WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER TO BE
WITH ALL OF YOU RIGHT NOW.
WHAT A PRIVILEGE IT IS TO COME OUT HERE AND TALK ABOUT ALL OF
THE FEELINGS.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: SOME OF THEM GOOD, SOME OF THEM BAD, BUT HUMAN
FEELINGS WE CAN SHARE THROUGH THE MIRACLE OF TELEVISION.
HERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE A FEELING ABOUT --
THE TRUMP TRAIN KEEPS ON ROLLING DOWN THEM CRAZY TRACKS.
( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, TRUMP SUMMONED ALL
THE BIGWIGS OF TV NEWS, FOLKS LIKE CNN PRESIDENT JEFF ZUCKER
AND NBC ANCHOR LESTER HOLT, TO TRUMP TOWER.
NATURALLY, THEY ALL ASSUMED THEY WERE BEING NAMED SECRETARY OF
STATE.
HE'S GOING TO HAVE, LIKE, 20 SECRETARIES OF STATE.
A LOT OF COUNTRIES, MAKES SENSE.
ONCE THEY GOT THERE, OUR NATION'S MOST PROMINENT
MEDIA FIGURES WERE DRESSED DOWN AND TOLD, "WE'RE IN A ROOM OF
LIARS," AND HE TOLD CNN'S JEFF ZUCKER, "I HATE YOUR NETWORK
EVERYONE AT CNN IS A LIAR."
OKAY, I MIGHT BE WITH HIM ON THAT ONE.
I MEAN, WHY IS ANTHONY BOURDAIN ON THE CABLE NEWS NETWORK?
EATING NOODLES IS NOT NEWS!
AND REPORTEDLY, TRUMP TOLD THE PRESIDENT OF NBC NEWS THAT HER
NETWORK WON'T RUN A NICE PICTURE OF HIM, INSTEAD CHOOSING "THIS
PICTURE OF ME," AS HE MADE A FACE WITH A DOUBLE CHIN.
YEAH, NBC, STOP USING UNFLATTERING PICTURES OF DONALD
TRUMP.
HE'S SO PHOTOGENIC, HE RUNS THE -- THE MAN -- THERE'S NO BAD
PICTURES OF HIM!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
COME ON, JIMMIE, PUT THAT BACK UP THERE.
HE RUNS THE GAMUT FROM "I JUST ATE A BUG" ALL THE WAY TO "MAY I
LICK THE BRIDE?" YOU MAY NOT.
( APPLAUSE ) OF COURSE, WHEN NOT BERATING THE
MEDIA, THE PRESIDENT-ELECT HAS BEEN BUSY FILLING HIS CABINET.
SO FAR, WE KNOW HIS PICK FOR ATTORNEY GENERAL: ALABAMA
SENATOR AND ALBINO SMURF, JEFF SESSIONS.
IF SENATOR SESSIONS BECOMES ATTORNEY GENERAL, HE WOULD BE IN
CHARGE OF ENFORCING OUR NATION'S CIVIL RIGHTS LAWS.
AND IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE HE STANDS ON CIVIL RIGHTS, THERE'S
A HINT IN HIS FULL NAME: JEFFERSON BEAUREGARD
SESSIONS III.
( IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT ) I SAY TO YOU, SIR!
I DO DECLARE!
THE ONLY WAY THAT COULD SOUND MORE CONFEDERATE IS IF HE WERE
NAMED "GENERAL STONEWALL SECESSION MCCOTTON-GIN."
( LAUGHTER ) OF THE BIRMINGHAM
McCOTTON-GINS.
I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUAL!
( LAUGHTER ) IN FACT, DURING THE REAGAN
ADMINISTRATION, HE WAS DENIED A JUDICIAL APPOINTMENT OVER SOME
ALLEGATIONS OF RACISM.
AMONG OTHER THINGS, A COWORKER CLAIMS SESSIONS SAID HE WAS OKAY
WITH THE KLAN "UNTIL I LEARNED THEY SMOKED POT."
