There's no shortage of great horror movies out there... but there's also a graveyard
full of certified clunkers just waiting to terrorize you with their terribleness.
"You're with the witch people."
"Lady, I'm just here to buy groceries."
"Witch!!"
We scoured Rotten Tomatoes to find some of the worst horror movies ever made, and they
aren't for the faint of heart.
Or pretty much anyone else for that matter.
Please squash Human Centipede 3
"Run, Jenny!"
"Aahh!"
Newsflash: All three installments of The Human Centipede are absolutely awful.
Unless, of course, you like movies about invasive butt surgery.
After torturing audiences with the first two films in the series, director Tom Six returned
in 2015 to finish the job with The Human Centipede 3.
Watching this film feels like work, but without the paycheck or health benefits.
Dieter Laser, who played the villainous surgeon in the first two installments, inexplicably
returns as a new, equally hideous character: a Texas prison warden.
Meanwhile, our condolences to Eric Roberts' career:
"What the hell is this?"
Like its predecessors, The Human Centipede 3 lacks substance, style, and any kind of
smarts.
To put it another way: this movie will make you feel like you're at the end of the centipede.
"This is exactly what America needs."
The Happening ain't happening
Following the success of blockbusters like The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable, M. Night
Shyamalan was considered Hollywood's plot-twist king.
But his reputation took a twisty downturn after lackluster responses to films like Signs,
The Village, and Lady in the Water.
Still, the worst was yet to come.
"Just a second"
"There were children in that room!"
In 2008, Shyamalan released his first R-rated film The Happening, which starred Mark Wahlberg
as an unlikely science teacher caught up in a biological mystery.
Mayhem is sweeping the country and countless people take their own lives, and it's up to
Wahlberg to figure out what's going on.
And it's too bad he did.
The big twist is the cinematic equivalent of a belly flop: The population is being attacked
by the Earth's plants, which is spreading a toxin through the air to defend themselves
against destructive humans.
Unfortunately, they only got their revenge on moviegoers.
"I just wanna talk in a very positive manner.
Giving off good vibes.
We're just here to use the bathroom."
Blair Witch 2 is cursed
"I'm scared to close my eyes, and I'm scared to open them."
In 1999, The Blair Witch Project took audiences by storm, birthing the found footage genre.
Seizing on the moment, Artisan Entertainment fast-tracked a sequel, Book of Shadows: Blair
Witch 2.
The movie follows a group of Blair Witch fanatics as they venture out to the Black Hills to
explore the legend first-hand.
"I thought the movie was cool."
The film abandons the tone of the first film, opting for lots of random violence that doesn't
distract from the fact that the film is a total bore.
To make matters all the more confusing, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 doesn't actually
feature a Book of Shadows.
But it does feature time travel, amateur psychics, and this guy:
"I'm finished now."
Jaws: The Revenge totally bites
"Jaws, The Revenge.
This time it's personal."
When a film's tagline is the most creative part of a film, you know you're in dark waters.
A decade after Steven Spielberg created the summer blockbuster with Jaws, Universal released
Jaws: The Revenge.
Currently holding a zero percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, the film is arguably one
of the worst movies ever made.
Trying to explain the premise to the Archive of American Television, director Joseph Sargent
can barely get the words out:
"That a shark… could… wreak vengeance…for killing his cousins, or whatever they were"
The film stars Lorraine Gary as Ellen Brody, the wife of the late Martin Brody, played
by Roy Scheider in the original film.
Ellen becomes convinced her family is being stalked by a vengeful shark… and she's right.
Odder still, this particular shark even roars:
Creepshow 3: Just no
"Ah, ah, aaahh!"
1982's Creepshow was a delight from start to finish.
The freakily fun anthology film pairs up horror masters Stephen King and George A. Romero
and it delivers plenty of camp, carnage, and killer style.
It was followed up in 1987 by the weaker but still entertaining Creepshow 2 . And then
in 2006, Creepshow 3 happened.
The film is terrible, which explains its frightening zero percent score on Rotten Tomatoes.
King and Romero had nothing to do with this shlock, so instead of demonic cockroaches
and monsters in crates, we get this…
"Professor Dayton, wait!"
As legendary makeup artist Tom Savini says, Tales from the Darkside: The Movie is the
real Creepshow 3.
So watch that instead.
"I warned them but they wouldn't listen!"