uh it's Thursday kids tonight is the night we turn to the task of answering our voluminous
viewer mail which has been accumulating now for the last seven days let's get right to
it shall we we'll begin tonight with letter number one
Dear Dave I've received four speeding tickets racing home to see your program after work
can you or Paul help sincerely Darren Swain Enumclaw Washington uh Darren do do I look
like a guy who knows anything about speeding tickets thank you [Music] [Applause] [Music]
thank you [Music] that's that's how it works you send in the letter we'll answer it and
then make a huge mess but we have interns to clean this up here on the all-new late
night 87. [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you uh Dear Dave who are those three or four
stupid uh morons that laugh at everything you say even when no one else laughs concerned
Jim Flynn uh Chenango Bridge New York ah Jim you're referring to our studio audience I
guess and HAL turn up the lights and let's get a shot of tonight's audience I don't think
that they're that stupid you'll see them up there there they are
unfortunately tonight they uh they don't seem to be that Lively do they Paul strangely enough
no letter number three we're by the way we're the only uh Network television program that
answers it's viewer mail unless you uh count 60 minutes I guess they do too but I'm pretty
sure they got that from us
um in fact Morley Safer used to work here as an intern that's true that's a true story
what was that am I being I'm being rushed aren't I from the control room letter number
three Dear Dave what would you do if one of your wives cracks caused a guest to walk out
on you and disgust a fan Nick wired Ontario Canada uh well Nick it's a good question and
frankly I I've been lucky you know I I don't think a guest has ever walked out uh because
of something I said there was one time though when a little wisecrack really kind of got
me into trouble it was years ago Paul and I were in the Navy we were gonna see the world
I just think Dave three-day Shore leaves starting tomorrow but we've got to pass inspection
oh yeah boy there's nothing I love better than inhaling government issue cleaning solvent
now watch it Dave you better snow the Wise Cracks the commander is a strictly by the
books guy I don't want your gags getting us into any more trouble you remember what happened
in Singapore
yeah thank you very much thank you hi Paul hi Dave what are you doing here well look
I'm sorry I hope I'm not interrupting anything I just happen to be in the neighborhood what
are you doing a little uh skit here oh it's a it's a viewer mail flashback oh yeah we're
in the Navy oh I see well it's very funny it's going great look I just stopped by to
remind everyone I'm not sure everyone knows this or not I'm doing a little something on
Miami Vice uh tomorrow night actually I'm guest starring on Miami Vice and well I brought
a clip is that okay uh can I take a look at it how can we show a clip in a flashback or
not yeah I'll try I'm not sure okay we'll go ahead and set it up Chris you know I don't
know what the hell it is they kind of just threw me out here I'm sure it's self-explanatory
I I play a decoder for the FBI why don't we take a look at it you'll see okay here's Chris
Elliott on Miami Vice look ladies what you've got is somebody handling more and more bets
every week way over a million dollars already that's a big turkey so you specialize in boxing
yeah yeah it had to be that or tennis you know one-on-one kind of stuff see what he
does is he builds up these Fighters drives the odds up two to one three to one five to
one against them and then bam they get knocked on their dust by someone you never heard of
over and over again simple ah thank you thank you all very much well that's it Dave uh I
guess I better be going I know you have a big show you've got Richard Dominick in those
newspaper clippings and that's going to be great so good night everybody and remember
tomorrow night at nine o'clock Eastern eight o'clock Central over most of these NBC stations
thanks again [Applause] I'm moosing it [Music]
take it down
[Music] [Applause] letter number four deer Dave recently our senior class presented a
homecoming skit entitled late night at Pella High School it was an exact duplicate of your
show and the crowd loved us however we finished last out of four skits how do you explain
this sincerely Kevin Den Adele uh well Kevin as far as I can tell there's really only one
explanation you're a loser you're a loser Kevin right Paul loser loser loser loser lose
enough boys
letter number five huh that was that one that was that one that was letter number four onto
letter number five okay uh Dear Dave would you please ask Paul Schaefer to straighten
up he's really getting on my nerves thanks Bert Malloy Bert Malloy Chicago Illinois kind
of Rhymes doesn't it Burton Malloy Chicago Illinois yeah I don't care yeah uh Bert if
you're referring to Paul's posture there's a very good reason why he slouches a little
you see a few months ago I was having problems with my car and Paul was over there try another
one I'm gonna take a look Paul okay Demetra Vance has got another job
how's it look under there oh you know I think I was right the transmission is shot yeah
uh can you hand me a wrench an adjustable one yeah okay
must lift car ah Dave counting on oh that's it oh that's it oh oh thank you Paul oh boy
oh Paul I don't know how am I ever gonna be able to thank you for that well I may never
have good posture again but I think saving your life was a little more important yeah
I had to get some tea
you know Paul I
I uh I still I still can't get over how you were able to lift that car off of me well
it was just one of those nutty kind of surge of adrenaline things and besides the prop
card only weighed about 30 pounds anyway oh I see okay
uh we got a great show for you folks tonight although I know it would be tough to prove
at this point uh