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there's a trend in the spiritual self-help and personal development fields for people getting
very confused about the difference between being shamed and feeling shame in response to something
instead of beating around the bush let's just get right to it shall we shame is a biological
affective reaction that happens when we fear that there's going to be a social consequence
such as separation or punishment for something about us when I say about us that could mean
anything could mean something we think could mean something we feel could mean something we want
could mean something that we like something we don't like something we do something we don't do
Etc perceived social consequence is a very big deal for us because as people we are
relationally dependent as children and honestly as adults we need other people in order to thrive
so when we perceive that there will be a social consequence for something about us
what we do is we unconsciously separate ourselves from that thing about us
we create an internal triangulation Dynamic against ourselves so as to establish closeness
with whomever we want closeness with socially that internal fragmentation that is occurring
or that occurred long ago is felt is the emotion that we call shame this is happening even if and
we might even say it especially if we become defensive of whatever we feel shame about
being a social species feeling shame is a natural and biological affective reaction in some
cases we could even say that it's a pro-social response because it lent itself to our survival
when we feel shame we feel as if something about us is not good and is not in the right and because
of that we fear we might experience some social consequence if we want our knees to be met if we
want to survive in society and have a chance at feeling things like love and belonging and
contribution and safety we essentially have one option to adopt the values and the standards of
the society that we are born into or that we want to be a part of and to hold ourselves to those
standards because of this it can also be said that when we feel shame we are comparing ourselves to
our adopted standards and we are falling short and we feel really bad about ourselves because of it
the thing is we can feel shame in response to all kinds of situations
for example we can experience it when we see someone else experience a social consequence for
something about them that we identify with we can feel it in response to realizing that we have done
something to harm someone else we can feel it when someone does better at something than we did we
can feel it when we aren't included in something that we want to be included in we can feel it
when we don't act according to our values we can feel it when someone reacts negatively emotionally
we can feel it when someone sets a boundary for themselves or a boundary for their own life
we can feel it when someone directly verbally communicates with us about a problem
especially if we're the one causing it we can feel it when someone gives us a reality check
we can feel it when somebody is trying to help us by showing us what we're doing that's out
of alignment and what we need to do essentially to make it better we can feel that when we learn
information that causes us to realize that we have done something wrong or made a mistake
what else we can feel it when someone reflects something about us that they don't like
we can feel it when we see something about ourselves that we don't like
um we can feel it when someone expresses disapproval for literally anything that
we identify with Etc and we can also feel it
when we're being shamed to shame someone is to use that natural biological affective reaction of
Shame as a tool for manipulating and controlling them to suit your interests for example let's
say that a parent believes that masturbation is a sin and let's say that they catch their
child doing it that parent wants to control their child's behavior and so they may immediately act
in a way so as to suggests that the child does not stop masturbating and ever does it again
that Parent's Love will be withdrawn and the child faces damnation
what happens is this child immediately triangulates against the part of themselves
that has the desire to masturbate and does not do it again their behavior is officially controlled
this being said I need to make you aware of the fact that much about the process of
socialization that took place in the past and that takes place today is a process of shaming
so as to create the desired behavior that we want so again shaming is a controlled tactic
this is where we need to start to split hairs when you enter into a relationship you will run
into the experience where something about the other person causes a problem for you
because there are always consequences both positive and negative for anything that a person
does or doesn't do there will be consequences for the person being or not being a certain way
doing or not doing a certain thing and the same is true in reverse
for example let's say that you're a politician and the press and the public judges you by the conduct
of the people that you associate with you may need to have that personal boundary that your partner
does not go out to nightclubs and get totally drunk if your spouse does that or your partner
does that you're going to react negatively and if they don't stop doing this the consequence will be
that you most likely can't be in that relationship anymore the politician's partner may feel shame in
response to this but it's not actually fair to say that they are being shamed because they met with
a social consequence for doing a certain thing or being a certain way the politician may want
his or her partner to behave in a certain way but we cannot say that this politician is quote
controlling their partner the politician is simply asserting his or her personal truth and boundary
the partner is then in the position to consider that truth and Boundary and come back with their
own truth and their own boundary if we consider it controlling for there to be any social consequence
for our actions or lack thereof and expect to be positively reacted to no matter what we do or
don't do we in fact open the door wide for us to abuse other people in relationships ironically in
the same way that using shame as a control tactic in relationships can be abusive in relationships
if you want to learn more about this you can watch my video titled that no matter what pattern in
relationships feedback in a relationship is essential to a healthy relationship it's not
accurate to say that this is shaming even if it causes the other person to feel shame there is a
