YOU KNOW, FOLKS, PEOPLE ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT LAST WEEK'S
ANNOUNCEMENT FROM ATTORNEY GENERAL AND MAN WHO EVEN HE
WANTS TO PUNCH, JEFF SESSIONS.
ON MONDAY THE ATTORNEY GENERAL DECLARED THAT THE JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT IS FORMING SOMETHING CALLED A RELIGIOUS LIBERTY TASK
FORCE.
IT'S GOAL WILL BE PROTECTING RELIGIOUS GROUPS FROM
PERSECUTION.
WOW, THAT COULD PUT A REAL KINK IN THEIR MUSLIM BAN.
BUT SESSIONS, THAT WORKED OUT.
THAT LOGIC.
THAT LOGIC WORKED OUT.
BUT JEFF SESSIONS SAYS THE TASK FORCE IS NEEDED BECAUSE RELIGEON
IS FACING A SECRET THREAT.
>> A DANGEROUS MOVEMENT, UNDETECTED BY MANY BUT REAL, IS
NOW CHALLENGING AND ERODING OUR GREAT TRADITION, OUR RELIGIOUS
FREEDOM.
MANY AMERICANS HAVE FELT THAT THEIR FREEDOM TO PRACTICE THEIR
FAITH HAS BEEN UNDER ATTACK.
AND IT IS EASY TO SEE WHY.
WE HAVE SEEN NUNS ORDERED TO BUY CON STRA SEPTEMBERIVES.
>> Stephen: OH, WE'VE ALL SEEN THAT, EVERY CVS IS JUST PACKED
WITH SEXUAL DEVIANTS FORSZING SIS MER-- SISTER CARMELITA TO
BUY THEM TRO JANUARIES AT NIEFER POINT.
GET ME THE MAGAZINE NUMBS, SISTER,-- MAGNUMS, SISTER OR
ELSE.
OF COURSE NONE OF THAT IS TRUE.
THAT WAS JUST ONE EXAMPLE.
SESSIONS ALSO TOOK A MOMENT TO HONOR JACK BAKER THE COLORADO
BAKER WHO REFUSED TO MAKE A WEDDING CAKE FOR A GAY COUPLE.
ALL WEDDING CAKES MAKE JEFF SESSIONS UNCOMFORTABLE SINCE HE
IS FREQUENTLY CONDITION FUSED FOR A CAKE TOPPER.
>> HE SAID HE RESPECTED PEOPLE'S FAITH AND HE PROMISED TO PROTECT
HIM IN THE FREE EXERCISE OF THAT FAITH.
HE DECLARED WE WOULD SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS AGAIN.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU FREE TOW EXERCISE ANY FAITH HOWEVER YOU
CHOOSE TO SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS.
IT'S CLEAR THIS TASK FORCE WON'T BE CONCERNED WITH RELIGIOUS
LIBERTY FOR EVERYONE.
SOME CRITICS ARE EVEN CALLING A NOD TO CHRISTIAN NATIONALISM AND
A HOLY WAR ON LGBT PEOPLE.
HERE TO CLARIFY MATTERS WE ARE JOINED LIVE VIA SATELLITE BY
RELIGIOUS LIBERTY TASK FORCE SPECIAL AGENT TOM DOCKFORD.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
AGENT-- (APPLAUSE)
DOCKFORD.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME, STEPHEN.
MERRY CHRISTMAS (LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, BUT STATION.
>> YOU CAN'T SILENCE ME, COLBERT.
IT'S ALWAYS CHRISTMAS SOMEWHERE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S-- OKAY.
SO WHAT YOU CAN TELL US ABOUT THE RELIGIOUS LIB ERT TASK
FORCE?
>> THE RL TV F IS HERE TO DEFEND THE RELIGION OF PEOPLE
FROM ALL FAITHS FROM METHODISTS TO BAPTISTS TO ORTHODOX
EPISCOPALIANS.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO AREN'T CHRISTIAN.
>> I'M PRETTY SURE THEY ARE FINE.
WE ARE FOCUSED ON BIGGER PROBLEMS LIKE NUNS BEING FORCED
TO BUY PORN IN A DREAM HI ONCE.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: SO YOU BELIEVE CHRISTIANS ARE SUBJECT TO THE
KIND OF PERSZ KEUTIONS JEFF SESSIONS-- PERSECUTIONS JEFF
SESSIONS IS TALKING ABOUT.
>> IS THE POPE CLAT LICK.
SERIOUSLY, IS HE?
I DON'T KNOW, WE'LL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE THE LIBERALS WON'T LET
HIM TALK ABOUT IT AT WORK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WE KNOW HE'S CLAT LICK AND SO AM I.
>> OH, OH, REALLY.
CURIOUS, HOW MANY GAY WEDDING CAKES WERE FORCED TO MAKE LAST
YEAR.
>> Stephen: NONE.
>> GOOD FOR YOU, STEPHEN COLBERT.
GOOD FOR YOU.
HOW ABOUT GAY BIRTHDAY CAKES.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> TRICK QUESTION.
ALL BIRTHDAY CAKES ARE GAY.
(LAUGHTER) YOU SOUND LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT
RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: WHY.
>> I MEAN WHAT KIND OF STRAIGHT MAN CELEBRATES THE ANNIVERSARY
OF LEAVING A VAGINA.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT IS ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE.
>> NO, NO, WHAT IS INAPPROPRIATE IS THE PERSECUTION CHRISTIANS
FACE EVERY DAY AT THEIR LOCAL BAKERY.
WE DON'T EVEN KNOW THE SEXUAL PREFERENCES OF OUR BAKED GOODS
ANY MORE, PAL.
>> Stephen: BAKED GOODS DON'T HAVE SEXUAL PREFERENCES.
>> WRONG, WRONG AGAIN.
A DONUT DOES NOT WANT ANOTHER DONUT.
IT WANTEDS A TWINKIE.
(LAUGHTER) THAT'S JUST GOD'S LAW I MEAN YOU
CAN EVEN IMAGINE TWO BAGELS BUMPING UP AGAINST EACH OTHER?
AND IF YOU COMPANY, I WOULD LOVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT A DREAM I ONCE
HAD.
>> Stephen: NO, THANK YOU.
>> EXACTLY, EXACTLY.
WHICH IS WHY THE TASESK FORCE IS DEMANDING THAT EVERY BAKED GOOD
IS LABELED WITH ITS SEXUALITY LIKE THIS CLEARLY, NOT GAY
COOKIE.
HMMMM.
>> Stephen: OKAY, BUT NOW THE COOKIE JUST SAYS GAY DAMMIT.
TRICKED AGAIN.
TRICKED AGAIN BY THE HOMOSEXUAL SWEET MEAT AGENDA.
>> Stephen: AGENT TOM DOCKFORD, EVERYBODY.
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE.
>> Stephen: MERRY CHRISTMAS.
WE'LL RIGHT BACK WITH COUNTRIES HAYES.