What kind of music do you like to listen to?
Like, Becky Hill.
Have you heard ...
[singing] woah woah woah woah
woah woah woah—
No.
OK, I was going to get to the good bit.
But OK, let’s just stop there.
I love “My Heart Goes (La Di Da).”
How does it go?
[singing] My heart goes La di da, la di da
[singing] La di da, la di da
[children’s music playing]
Yo, what’s going on, people?
I would introduce myself as Stormz,
but today I’m Dr. Mike.
And that’s not a lie.
I’m a doctor. Go do your Googles.
And this is my clinic for the yute dem.
I’m going to help them with my doctoral advice.
Aight, I’m ready for the first person.
What’s your name?
—Josiah. —And who are you, Josiah?
Stormzy’s nephew.
Seen, my guy, that’s my neph.
Come here. This is my neph. This is my neph.
But I’m Dr. Mike today. Josiah, sit down.
What’s your question, my nephew?
[classical music playing]
Have you got a question?
[silence]
[laughing]
What’s your question?
[silence]
You ain’t got a question?
[silence]
You ain’t got a question? You’re just here to see your uncle?
Come. Come give me a hug.
This is my neph. I love my neph. Come here.
You came, and you ain’t got a question?
Get out of here, man. Get out of here.
[Laughing]
Next client, please.
[classical music playing]
How are you today? You OK?
—Yeah. —Yeah? What’s your name?
Eesa.
Eesa. Nice to meet you, Eesa. I’m Mike.
Or Dr. Mike, actually.
Hello, Dr. Mike.
It’s nice to meet you, Eesa.
What’s your problem today?
I found 20 pounds on the floor.
Do you think I should spend it?
Ohhhh, that’s a tough one, Eesa.
If you was at school, you’re at a restaurant, or at home
and you find 20 pounds,
then you say, “Whose 20 pound is this?”
or you hand it into the lost property.
However, Eesa ...
however,
if you’re in the park, and there’s no one around,
you go and get some sweets, yeah?
—Yeah. —All right, Eesa.
Take care, man.
Next client, please.
Hi.
OK, firm handshake. What’s your name?
—Junior. —Junior?
—Yeah. —My name’s Junior as well.
It isn’t.
I’m not joking. My name’s Junior.
Your name’s Stormzy.
Yeah, but I’m aka Michael Junior.
[chuckling]
So, Junior, what's your question?
My friends think I'm going to be the next superstar rapper.
Do you think I need more practice on my times table?
I think you should learn your times tables.
If you want to be a superstar rapper,
you start rapping from now. Do you rap?
Not all the time I get a chance to rap.
Who’s not giving you a chance to rap?
Myself.
Why don’t you give yourself a chance?
Justin, he says I should stop making noise.
Who’s Justin?
[record scratch]
Don’t act like you don’t know him.
[dramatic music]
Oh my gosh, who’s Justin?
You don’t know Justin?
I don’t know Justin.
Oh my God.
Wha—?
The person with me that you met at McDonald’s,
the older one.
When did I meet you at McDonald’s?
Friday, remember?
Last Friday?
Last, last, last year Friday.
Oh! So the Friday the yesteryear?
Was I wearing this hat when I met you?
[makes negative noise]
—So you didn’t meet— —I did.
You didn’t meet Dr. Mike. You met Stormzy.
The other day, you were still doing your rap thing.
Have we got a problem here?
Because I’m getting hostile energy from you, mate.
Do you want to sort this out?
[giggling]
—All right, ready? —OK.
[Junior giggling]
You’re not stronger than me. I’m stronger.
[dramatic music playing]
[Stormzy grunting]
That’s a lesson in life. Yeah? You understand?
Get out of here.
OK [giggling].
—Get out. —No [giggling].
Get out.
No. No.
Me and young Junior there had a little bit of a problem.
He came for the one. He lost.
OK, next client, please.
What’s your name?
—Farid. —Farid?
Nice to meet you, Farid. I’m Dr. Mike.
OK.
Nice to meet you [chuckling]. Want to take a seat here?
Yes.
How are you today? How are you feeling?
Yes! Relax, my guy.
Relax, take a seat, man.
This is a safe space, you know.
What’s your question?
My family thinks my friends are making me naughty at school.
Should I still be friends with them?
Do you feel like your friends are making you naughty at school?
—Yes. —You think they are. OK.
When you’re not with these friends,
are you being a good boy?
Yes [whispering].
So what you need to do is get some new friends
because I’m going to tell you something about this life.
By the time you know it, you’re 32.
But I’m sure you want to be
something good when you’re older, innit.
Then you’re going to need better friends. Yeah?
OK.
All right, my guy.
Take care of yourself. I hope that helped.
But as I know from school, sometimes your naughty friends,
they’re the most fun.
But, hey, I’m here to help the kids,
not lead them astray.
Next client, please.
What is your question for me today?
My dad’s birthday is coming. What should I do?
I have no pocket money.
—Does he like toast? —No.
—Oh no. Does he like cereal? —No.
—Some fruit? —No.
—Does he like birthday cards? —No.
—Does he like my music? —Yes.
You can learn one of my songs and perform it to him.
Wake him up real early. Go on his bed. Jump on his bed.
Say 4 a.m., I’m sure he’ll love that.
You got a plan.
Happy birthday, Paps.
4 a.m. wake-up call.
Next client, please.
—What’s your name? —Rayyan.
Nice to meet you, Rayyan. My name’s Dr. Mike.
What’s your problem today?
Very exciting to meet you
because I’ve actually been a big fan for you.
I watch all your songs and stuff.
I’ve been watching you every single day
after I come from school,
like [mumbling] and stuff.
And are you done?
—Nearly. —Nearly?
My friends love your video. They always watch it.
They keep on watching it because they watch you every day.
So you give this high five to all of them.
—So how many of them is there? —25.
Twenty-five? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25.
Go give it back to them, yeah?
That’s my gift to him.
Next client, please.
Nice to meet you, mate. What’s your name?
Logan.
Big up, Logan. My name’s Dr. Mike.
You’ve got a question for me today, haven’t you?
My auntie keeps cooking the worst fish pie in the world.
How should I tell her without hurting her feelings?
Oooh.
Sometimes what I like to do is
I eat the fish pie, and I go [makes sick noise].
You know what I mean?
And then it really lets her know I don’t like this.
Or ... you say,
“You’re the greatest auntie, and I love you.”
“And you’re so great, Auntie,
that you could probably make a better fish pie than this.”
So pick either one of those options.
Which one you going to go for?
—The nice one. —The nice one.
That’s because you’re a nice boy, Logan.
Well done. Nice boy.
—Bye. —Bye, Logan. Gimme five.
See you later, man.
[children’s music playing]
I do have to practice my times tables.
They’re boring!