-Our next guest has a new stand-up special,
"Look At You," streaming now on Netflix.
Please welcome the very funny Taylor Tomlinson.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Thank you so much!
Oh, my God. It's so good to be here.
It has been a rough couple of years.
I got bangs at one point. Things got dark.
[ Laughter ]
I didn't want bangs.
I just needed people to check on me, and --
[ Laughter ]
It works, by the way. You post a selfie in bangs,
everybody's like, "Fire emoji. You go, girl!"
Then they text you, like, "You okay?"
[ Laughter ]
Here's what I did. I got bangs,
and then two days later, I did mushrooms for the first time.
[ Laughter ]
And as soon as I did those mushrooms,
I was like, "I should've done these first."
[ Laughter ]
Probably wouldn't have gotten these bangs
if I forgave myself, huh?
But you know what?
Having bangs feels exactly like being on mushrooms.
The whole time, you're just looking at your friends like,
"Do I look weird?" [ Laughter ]
"You guys would tell me if I looked weird, right?"
[ Laughter ]
They're like, "Don't tell her. She'll freak out."
[ Laughter ]
I finally found an anti-depressant
that works for me, which is great.
A lot of my friends scared me by getting on them.
I had a lot of friends who were like,
"I tried to get on anti-depressants.
I just didn't like how I felt on them.
I didn't feel like myself on them."
And now that I'm on them, I'm like "Yeah, me neither.
It's the best!"
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Right?
And I do feel like myself.
I just feel like now someone's sitting on me,
going, "Shh! Stop talking.
We are trying to help you. You will ruin everything.
Go to sleep. Choose a different adventure."
[ Laughter ]
I didn't know anti-depressants
were an option when I was growing up.
When I was in high school, I was like,
"Dad, I think I'm depressed,"
and he was like, "You just need some protein.
Get a scoop of peanut butter." [ Laughter ]
Yeah, there's a lot of conservative dads out there
just white-knuckling it through life right now,
clinging to a jar of chunky Jif like it's the answer.
Just a buoy in the storm. Like, "It'll pass!"
[ Laughter ]
The only mental-health advice my dad ever gave me is,
I was having panic attacks in high school,
and I didn't know what they were, and I was like,
"I don't know what to do when I feel like this.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do."
And he goes, "All right.
All I can tell you is that when you feel like this,
get as far away from the people you care about as possible."
[ Laughter ]
"Until you feel different."
Which is advice you give a werewolf.
Like... [ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Just run into the woods till you're not a monster anymore.
Don't let them see you change.
They won't accept you for what you truly are."
I did read something recently that said
if you had a difficult childhood,
you need to learn how to parent yourself as an adult.
So I've been trying to do that.
I've been trying to parent myself.
But I kind of feel like I got pregnant with me
in high school and, uh... [ Laughter ]
...I was not ready for this responsibility.
Not supposed to shake me. Just found that out.
[ Laughter ]
And now every day, I wake up totally overwhelmed.
Just like, "Okay.
If I let you watch TikTok on my phone for 40 minutes,
will you please stop crying?"
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
All my friends are like, "Are you okay?"
I'm like, "No, I think I have colic.
I kept me up all night."
[ Laughter ]
Lot of my friends are settling down.
Some of them are just settling, end of sentence.
[ Laughter ]
You guys have those couples in your lives?
Yeah. [ Scattered cheers ]
Yeah, where one person in the couple is way hotter
and cooler than the other person in the couple?
I like to call those couples chocolate-covered raisins.
[ Laughter ]
'Cause they're like, "Sure, you could put those two together...
If you want." [ Laughter ]
But every time you see them, you're like,
"Chocolate, what are you doing? Like...
[ Laughter ]
Like, you could've been with anybody.
You could've been with caramel,
you could've been with marshmallow,
you could've been with peanut butter,
who I heard cures depression..."
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
"...and you want to be with a raisin forever?
Like, no offense, raisin. You're great.
We love you. Nature's candy -- that's you.
But you belong with, like, oatmeal.
Like, let's be honest." [ Laughter ]
Aren't you scared every day that someone's gonna come along
and suck chocolate right off of you?
I love doing that joke because I like to feel
couples in the audience getting nervous.
Like, "Am I chocolate or raisin?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
"We're both chocolate, right, babe?
We're chocolate-covered chocolate?
We're like the little Lindor guys in the foil, you know?
I'm the creamy part, and you're the shell
'cause you're so strong and if you leave me, I'll be a mess?"
Thank you so much, "Tonight Show."
I appreciate it. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Oh, my gosh!
Didn't see the peanut-butter callback coming at all!
Taylor Tomlinson!
That is how you do it right there.
"Look At You" is streaming now on Netflix.