When making a decision about divorce, people have to consider their kids. There
are 5 factors that determine the outcome of divorce for children. Pay
attention. This video is coming from my background as a child custody evaluator
for the courts. I did this for almost 13 years.
Honestly, it's yuck work. This is not fun. When bitter angry divorcing people can't
figure out how to share their kids. It gets messy but I learned a lot of things
in that context. These 5 factors that I'm about to share with you can make the
difference for your kids. In fact, they've been shown through the
research to be the 5 factors that determine the outcome of divorce for
children. The resource for this is Dr. Elizabeth Ellis.
She wrote a compiled book called Divorce Wars. Not a fun read. It's pretty academic.
But she had pulled together all of the research that had been done in this area.
And suggested that these are the 5 factors that determine the outcome of
divorce for children. That's the context. Factor number 1 is conflict. Honestly,
there's not even a close second here. I'll tell you what 2, 3, 4, and
5 are in just a minute. But conflict is number one. And specifically conflict
about or related to the children between the parents. We're set up for failure
here. Because in a divorce situation, the conflict can get very intense between
the parents. And it's usually about the things that are the most important to
them. Oh! That kids... There's other things too. Like the money the property the
assets. But really the kids are the most important thing. To you as a parent you
know this already. Conflict between the parents about the kids. Number one factor
that determines the outcome of divorce for kids. There's other conflict-related
issues like behavioral problems with the kid, for example. Sometimes creates
conflict or tension between the child and the parent. Conflict about schedules,
about time sharing, about decisions related to education or medical care. All
of these things can raise the conflict. Now, as a child custody evaluator, I was
in a position very very often where I was helping the parents to try to
resolve conflicts about how they're going to share the kids. One of the
primary things I looked for in making a recommendation to the judge is the
willingness and ability of that parent to minimize the conflict. Which basically
comes down to being a decent person. Don't get all wound up and uptight about
things that you don't have to. You're going to have to let a lot of things roll
off your back. Especially in that kind of a context. Hugely important. Number one
factor, conflict. Factor number 2. Now, I said there wasn't even a close second.
Actually this is fairly close. The quality of the parents relationship with
the child. Obviously that's going to be affected by the conflict. But it's also
affected by factors like access. How much do they get to see that parent? Absence. I
know, there was one family that I worked with where the father was deployed. Gone
for months. And that's an access kind of an issue. That affects the children's
relationship. And therefore their adjustment to the divorce. Visitation
arrangements. Alienation dynamics. This is something that was coined originally by
Richard Gardner psychiatrist who had studied parental alienation. And I think
he was the one who first coined the term. It's an active or even a kind of
subversive attempt to alienate the child from the other
parent. This is not healthy for the children. It hurts their adjustment and
their development. And parents do this. Usually I have the goodness of their own
heart. Because it comes from a thought pattern that it's faulty. Let me show you
what it is. "That person is so nasty and mean and awful and pathological that I
cannot remain married to that person. Why would I ever want my children to be
around a person like that?" That's the faulty thinking that gets us
into that track in the first place. And so there's an attempt now to sabotage or
alienate that child's relationship with the other parent. What you're doing is
hurting your child. Knock it off. I can tell you that here on the video. If
you're here in the office, you'd probably fire me. But you got to hear this because
it's true. You're hurting your child. if you try to alienate your child from
the other parent, that harms the child's adjustment to this divorce. So, I got to
shoot straight with you, okay? And hopefully you'll forgive me for that. Be
aware of it. Don't be guilty of something that is damaging so many children around
the world. Related to this whole alienation dynamic which is hurting the
kids is a preoccupation that the parent has with the other parent. This is going to
irritate and annoy some people too. Because really you need to live your own
life. Stop blaming the other parent for where you are. And all in your position, a
preoccupation with the other parent often looks like focusing on the things
that they're doing that you don't approve of. Focusing on their weaknesses.
Focusing on the ways that they've hurt you in the past. And I'm not saying they
didn't hurt you. It probably did. But your preoccupation with it creates a dilemma
for your child that affects this particular factor. The quality of the
child's relationship with either or both parents. Factor number 3 is the
emotional stability of the primary caretaker. This
something that I paid a lot of attention to when I was an evaluator because I
want to make sure that whoever's taking care of these kids is saying or at least
reasonably saying so that they can meet the needs of the children. The emotional
stability of that primary caretaker also affects that child's sense of security,
their ability to have a relationship with the other parent. Their
freedom to simply be children and not have to take care of mom or dad and
their emotional needs. This is huge. Factor number 4 that affects the
outcome of divorce for children is economic or financial stability. When we
take one household and create from that 2 households,
sometimes trying to use the same sources of income now to support 2 instead of
1. It creates some challenges, right? There's also the costs involved with
litigation and attorneys fees. Its enormously expensive to get
divorced. Makes therapy or coaching look a little
more affordable maybe? Well, I've got opinions about that. But the financial
hardship that sometimes hits. Sometimes the primary caretaker... Mom for example
has been home with the kids now that the divorce has happened, she needs to return
to the workforce and that changes the dynamics of the family. Sometimes there's
moves that occur to accommodate employment or other needs of the family.
All of these things affect the kids. And the more we can mitigate that or at
least consider it as we make decisions then the more likely our outcomes are
going to be favorable. Kind of along the same lines. Factor number 5 is actually
about the the number of disruptions to the children. They're schedule, their
residence. How they interact with people. These are all changes from what they're
used to. And those disruptions affect how kids adjust to a divorce. The more we can
keep them in a stable predictable environment, the
less they're going tO have to deal with this particular factor. I'm not saying
that you should keep everything the same because you can't once a divorce happens.
But this is number 5. The number of disruptions to the child. That's a factor.
So, let's take a look at that one as well. These 5 factors I have shared with so
many parents as they are anticipating or going through or having recently been
through a divorce. And it helps to be aware of these things as we do the very
best things that we know how to do with our kids. I did another video about
helping our children to cope with divorce. You can click to it right up
here in the corner of the screen and then that will queue up to play as soon
as we finish this one. I hope that you found these factors helpful. Knowledge is
power. And that's why we're here on this channel. There are so many other
resources available to you through the videos on this channel. Please go take a
look at some of the playlists here that will be relevant to exactly what you're
looking for. And let us know if we can be of more assistance to you. We have
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