- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is "Breaking News".
(upbeat music)
- Hello and welcome to "Breaking News",
the only news show where we don't know
what we're about to say, and we're not allowed
to smile or laugh.
I'm Flail Sporadically.
- And I'm Neera My Tanden to Thee.
- Tonight, who's the black private dick
that's a sex machine to all the chicks?
- Shaft! - You're damn right.
- Plus, you won't believe what these child stars
look like now, so we won't even bother showing you.
- Later, it's Bizkit week here in the tent,
and it's all about the he says, she says bullshit.
Who will be star baker and who will be leaving
with a fat lip?
- But first, watch out, libs.
You're about to get owned by the release
of a new neo-con toy, Mr. GOP-ato Head.
Oh, GOP-ato head.
He's got a big veiny cock you can't remove,
eight kinds of angry eyes,
and he's scared, scared, scared of everything.
He hates it!
- I'm going to get one of those for my son
so he can learn that real men store their arms in their ass.
- This potato head knows one sex position
and he's bad at it.
- Uh-oh, that sound you're hearing is millions of people
not giving a shit about this, so we're moving on.
For the latest entertainment news, we go now
to Jeneniffer Feffer Jen Janenna Fennaforp.
- Thanks, Flail. Hollywood is aging.
Ryan Gosling is now Ryan Goose.
Channing Tatum is now the Tatum who Chan
and thousands of others are dead.
The hunt goes on for Timothy Chalamet, who blew away
in last night's wind storm,
and who's gonna be the next James Bond?
We'll meet the woman who keeps saying Idris Elba
like we haven't heard that proposed 1,000 times.
Is she progressive or is that
the only black British actor that she can name?
And wuh-oh, uh-oh, we're going to get another Streep alert!
Prepare thyself.
Meryl Streep has been cast in the adaptation
of "Strega Nona" playing the part of,
you guessed it, Big Anthony.
Asked how she's preparing for her role,
Streep said, who dares question Streep?
Unhinged her jow, and swallowed the reporter whole.
All glory to Streep.
Until next time, I'm Jeneniffer Feffer Jen Janenna Fennaforp
telling you to keep your eyes peeled for airborne Chalamets.
Back to you.
- Thanks, Jeneniffer Feffer Nen Janenna Fennaforp.
- I'm gonna have to interrupt you.
- And I'm gonna have to interrupt you.
Breaking news, somebody stole my big fat ass.
For more on this horrific crime, we go now
to our reporter in the field. Croooooob.
- Thanks, Nera.
I'm here, where for centuries, my big fat ass
majestically hung out for the whole damn world to see,
but no more.
Where once you could hear my cheeks clapping in the wind,
there's only silence.
My big ol' buns are gone, and America weeps.
- Do the police have any leads?
Who would want your dump truck booty?
- Who wouldn't?
Everybody loves my big fat ass, the ass that smiles back,
so there's no shortage of suspects.
Currently, police are focusing their investigation on...
Tim Allen. - What? Any name!
- Tim Allen.
- I'm sorry, did you say Tim Allen?
- Yeah, I said Tim Allen, yes.
- Why do you think that's the name you thought of
when you could have chosen literally any name?
- Oh, you know,
I was going alphabetically by last name in my head.
I was sort of scrolling through my Rolodex of names
and I thought, okay, I could do Hank Aaron,
but he just died, so I skipped him
and I went to the next A in my Rolodex.
- Oh, so it goes Hank Aaron, Tim Allen?
- Tim Allen! - Yeah.
- What a shameful explanation.
- Well, Croooooob, be sure to let us know
when your big fat ass gets handed back to you.
- No.
(Raph laughs)
Until next time, I'm Croooooob,
reminding you to spay and neuter yourself.
- That does it for us, but before we go,
today's loser is Raphael Chestang.
- Okay, all right, I'll take that one.
- Congrats, you really couldn't keep it together.
- You're officially the ass that smiles back.
(all laughing)
- And what a smile.