April 14th, 1965
Dear Eva,
It will be almost a month since you wrote to me
and you have possibly forgotten your state of mind
I doubt it though
You seem the same as always
and being you, hate every minute of it
Don't!
Learn to say,
You have every right to
Just stop thinking, worrying, looking over your shoulder,
wondering, doubting, fearing, hurting,
hoping for some easy way out,
struggling, grasping, confusing, itching, scratching,
mumbling, bumbling, grumbling,
humbling, stumbling, numbling, rambling,
gambling, tumbling, scumbling, scrambling,
hitching, hatching, bitching, moaning,
groaning, honing, boning, horse-shitting,
hair-splitting, nit-picking, piss-trickling, nose sticking,
ass-gouging, eyeball-poking, finger-pointing, alleyway-sneaking,
long waiting, small stepping, evil-eyeing, back-scratching,
searching, perching, besmirching, grinding,
grinding, grinding away at yourself
Just stop it and just--
Do!
>From your description and from what I know
of your previous work and your ability
the work you are doing sounds very good
"Drawing - clean - clear but crazy like machines,
larger and bolder... real nonsense."
That sounds fine, wonderful-- real nonsense
Do more
More nonsensical, more crazy, more machines,
more breasts, penises, cunts, whatever--
make them abound with non-sense
Try and tickle something inside you, your "weird humor"
You belong in the most secret part of you
Don't worry about cool
Make your own uncool
Make your own, your own world
If you fear, make it work for you
Draw and paint your fear and anxiety
and stop worrying about big deep things
such as "to decide on a purpose and way of life
a consistent approach to even some impossible end
or even an imagined end"
You must practice being stupid, dumb, unthinking, empty
Then you will be able to
I have much confidence in you
and even though you are tormenting yourself,
the work you do is very good.
Try to do some
the worst you can think of and see what happens
but mainly relax
Let everything go to hell
You are not responsible for the world
you are only responsible for your work-- so
And don't think that your work has to conform
to any preconceived form, idea or flavor
It can be anything you want it to be
But if life would be easier for you if you stopped working--
then
Don't punish yourself
However, I think that it is so deeply ingrained in you
that it would be easier to
It seems I do understand your attitude somewhat, anyway
because I go through a similar process every so often
I have an "agonizing reappraisal" of my work
and change everything as much as possible
and hate everything I've done
and try to do something entirely different and better!
Maybe that kind of process is necessary to me
pushing me on and on
The feeling that I can do better than that shit I just did
Maybe you need your agony to accomplish what you do
and maybe it goads you on to do better
But it is very painful, I know
It would be better if you had the confidence
just to do the stuff and not think about it
Can't you leave the "world" and "art" alone?
And also quit fondling your ego
I know that you, or anyone, can only work so much
and the rest of the time you are left with your thoughts
But when you work or before your work
you have to empty your mind
and concentrate on what you are doing
After you do something it is done and that is that
After a while you can see some are better than others
but also you can see what direction you are going
I'm sure you know all that
You also must know that you don't have to justify your work
not even to yourself
Well, you know I admire your work greatly
and can't understand why you are so bothered by it
But you can see the next ones and I can't
You must also believe in your ability
I think you do
So try the most outrageous things you can
Shock yourself!
You have at your power the ability to do anything
I would like to see your work
and will have to be content to wait until August or September
I've seen photos of some of Tom's new things at Lucy's
They're very impressive
especially the ones with the more rigorous form
The simpler ones
I guess he'll send some more later on
Let me know how the shows are going and that kind of stuff
My work has changed since you left and it is much better
I will be having a show May 4th to 29th
at the Daniels Gallery 17 East 64th Street,
where Emmerich was
I wish you could be there
Much love to you both
Sol