♪♪
-Let's get to the news.
According to a new report,
House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy
has hired former President Trump's
White House political director Brian Jack
to help Republicans win back the House in 2022,
though it's unclear if Jack can recapture the magic
that helped Trump lose by eight million votes.
After Senator Bernie Sanders criticized him
on Twitter last week for his multibillion-dollar fortune,
Tesla founder Elon Musk tweeted,
"I am accumulating resources to help make life multiplanetary
& extend the light of consciousness to the stars,"
and then, he coughed for like five minutes straight.
[ Laughter ] New York representative Tom Reed
was accused last week of sexual misconduct.
Okay, well, that's strike one of,
apparently, thirty?
Britain's Queen Elizabeth is reportedly set
to appoint a diversity czar, after Duchess Meghan Markle
accused the royal family of racism.
Because, when I think,
"sensitivity to the disenfranchised,"
I think "czar." [ Laughter ]
According to reports, several young White House staffers
have been put on probation or fired,
due to past marijuana use.
So, if anyone asks,
this is just tobacco.
Calms him down, makes him less likely to bite.
Virginia Commonwealth University's basketball team
was pulled out of the NCAA March Madness tournament
over the weekend,
after several positive coronavirus tests.
And I don't want to brag, but I
totally had that in my bracket.
Six Flags announced that it will reopen
its theme parks in California next month.
When asked if it was safe, they said,
"I mean, as safe as we've ever been."
[ Laughter ]
A wax museum in Texas
recently removed a statue of former President Trump,
after it was repeatedly punched and scratched by visitors
and -- this is weird --
as well as by the other wax statues.
[ Laughs ] A representative
from a sex toy company said, in a new interview,
that the next generation
of artificial intelligence sex robots
will have sensors in erogenous zones that respond to touch.
So, introducing...
[ Laughter ]
Today was World Water Day, so,
shout-out to my hose! [hos]
[ Laughter ]
Scollins!
Ruins World Water Day.
And, you know, he thinks he's very clever, but, uh...
I saw how you spelled the joke.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, officials in Cambridge, Massachusetts,
recently approved plans
for a cannabis cookie store in Harvard Square.
So, if you go to Harvard and you love weed,
I bet your dad also went to Harvard?
[ Laughter ] And that was the monologue, everybody.
And I know what you're thinking -- "Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You didn't show that clip of Biden tripping
on the stairs to Air Force One.
If Trump had tripped like that,
you would've shown that clip for a month."
And you know what?
You're right. [ Laughter ]
We would've done that.
So, fine, here's the clip of Biden tripping.
I mean, he did run for president
like eight times before he won, so,
obviously, he's going to stick with it,
no matter how many times he trips.
[ Laughter ]
In the interests of equal time...
-Whoops. [ Laughter ]
-Stand by.
[ Laughter ]
-Ten thousand known or suspesked --
-♪ It's fun to stay at the ♪
♪ YMCA ♪
-You know what? I think
our Trump clips are a little longer.
[ Laughter ]
We'll fix that for the repeat.
It's interesting. I feel like
they're the opposite with stairs and COVID.
Like with COVID, Trump took no precautions.
Biden took every precaution.
But on stairs or ramps, Trump's super careful...
[ Laughter ]
...always holding the railing,
going real slow.
[ Laughter ]
Whereas, Biden throws caution to the wind,
trips upstairs three times.
[ Laughter ]
So, it's interesting, you know,
it just shows we all contain multitudes.
♪♪
White House advisors are reportedly set to present
a two-part $3 trillion jobs and infrastructure proposal
to President Biden this week, which seems to me
like a huge overreaction to a couple of broken stairs.
Got to love him respecting the rule of threes.
[ Laughter ]
While testifying last week
before the Senate,
Republican Senator Rand Paul criticized
infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci
for continuing to wear a mask
after receiving the coronavirus vaccine.
But that's insane. We're in a pandemic.
Fauci is an epidemiologist.
If you're at the zoo and you see the lion keeper running,
you run!