difference between someone trying to manipulate and control you and someone who is communicating
that they need you to choose to make a change or stand by something so that they can make a change
I want you to remember that anytime that somebody's manipulating they feel as if a
need can't be met in a direct way and as a result they're going through the
back door by doing something indirect to try to bring about what they want
it is common for people with high degrees of fragmentation due to being shamed in
the past and therefore a poor self-esteem to feel shame in response to almost everything
they then mistake that feeling of shame that arises within them for being shamed
and thus they feel manipulated and attacked even when they are not being ashamed they are not
being manipulated and they are not being attacked problem is because of this perception they can't
take reflection and feedback they accuse other people of shaming them when all they're doing is
sharing of Truth and they cause other people to feel like they're walking on broken glass
all of which are contradictory to truth it's a contradictory forced to functional relationships
and it's also a contradictory forced person's growth people with this kind of trauma around
shame are essentially walking around the world believing that no one should ever feel shame and
therefore everything that causes someone to feel shame is bad and wrong they tend to say things
like stop shaming me or that's really shaming every time they feel an emotion that is painful
remember that things that may cause them to feel shame include things like direct verbal
communication about a problem honesty any negative emotional reaction a reality check someone trying
to help them in some way by showing them what they're doing wrong and what they need to do
different okay you get the point right when we confuse feeling ashamed with being ashamed we
become the kind of person who requires that all people around us never do and never say
anything that causes us to feel shame or else we will put them in the role of a bad guy and
thus their victim and the reality is guess what it's not possible it's not possible for anyone
to never say or never do anything that causes the sensation of shame to arise within us therefore
when we feel sham we need to own it immediately as a reaction that's occurring within us in response
to someone or something else we then need to do the personal work regarding that shame
and guess what this is true no matter whether we are simply feeling shame in response to something
or we are in fact being shamed if you want to learn more about this you can
watch my video titled how to overcome shame there's also an entire section of my book the
anatomy of loneliness about shame and what to do about it once we have done the personal work
regarding our shame in the unhealed pain and personal beliefs that it points to within us
we need to work out and not just assume what motives the other person has for saying what
they said or doing what they did it may be that they said what they said or did what they did for
our benefit in fact it may be that what they said or did is for themselves and that it's a
personal plea regarding something they need from us or something that they're desperate to avoid
but let's just say that a person is using shame as a control tactic it means they want you to do
or not do something be or not be some way the question is why and once you have that answer
what is your truth about that what you need to do is to address the desire of theirs as
well as your truth about it in a direct way with them that's the origin of relationship
if someone is completely closed-minded about something on account of them thinking that no
matter what something is bad and wrong it's a guarantee that there's pain motivating
that close-mindedness there is something that they're very afraid of and or were very hurt by
and I can promise you that addressing and caretaking that hurt will go a lot further
than getting into a war regarding the rightness or wrongness okayness or Badness of something
in an Ideal World a person will see that they're shaming someone And when they see that they would
consciously see what they are desperate for the other person to be or not be or do or not do they
would then inquire internally as to why they would go about having the relationship with the other
person in a much more direct way instead of a manipulative way they would face the threat behind
their closed-mindedness about certain things being wrong or bad or good and right essentially they
would do their own internal work as well Regarding why they are shaming other people in the same way
that someone who feels shame would do their own internal work about why they are feeling shame
where do we need to go with this next Mutual consideration Mutual consideration is an
essential element of any relationship therefore a person should care how what they are doing and
saying makes you feel if you are with somebody who demonstrates that they don't care how you
feel they simply want you to be how they want you to be and do what they want you to do
then unfortunately you're not in a healthy relationship because you're not being considered
Mutual consideration is an essential part of a healthy relationship but not to the degree that
someone can't be real in the relationship with us not to the degree that they can't
be honest not to the degree that they can't have an emotional negative reaction not to the degree
that they can't directly communicate with us about a problem not to the degree that they
can't show us what we're doing that isn't working and what we need to do differently
not to the degree that they can't set a boundary for themselves or for their life
not to the degree that they can't share information that causes us to realize
that we have done something wrong or have made a mistake not to the degree that they are walking
on eggshells around us so that we never feel the sensation of Shame and certainly not the
degree that we only take feedback and reflection if it is positive feedback and positive reflection
so again to reiterate the feeling that we call shame is a natural biological
affective reaction that is occurring When We Fear social consequence to shame someone is to
use that natural biological affective reaction of Shame as a tool for manipulating and controlling
someone to suit your own interests there's a big difference between feeling shame and being ashamed
for the good week if you liked this video be sure to hit the like button subscribe to my
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icon to be notified of the next time that I post a video I want to thank you personally
for The Bravery that you have to step into awareness I'll see you in the next video [Music]