( LAUGHTER ) COME ON.
YOU SHOULD'VE KNOWN THEY SMOKED POT WHEN THEY STARTED CALLING
THEMSELVES "WIZARDS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
HE MIGHT BE THE ONLY POLITICIAN IN HISTORY TO GO DOWN THINKING
THE KLAN IS TOO CHILL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP'S FRONTRUNNER TO LEAD
THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY APPEARS TO BE KANSAS
SECRETARY OF STATE AND MIDDLE SCHOOL FOOTBALL COACH WHO'S NOT
ALLOWED ON THE FIELD ANYMORE, KRIS KOBACH.
WHEN KOBACH MET WITH TRUMP, SOMETHING TELLS ME HE CAME
PREPARED WITH A STRATEGIC PLAN FOR THE FIRST 365 DAYS.
AND BY "SOMETHING" I MEAN THIS PICTURE, WHERE HE IS CLEARLY
HOLDING HIS STRATEGIC PLAN FOR THE FIRST 365 DAYS.
>> WELL, THAT'S HOMELAND SECURITY.
THE ONLY WAY THOSE PLANS COULD BE SAFER IS IF HE STORED THEM ON
HIS PRIVATE EMAIL SERVER.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( APPLAUSE )
DURING THE CAMPAIGN, DONALD TRUMP PROMISED TO DO A LOT OF
THINGS AS PRESIDENT, AND MAYBE STRANGEST AND STRONGEST WAS HIS
PROMISE, HIS PLEDGE, HIS RALLYING CRY TO JAIL HILLARY
CLINTON.
>> IF I WIN, I AM GOING TO INSTRUCT MY ATTORNEY GENERAL TO
GET A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR TO LOOK INTO YOUR SITUATION BECAUSE
THERE HAS NEVER BEEN SO MANY LIES, SO MUCH DECEPTION.
THERE HAS NEVER BEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT, AND WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR.
>> YOU KNOW, IT IS... IT'S JUST AWFULLY GOOD THAT SOMEONE WITH
THE TEMPERAMENT OF DONALD TRUMP IS NOT IN CHARGE OF THE LAW IN
OUR COUNTRY.
>> BECAUSE YOU'D BE IN JAIL.
SECRETARY CLINTON -- ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Stephen: WOO-HOO HOO!
OH, I WAS A HAPPIER TIME WHEN JUST THE IDEA OF DONALD TRUMP
WAS TERRIFYING INSTEAD OF THE REALITY.
BUT TODAY, ON MSNBC'S "COFFEE JOE MORNING," HILLARY GOT SOME
GOOD NEWS.
>> WE BEGIN WITH BREAKING NEWS: A SOURCE WITH DIRECT KNOWLEDGE
OF DONALD TRUMP'S THINKING TELLS "MORNING JOE" THAT, IN HIS
ADMINISTRATION, THE PRESIDENT-ELECT WILL NOT PURSUE
ANY INVESTIGATIONS INTO HILLARY CLINTON FOR HER USE OF A PRIVATE
E-MAIL SERVER AND THE CLINTON FOUNDATION.
>> I THINK WHEN THE PRESIDENT-ELECT, WHO'S ALSO THE
HEAD OF YOUR PARTY NOW, JOE, TELLS YOU BEFORE HE'S EVEN
INAUGURATED HE DOESN'T WISH TO PURSUE THESE CHARGES, IT SENDS A
VERY STRONG MESSAGE.
>> STEPHEN: THAT STRONG MESSAGE: IGNORE ALL MY PREVIOUS STRONG
MESSAGES.
( APPLAUSE ) AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT
THAT IS SOMETHING I'LL BE GIVING THANKS FOR THIS THURSDAY.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JAMES MARSDEN IS HERE.
AND WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE ABOUT COOKING
YOUR TURKEY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