when you get to the mirror and start
doing and redoing and redoing to the
point that you can't leave the house and
miss life then it's a debilitating issue
the longest I never took me to do my
hair was four hours my spike would be
like it wasn't perfect like that spot it
looks weird over here like my sideburns
look weird and everyone's gonna laugh at
me you can't see OCD so it really gets
to me when people say like well I don't
see you anxious I don't see a depressed
I don't see you doing things multiple
times it's not always very obvious most
of the time it's really secretive it's
frightening to watch sometimes depending
on the compulsions then you want to make
it stop just stop because as a parent
you want to fix things and you can't fix
this I'm Allison I'm 14 years old and I
live with OCD
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so this is my room and I have all my
stuff here
your was always at my favorite character
in Winnie the Pooh cuz I'm like the
glass half-empty kind of person so I
just felt like I understood him more
rather than the other ones which were
just like silly characters and it feels
like someone gets me I first realized I
had OCD in third grade I would be right
and we read we talked I knew it wasn't
normal
because no one else was doing it but I
just felt like it had to be done so a
normal day I would say at least three
hours are spent being anxious or doing
compulsions in my head a compulsion is
the behavior that you do either mentally
or physically to relieve the anxiety
from the obsession or intrusive thought
most of my compulsions are like Piro
which means it's mental compulsion so
instead of tapping the wall 10 times I
count my head 10 times and no one sees
it but it's definitely still there the
most I've ever done emotions were like a
day and a half without stopping I was in
fourth grade and my everybody OCD got
really bad so I couldn't write without
rewriting at least 10 times each bird I
would write something in a recent write
and erase and it would get me really
anxious and then I would look through
the paper and I would just say hide in
the bathroom and try to like not be at
school and I would try to take as much
sick days as a cat off my mom tried to
explain to that teacher about OCD like
multiple times and my teacher just made
everything worse she would rip up my
papers and throw away her teacher at the
time or wasn't really aware of what OCD
was so she would address it by saying
things like you just need practice and
at the same time I was getting made fun
of for my OCD because I was rewriting so
much everyone knew that and everyone
knew me as a person who he writes then I
remember this boy was rewriting a
sentence because he messed up and all
the kids were like oh you got the
Allyson disease I tried to play it off
as a joke who like yeah haha yeah but
when I got home one was crying to my mom
because I don't want to be known as that
I don't want to be known as the weird
person all my friends they're in a
regular school they might fail a few
tests but they're okay with it and for
me it's like I have to be in a special
school with teachers that help me 24/7
and it kind of makes me feel like I'm
not independent and I can never do
anything by myself so the general idea
what was the whole book about if you
have to put into one sentence on me
susannah which is in a psych ward
recovering from schizophrenia
so it's girls in a psych ward trying to
recover from mental illnesses awesome
that would be your sentence this book is
about what what is this book about
oh yeah so my OCD is spiking right now
because I have to write exactly what my
mom said or else in my head I feel like
it's gonna be wrong so I would just do
an exposure by not doing exactly so I
would just think of what I heard and if
it's not exact then it's not exact and I
would go out of my way to not repeat it
exposure or ERP exposure is about
prevention is exposing yourself to
anxiety so you would do the opposite of
what you're scared of and then it slowly
gets better
so this is my camera packing up my case
causes me anxiety sometimes because it's
like I have to do it perfectly or else
it's gonna get ruined or I'm gonna lose
something so like it sounds like a
normal fear but it just goes so
over-the-top that it takes me a long
time to pack it up
it took me maybe like an hour and a half
just to figure out where to put it
without being so anxious a lot of people
seem to think that if you just put
things in the right order that that is
OCD as you have everybody walking around
go go I'm a little OCD too you're not
you're so not everyone has intrusive
thoughts sometimes intrusive images but
it's not OCD OCD is when you can never
let go of it it's causing you so much
anxiety and it interferes with your
daily life for Allison everything has to
be perfect and perfect a strange thing
that doesn't exist when I take the photo
I feel like this is like the perfect
moment in time like I want to keep this
forever
I just feel free that I could take as
many as I want they can be as horrible
as it can be you just I could have just
have fun with it but when I download
them all to my phone the more photos I
have to choose from the more it like
makes me interest because I'm like but
now there's so many and what if one is
better than the other but I didn't
choose one so I'm gonna just throw this
away so it doesn't like stressed me out
usually it would take me a few minutes
and I would ask a bunch of people like
which one do you like better and when I
like one picture better and they like
the other one
it gets me like really stressed because
it's not right then there's something
not complete about me and the past my
OCD would be worse when something wasn't
just right you're perfect now it's more
like reassurance reassurance seeking is
originally it starts out very cute but
it develops into something that morphs
out of control when she was little she
used to walk around and say do you love
me
and a it's cute you have a
three-year-old asking you if you love
them you say yes I love you and then
that question would come up a hundred
fifty times a day and you think that you
should answer them because heck your kid
just asked you if you love them but they
need to make sure that they hear you
they need to be certain that they did it
the right way and that reassurance
doesn't exist over the last ten years
Allison has spent an enormous amount of
time battling this illness with all
types of medical professionals including
cognitive behavioral therapy and
exposure therapy and medication coming
into play we have amazing therapists in
the city but they're extremely expensive
and by extremely it pretty much takes an
average salary of the american worker we
were lucky that there was a grant so she
did get some relief through the grant
but as of right now I think the best
course of medicine is herself she does
the exposures herself she's making
progress
to go to gymnastics I have to put it in
a ponytail when I would do the ponytail
that was when my OCD spiked a lot and my
routine would be like using the keratin
miss so I smells a little bad I'm sorry
I would use a lot of hair ties because I
needed to be like perfect amount of like
tightness I have to do two at a time
a few months ago I have like really bad
OCD about this so to make it easier I
got like this shaved off and I put like
designs on it to make it look cute and I
only have half a head to deal with so I
made it a lot easier to conquer the OCD
I guess everyone takes a while to do
their hair but I don't think it stops
you from living if this was six to nine
months ago she would have redone the
ponytail countless times by now in fact
we've got to kind of do the opposite now
you go with as messy of hair as humanly
possible no and then like more of an
exposure was to go out with my friends
to go to gymnastics so I have to go to
places that way people can judge me
Allyson has found a place where she
belongs
she enjoys gymnastics she has always
been very strong so gymnastics has been
one of those places where she can use
that strength and not use her brain so
she's able to go in there and just exert
all the energy that she has Ali I think
is going to be involved in the LCD
community forever I think that she'll
find work in that space because it seems
to bring her joy to help others so this
was a sign that a may eat it it was just
a few weeks ago actually I went to DC
for an OCD and mental health walk I'm
active on social media and I advocate
for OCD and mental health in general it
helps me because I have a great
community around me that makes me feel
like I belong somewhere she inspires me
every day she gets up and she battles
the same demons and somehow she finds a
way to to just do it it's amazing to
watch I don't think I could do the same
I don't think I'll ever be cured of OCD
it's a lifelong thing new OECD's pop up
it could be one day not even there and
then the next day it's there and it's
full-blown really really bad and you
really just have to fight it back a day
at a time
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you
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