According to a new report, since President Biden took office,
CNN has lost 45% of its prime time audience
to its biggest competitor --
a good night's sleep.
That's right, news outlets are seeing a slump in ratings
after former President Trump left office.
Yeah, of course, and the Weather Channel
always takes a hit after hurricane season is over.
Nobody ever yells, "It's sunny and 75!
Quick! Turn on the TV!" [ Laughter ]
Russian President Vladimir Putin
received the coronavirus vaccine today.
He wanted to do it weeks ago, but they had to wait
for the healthcare worker's hand to stop shaking.
Vice President Kamala Harris today swore in
former Boston Mayor Marty Walsh as Labor secretary.
Walsh's first planned action as secretary
will be to remove the letter "R"
from [Boston accent] "labah."
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump yesterday endorsed the primary challenger
for Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger.
And he would love it if Brad could help
find enough votes for that guy to win.
A Pennsylvania couple is receiving attention online
after converting a former school
into an almost $2.4 mansion, which was all well and good
until the students returned from remote learning.
"What the hell?!
[ Laughter ]
The art studio's a bathroom?!"
[ Laughter ] A group of former
"Jeopardy!" winners and contestants
recently published an open letter calling on producers
to remove talk show host Dr. Oz as guest host,
which is a shame.
If anything, Dr. Oz needs
more access to the correct answers.
[ Laughter ] Congress is reportedly
considering a ban on menthol cigarettes.
Well, at least this storming of Capitol won't be so bad.
[ Breathing heavily ] "Ugh! So many stairs.
Let's just -- I think we'll just go home.
Let's write a letter?"
According to a new study, eating breakfast before 8:30 am
may lower the risk of developing diabetes,
but it doesn't count
if you're out drinking until then.
Today was National Agriculture Day, so,
shout-out to my hoes.
[ Laughter ] Scollins, again.
Back-to-back days.
Turns in the same joke.
♪♪
White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki said on Monday
that President Biden and former President Barack Obama
still talk on the phone regularly.
And it always starts the same way.
[ As Obama ] Joe, uh...
this could've been a text.
[ As Biden ] It's not the same!
[ Laughter ] Senator Ted Cruz
criticized Democrats yesterday
for their response to recent gun violence.
Apparently, he was upset that, during a time of serious crisis,
Democrats didn't even try to go on vacation.
In her defamation lawsuit with Dominion Voting Systems,
former President Trump's ex-lawyer Sidney Powell argued
that her claims to invalidate the 2020 election
were not based in fact.
And I just can't believe we were lied to
by the fake-head lady from "Total Recall."
[ Laughter ]
It was announced yesterday that Regal theaters
will begin reopening early next month
and will show the new movie "Godzilla vs. Kong."
And I got to say, I didn't realize, until just now,
how much I missed walking out of movies.
[ Laughter ]
A teacher in Britain was recently suspended for two years
after he said his female students dressed like
"prostitutes and Kardashian clones."
And then, another year for adding,
"I meant it as a compliment.
[ Laughter ] [ Laughs ] Tip of my cap."
[ Laughter ]
What am I doing?
I can do a British accent and I choked on it twice.
[ Laughs ] "Tip of my cap!"
[ Laughter ]
Legendary director Steven Spielberg is set
to direct a semi-biographical movie about his life,
while legendary director Woody Allen
did a bunch.
[ Laughter ]
The creators of "Sesame Street"
introduced two new Black Muppets yesterday
to help facilitate discussions of racism and Black identity,
which means Kermit may finally have to admit
that it's pretty easy being green.
Champion free diver Alexey Molchanov
broke another world record last week,
after diving approximately 262 feet on a single breath.
Even more incredible, this guy is still holding his breath
for the Supreme Court to overturn the election.
[ Laughter ]
Got bad news from you from fake-head lady.
[ Laughter ] Florida recently banned
the importation of non-native reptile species.
Said one man,
"What if we're already here?"
[ Laughter ]
Convenience store chain 7-Elevens --
[ Laughing ] 7-Eleven.
