Hello I m Darren Magee and todays topic is continuing on from many questions I've
had around trauma bonding. Now in previous videos I've looked at what trauma bonding is,
I've looked at the stages of trauma bonding. I've also looked at some of
the signs and the effects of having been trauma bonded and I'll put the
links to those videos in the description of this one if you want to check those out.
In this video I'm going to just look at some ideas you might want to consider to help you to break
free from having been trauma bonded. So you like this video, if you find it interesting or helpful,
please consider subscribing to my channel. So just to recap, a trauma bond is an intense emotional
attachment that people can feel if they have been in or are in a long term abusive relationship.
It often occurs where there is a one sided power balance where things like love, trust, resources,
fears of abandonment, they are exploited and they re exploited through both positive and negative
reinforcement. There can be a lot of neglect, abuse, punishing, but every once in a while
little bread crumbs of love and affection are thrown out. What the abuser does is they create a
false sense of love in order to be able to control and manipulate their victim. And some of the
long term affects of having been trauma bonded can have someone struggling with internalised
negative and chaotic energy. Past fears, past love can turn into both disdain and hatred
for their abuser. But there can also be a sympathy. There can be a compassion,
sometimes even a loyalty towards them. There can be a lot of questions around what went wrong and
what could I have done to make it better and would it be better this time if I were to go back?
And trying to break free from a trauma bond can be like trying to break an addiction.
That's not always easy and it doesn't come without its withdrawal symptoms. And I'm not going to
suggest that it is easy but what I will say to you is difficult is not the same as impossible
and not right now at this moment is not the same as not ever. Breaking free can take time,
patience and a lot of self compassion. So here are just a few ideas to help with your recovery. First
of all, educate yourself. Now let me qualify that. A lot of people who have been in narcissistic
abusive relationships do tend to become experts on their ex partner, and that's not necessarily a bad
thing. There can be something quite empowering about being able to give a name to that kind of
behaviour. But what I mean is educate yourself on things like how to be assertive and how to manage
your boundaries. Become more aware of yourself. Learn to recognise your own triggers. For example,
what buttons did that person or those people, what buttons did they push in order to get the
reactions that they wanted. When you recognise your triggers, you have something to disarm.
Now that doesn't necessarily mean they go away, but the next time you're triggered by that person
or someone like them, rather than reacting the way you normally did. What you do is you learn how
to respond. Now when it comes an abusive person, if you react, they have control. If you respond,
you have control. Also, learn what a healthy relationship looks like now. It doesn't
necessarily have to be a romantic one. It could be with work colleagues, friends, family members.
Learn what it is to be heard, to be listened to, to be validated. Learn what it is to be respected.
Learn what real give and take looks like in relationships. Next, a common
symptom of having been trauma bonded can be a strong desire to let that person who hurt you
know what you think of them. To let them know that you're doing much better without them,
that you're healing, and in some cases this can become obsessive. But the need to let them know
can actually entrench you even further. It can lead to constantly overthinking, ruminating and
rehearsing conversations. It can feel sometimes as if they are the only person who can fiction.
There is a need to hear them apologise or at least acknowledge their behaviour or see them
defeated somehow, and this can become consuming. Now this is the thing about narcissistic people.
They like to win. By their very nature they are disagreeable. They generally
don't compromise or accept responsibility. If you ever do get to say what you want to say,
chances are they will deny it, they will lie or they will gaslight you. Because many have had a
lifetime to learn how to manipulate, blame shift, and some even thrive on arguments and drama.
They may just ignore you or laugh at you ordestroy your point with nonsensical reasoning, or worse
still try to destroy you for challenging them. So maybe take a step back, try to create some space,
some distance, and in that space it can be easier to use that same energy
to work towards your recovery. Thirdly, stop blaming and punishing yourself. Now if you
believe yourself to be weak, stupid, or you don't deserve any better, or everything that
happened or maybe is still happening is all your fault. Maybe you should have done this,
maybe you should have said that. Youu kno what? Maybe it's time to stop. Now I know that sounds
easier said than done, but if that was a long term relationship, chances are you were brainwashed.
Maybe now it's time to do a little bit of un brain washing. Show yourself, treat yourself with
a little bit of compassion, become emotionally available to yourself. In abusive relationships
is not uncommon for people to internalise their thoughts and their feelings. This is
usually out of fear, shame and guilt, they're going to be belittled somehow. And when these
things become internalised, they can become quite corrosive. So maybe name your feelings, own them.
Learn to express them in a healthy way. Learn how to regulate them. Your feelings can inform you,
they don't necessarily have to make decisions for you. To help with that learn how to self sooth.
Make decisions that will support your self care. Talk to yourself in a compassionate,
reflective and understanding way. Remind yourself that you re on a journey of healing
and constantly berating yourself, might be holding you back from healing. Next recognise that maybe
you're grieving. Now grief isn't just feeling sad. It can be a lot of things. We can feel a
wide range of things when we grieve. We can feel denial, anger, guilt, depression, so many things.
Recognise your grieving and recognise what you're grieving. Because often at the end
of narcissistic relationships we grieve the version of them that we fell in love with,
not the real them that we got to know. We grieve the relationship we would have liked to have had,
not the one we actually had. Also, when it comes to that grief, maybe recognise, maybe you're
grieving a part of yourself. The part of yourself that loved them once. The part of you that wanted,
needed and long for them. That part of you that felt absolutely wonderful and amazing in those
early stages when they were love bombing you. May also be grieving all that time, money, energy,
affection that you wasted on them. And I think that grieving that part of ourselves is one of
the reasons why breaking a trauma bond and can be so difficult. So in order to maybe help with that
maybe think about forming, building supportive relationships with others.
Because if you think about it, abusive people really tend to isolate their victims in order
to be able to trauma bond them. So a good way to help dissolve those bonds
is to utilise as much support as you can. Utilise healthy, supportive people around
you that bring out the best in your and that care about you. Maybe consider joining a support group.
Now support groups can give me a place to not only talk about your experiences, but listen to
the experiences of others. And hearing from others who have been through similar things
can help you realise that actually you're not alone. And that can bring a sense of connection.
You might want to consider talking to a counsellor or psychotherapist. Therapy can be helpful in
many different ways. It can provide education and context. You can discuss and explore strategies to
aid with the healing process. And lastly recognise that your recovery is a journey, it s not a mad
dash. So there are just some ideas to help with breaking trauma bonds. There are many more things
I could have added, and maybe I'll revisit this topic at some point in the future. But in the mean
time, I would encourage you if there's anything that you found helpful that I haven't mentioned
and if you feel comfortable enough, please use the comment box below, someone might read it and
might really benefit from your experience and your wisdom. So until next time, thanks for watching.