona.
I was performing.
I was having a good time.
And I got called the N-word by an audience member.
It's a little, old white lady in her mid-hundreds.
You know, so she invented the word.
It was her shit.
She's like, "I can say it, I started it!"
So, I'm doing jokes.
I'm doing, like, material about police brutality,
similar to what I just said then.
But, she didn't like it.
And she starts vibrating.
Like, she doesn't yell anything out, but she's like sitting
in her chair, she's shaking.
And I'm concerned 'cause he's old as fuck.
And I don't know who made her pacemaker, like,
maybe Samsung made this shit.
If I got to call her back,
I don't want this bitch to blow up front row.
Nobody's wearing their smocks or nothing.
Like, we're not prepared for this shit.
So I like, I started talking to her, like,
is everything all right?
Are you good?
And she's like, "Fuck you."
I'm like, oh shit, all right.
Like oh, you all right?
Like, what are you, like is this like a spasm?
She's like, "Fuck you for talking about our law enforcement
like they don't put their lives
on the line every single day.
And let me tell you this, let me tell you this.
If black people didn't commit crimes,
then they wouldn't get murdered by police, all right?
So fuck you, you stupid nigger."
And I was like, so, the answer is no, you're not okay.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, we went all the way down the street
to find out the answer was right here in front of us.
So like, you're on the spot.
Whenever you get called the N word by like a white person,
like everybody else looks at you
to see how you're going to retaliate.
I can't curse this old lady out.
I'm not going to get physical with her
or anything like that.
So now, I'm just stuck.
And I resort to pandering.
Like, she's with her husband.
And he doesn't look racist, but he looks like he dabbles
to keep her happy.
Like, I understand the things that it takes
to be a married man and like how to make your wife happy.
Like, I don't like watching "Chopped"
but I do it for my wife.
And this dude definitely doesn't say the N word,
but "you people" is his go-to phrase
when him and his wife need to bond.
So I'm talking to him, I'm like, are you like,
is she always like this?
And he's like, "Yeah."
I'm like, do you have any friends of color?
He like leaned forward, he's like,
"I do, but she don't know.
I keep them a secret."
I was like, aw man, you like a smart dude.
And you like, if she shuts up for like ten minutes,
you can figure out the cure for cancer.
Giggles, that's what I got.
I got giggles, started winning him over.
I'm like, yeah, but he stopped.
He stopped fucking with me, stopped laughing.
He kind of put his head down.
She started vibrating again.
And I was like, I know what the fuck this is.
This vibrating shit, I aint falling for that again.
So, I try to ignore her.
But, she didn't need me to acknowledge her this time.
She just blurted out,
"I beat cancer twice, you stupid coon."
And then everybody's like, "Oh shit, nigga,
what the fuck is going on?
You got to hit her.
Like, what's up?
Like, you got to do something."
And I like, it was like fight or flight mode at that moment.
And the only thing that I could think to say back
to this old lady was, well, that sucks for cancer.
Like that's the,
that's the worst shit that can happen to cancer.
Like, I want to support cancer now.
Like, I want to go to these races,
homemade signs, orange slices, bottled water,
fucking foam finger, like, "Go, cancer! Kill that bitch.
Kill Miss Gladys!"