Convenience -- Guys. Convenience store --
Stop moving the cards, Wally.
[ Laughter ]
Convenience store chain 7-Eleven announced yesterday
they will partner with Laredo Taco
to open a drive-through at a location in Dallas,
though it sounds more like they're partnering
with the police on a DUI roadblock.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, today was National Cheesesteak Day.
Celebrate by taking a Whiz.
[ Laughter ]
Three days in a row from Scollins.
A turkey.
[ Laughter ]
We got to say -- I mean, again, I think if you're --
you know, if you're one of our loyal viewers,
Mike Scollins, for three days in a row, has written a joke
about whatever national day it was.
And, now, you have to tune in tomorrow
to see if he can get four in a row.
The rare hambone, I believe it's called.
[ Laughter ]
So, hopefully, for Scollins, tomorrow is
National Hacky Joke Day. [ Laughter ]
♪♪
President Biden held his first official news conference today
and Democrats everywhere held the edge of their seats.
During his first press conference today,
President Biden said, "I got elected to solve problems."
Um, okay. So, what do you know
about boats and canals, then? [ Laughter ]
During his press conference, President Biden said
he supports changing the rules of the filibuster
to require senators to stand and speak,
like it was when he was in the Senate "120 years ago."
Now, obviously, he misspoke.
120 years ago,
he was still in college. [ Laughter ]
President Biden's dogs Major and Champ
have returned to the White House
after spending time in Delaware
and working with a trainer, but, I don't know --
something about them seems a little off.
[ Laughter ]
Officials have announced that a nearly 1/4-mile-long
container ship that has been stuck
in the Suez Canal, in Egypt, since Tuesday
could take weeks to free.
Even worse, it's carrying that thing you rush-ordered
for your wife's birthday.
A Spirit Airlines flight was diverted to Denver yesterday
after a passenger allegedly tried
to open an emergency exit door.
Luckily, it was a Spirit plane,
so the emergency exit was just painted on.
[ Laughter ]
The Olympic torch relay began today in Fukushima, Japan,
and will be carried around the country
by more than 10,000 people
before arriving in Tokyo's Olympic Stadium.
That story again -- an open flame will be run
through a nuclear fallout disaster area
before being passed person-to-person 10,000 times
during a contagious pandemic.
Let the games begin!
[ Laughter ]
Officials in China recently closed
the country's first sex doll hotel
and released a statement attributing the move to reasons
"not convenient to explain."
And I think I speak for everyone when I say,
"I'll, uh --
I'll make time for this one."
[ Laughter ]
Also, what do you mean,
the reasons are "not convenient to explain"?
I think it's pretty easy to explain.
"Sex doll hotel" is the explanation.
I don't even like to touch the remote control in a hotel room.
I'm joking. They actually closed it
because, against all odds,
nobody came.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Laughter ]
Organizers of the annual Hash Bash marijuana rally
in Ann Arbor, Michigan, announced on Tuesday
that the event will be held virtually this year.
Which is risky, because, once everyone realizes
they can do it from their couch, they'll never go back.
[ Laughter ] And finally, today was --
Ooh, actually, uh, before I tell this joke --
There's a lot of national days on the calendar.
Pretty much every day, in the setups of our jokes,
you find out what national day it is.
And something that's never been attempted before
has happened this week.
Mike Scollins, a writer for the show,
has told a "Today was National Whatever Day"
with a punch line three days in a row,
which is known as a turkey.
No one's ever done four in a row,
but he's about to try.
And we're about to see if he can tell four funny jokes
about a national day of the week.
For those who don't know, this is our friend
Mike Scollins right here. Let's just show him off.
There you go.
[ Laughter ]
That's Mike in his everyday outfit.
[ Laughter ]
And, now, we're gonna find out if he can "tank-top" himself.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, today was Pecan Day.
Well, I hope you got a nut.
Judges?
[ Laughter ]
Ahh!
[ Laughter ]
Heartbreaking.
[ Laughter ]
That was the monologue, everybody.
♪♪
[ Whistling and applause ]