- The main thing that's gonna hold you back
in your love life is fear.
It's what holds every one of us back,
but what's interesting are the different varieties of fear
that tend to cause us to hold back
or not move forward or stall out,
and you might be the person, if you're really empathetic,
if you really care about people
and you care about their experience,
one of the fears that might be holding you back
that most people don't talk about
is the fear of rejecting others.
So many people talk about,
"Well, I have a fear of abandonment
or I have the fear of being rejected.
I have the fear of getting hurt again or being betrayed,"
and all of that, but the sneaky little fear
of rejecting others is one that can cause us
to minimize our experiences.
It can cause us to minimize the possibilities
that we have in our life.
So, for example, if you are afraid of rejecting others,
then you're the kinda person
that you won't even accept a date if a guy is a maybe.
Like you looking at a guy's online profile
or you looking at a guy at a street
or across the bar or wherever you are,
you've gotta know, hmm,
there's a really good chance I'm not gonna reject him
even to give yourself the shot.
And the challenge is that completely reduces
the number of opportunities that you have,
and I would argue that the guy
that you ultimately fall in love with,
there's a good chance
that it's not gonna be love at first sight.
I know we all want that. We all want that romance.
We all want the lightning bolt reaction,
but let me tell you, of all the research that's out there,
some people have that,
but that is not an indicator of things that last.
There've been a lot of people
who had love at first sight and this lightning bolt
that got together and it exploded or imploded.
(laughs) They're no longer together.
There are a lot of people who were like, huh,
exploring somebody and giving it a chance,
and then it just ignited,
like this friendship that caught fire
or this kind of lukewarm thing that just became
a boil of attraction between the two of them.
So in order to get there,
we've got to reconcile the fear of rejecting others.
Now, that doesn't mean you have to be
a cruel person or a heartless person,
but it does mean we need to reframe what rejection is,
so I'm gonna give you a few ideas
for how to reframe rejection
so you can shift your relationship with it
and unlock so many possibilities
that are just waiting for you right now in your love life.
So here's the first frame.
Make sure that you see him as more capable
than you've been giving him credit for,
and here's what I mean.
When we're afraid of rejecting somebody,
it's because we're afraid
of the pain we're gonna cause them.
We feel like it's gonna devastate them,
and we felt that way,
and we don't wanna be the inflictor
of that pain on anyone else.
Well, give him more credit than that.
Look at this, he's been rejected before,
and here he is still dating.
He's out there, he's trying to find love.
If he gets rejected again, he'll be okay.
He's more resilient than you're giving him credit for.
Number two is you are not responsible
for other people's feelings.
This was a big one for me to really get.
I'm not responsible for how they feel.
I'm responsible for speaking my truth,
being upfront and honest,
bringing my best to the relationship,
but if it means we're not gonna work out,
then it's my responsibility to say that.
I'm not responsible for how they feel,
and we will often exaggerate
how we think the other person's gonna feel.
We often blow it out of proportion.
I can remember dating somebody
and being really nervous about rejecting her.
I was like, oh, man, like, ugh,
I don't wanna go through the tears.
I don't want to go through, like,
the guilt and the, ugh, the thing,
and I just put it off, put it off.
Finally I called her up and I was like,
"Hey, look, you know, (clicks tongue)
I'm just not really feeling it
and I just don't think it's right for us
to see each other anymore," and she was like, "Okay."
And she was like, "Yeah, I was kind of feeling
the same thing, and we're on the same page,"
and I was like, there was a part of me that was like,
"Wait, wait, you don't like me?" (laughs)
Like, we all get offended
when the person's kind of feeling
the same way we are, right,
but here's the thing, give them credit.
They're way more resilient than you're originally thinking
if you're afraid of rejecting them
and they know rejection is a part of the landscape.
Frame number two that you can put on this
is to know that rejection is
the most loving thing that you can do.
There are these times when you might be
in a relationship with this guy
and it might be going on two or three or four months
and you can see his level of love for you deepening,
deepening, deepening, going more intense,
and you kind of backing off,
like you're like, "I don't feel like we're a match,"
and so you are afraid of rejecting him
because he loves you so much and what you have is good.
The connection you have is good.
You're going on dates
and there's a lot of good, it's just not great,
and it's just not what you want long term,
and you're thinking,
"Should I go through the holidays with him
or should I just elongate it a little bit more?"
Know this, rejecting this man,
telling him your truth, ending this relationship,
is actually the most loving thing you can do,
because if you are not reciprocating his emotion,
his feeling, if you're not reciprocating
that love the same way he is,
then you are standing in the way
of him receiving the love that he deserves.
There is a woman out there who will love him that way.
There is a woman out there who is right for him,
who's a fit for him, and while it will be painful,
it will sting when that relationship
with you ends, it opens the door.
It parts the ways for him to receive the love
that is truly meant for him.
So take the long view.
The second frame here is the long view that, oh,
this really is the most loving thing that I can do for him
'cause I'm setting him free to really receive the love
that he's meant and deserves.
And this third frame is a powerful one,
and it really goes along with number two,
and that is delaying the conversation
is holding him hostage.
Think about that for a moment.
Delaying the conversation
to end the relationship is holding him hostage.
He's in this relationship because he thinks
there's potential with you.
He's in this relationship because he thinks
it can go somewhere with you,
and if you know, if you're certain that it won't,
if you're certain you're done,
you're certain you're out, then don't delay anymore.
Have this conversation with him. Set him free.
Don't keep him hostage in this relationship.
Set him free so he can actually be with the person
who's gonna love him the way he deserves to be loved,
and you, the same thing.
It doesn't just hold him hostage.
You're holding yourself hostage in this relationship.
So I love these three frames,
that give him more credit
than you've been giving him in the past,
know that setting him free
is really loving him in the long run, and it's key.
It's setting him free from being in a hostage situation,
which is a little bit harsh to say,
but it's actually the reality if you know
that you're done with this relationship.
All of that is the most loving thing that you can do,
and when you give yourself permission,
you're not responsible for anyone else's feelings,
he knows the landscape,
everyone knows the landscape about rejection,
you open up all these possibilities.
You're like, okay, let me go on a date.
If it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
Let me explore this possibility.
If it doesn't work, it doesn't work,
and when you open the field that wide,
you actually open your heart even wider.
Interesting, isn't it?
You open your heart to a degree
that you're able to attract and find love even faster.
So I normally don't end my videos this way,
but in light of this particular topic,
in light of this particular video,
let me just say to you, happy rejecting.
Have a lot of fun, throw the net wide,
and attract the love of your life.
(upbeat music)