Alright, so this summer I had to fix a broken toilet
And if you've never experienced the joy of fixing the toilet
Well, buckle up, I'll tell you all about it
Now, this wasn't my personal toilet, it was fiancee's grandma's toilet
And poor grandma's toilet wasn't working right
Every time you flush it, the shit would come up instead of going down like it's supposed to
Now, what do I know about toilets?
Well, I know how to take a shit in one, and that's about it!
But I get the clever idea to go and try to fix this toilet
Even though they've already tried to fix it themselves, they've tried everything!
They've tried a plunger
They've tried a plunger, a snake
They've tried a plunger, a snake, they had a priest come over and bless the goddamn toilet
"Let thy turds go downeth the hole!"
They only thing left was to get a plumber out there, and take a look at it
But we can't have Grandma shitting in a cardboard box, waiting on some professional
I'll just go over there and do the best I can!
And it's important to note, that Grandma isn't quite all there mentally
She's a few marshmallows short from a box of Lucky Charms, if you know what I'm saying
She didn't even know her toilet was broken to begin with
"Toilet? What toilet? Oh yeah, that's right, I forgot I had one of those!"
So I'm standing in her bathroom
I got my phone out, googling, "How to take apart a toilet?"
Because I'm stupid as hell
"Step one: drain the water from the toilet, so you don't get water all over the place.."
".. you stupid idiot!"
"Oh, okay, Google! I see what you're driving at!"
So I take a look in the toilet, and there's about 8 days worth of piss in there
Not to mention one single solitary turd floating around
And it's not just a little itty-bitty hamster turd in there
No, the thing's MASSIVE!
Looks like a goddamn truck driver dropped this thing off after a buffet
I'm just standing there, looking at it in shock
"How the hell did Grandma deliver this thing without a midwife?"
"Look at this thing, God damn!"
I get back into my phone, get on Google
"How to take apart a toilet, when there's already shit in the toilet?"
It's slowly dawning on me, that if I want this turd out of this toilet, I'm gonna have to do it myself!
So I put on some rubber gloves
And I get a plastic bag to go over the gloves
Because at this point there really can't be enough barriers between my hand and an old woman's turd
So there I am, scooping out this turd out of the toilet
I'm cradling it in my hand, like I'm holding a goddamn baby bird
'Cause the last thing I want is this thing to break in half, and I've got to do it all over again
Luckily, we took a video of that glorious day
So here you can see the face of a man, that's got no dignity left
Absolutely none whatsoever
And here I go to scoop out the turd
Yeah, I had to blur out the turd, like it's a suspect in an episode of Cops
I mean, it is human shit, a lot of people don't want to see that
If you look closely, the toilet will kind of look like it's filled with Sunny Delight
That's not Sunny Delight!
That's just what 8 days of piss looks like
What a time to be alive!
So with turd in hand I run out front and throw it in the garbage can in the street
The neighbours next door are sitting outside on their porch
"Oh my God, did that guy just throw a turd in the garbage can?!"
I don't know what to say to them, so I just wave at them with my shit-smeared glove hand
- Woaw, this neighbourhood's really going to shit! - Boy, that's for sure!
I go back in the bathroom, and I realise:
"Oh, yeah, I still got all of this goddamn Sunny Delight in the toilet bowl to clean out!"
So I run in the kitchen and grab a soup ladle!
And like, some kind of shitty lunch lady, I scoop it all out into a bucket
Boy, my Saturday afternoon sure is going swell!
I can't imagine it being any better at this point
Just then I look over, and Grandma's in the doorway with no pants on
"I GOTTA USE THE POTTY RIGHT NOW!"
"Holy hell! Get some pants on, Grandma, the potty is not ready yet!"
"God damn it, what is this, Pakistan? I can't even shit in my own house?!"
So finally, I get everything scooped out
And I take the bolts off the toilet, and lift this big porcelain bastard up
and I just throw it in the bathtub, I don't know what to do with it
I'm frustrated as hell
I've seen way too many half-naked old women today
And held way too many goddamn turds in my hand
But now I got this hole in the ground, that I have to investigate
What the hell am I gonna use for that?
So back to the kitchen I go, this time for a pair of tongs
Because I got no plumbing tools
So apparently, I gotta fix this toilet with a bunch of fuckin' kitchen utensils
So with a pair of tongs, like a shitty lunch lady yet again
I reach into the hole
And I pull out a shitty woven tapestry of baby wipes!
"Oh, God damn it, Grandma! Have you been wiping your ass with baby wipes?"
"Well, I mean, yeah.. What else am I supposed to use? Coffee filters?"
I look over the sink, and sure as hell, there's a pack of baby wipes on there
They got big-ass warning labels of toilets with fucking red crosses on them and shit
"Don't flush down the toilet, you'll ruin your Saturday afternoon"
"Yeah, imagine that! God damn it!"
So in the end I saved the day and I fixed Grandma's toilet
Now, granted she had a few ground rules now that she had to follow
"Alright, Grandma, rule number one: 'No more goddamn baby wipes in the toilet!'"
"I'm not doing this again!"
"And rule number two: 'Put some goddamn pants on!'"
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